The Ultimate Scientology Video Finally Reveals The Secret To Unlocking Your Thetans
Always quick to act, the Church of Scientology has officially revamped their Youtube channel, mere months after the Internet collectively made wet fart noises at them.
Their tiny number of subscribers, huge number of channel views, and disabling of comments and ratings kind of gives you an idea of where the CoS’s net cred stands these days. I guess they aren’t equipped to handle the kind of soul-crushing and surgically-precise criticisms the Cracked Bloggers must grapple with every day (ie, “gayyyyyyyy”).
In any case, I for one will be scrupulously poring over all the videos they post, as I’m still intensely fascinated by the giant sideshow they call a religion. So far, the most interesting one I’ve come across (okay, redubbed) is the below vid outlining the basic precepts of the faith, and the magic powers generated therefrom.
Now at least if I fail in Hollywood, I can always blame it on ticking off the Scientologists.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael gets retarded in here as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
May 7th, 2008 at 8:18 am
gayyyyyyyy
May 7th, 2008 at 8:56 am
you beat me to it DOB.
I loved the timing of ‘wide-eyed enthisuams’ and ‘the dunk’
great vid Swaim
May 7th, 2008 at 9:01 am
Apparently having “sympathy” (0.9) scores lower than “no sympathy” in the tone scale (1.2).
What the hell..
Well at least they got one that I agree with, “Games” score a whopping 22.. Two more levels and I’m on my way to “Serenity of being”..
Anyways, for your reference (complete with illustrations, btw):
http://www.scientologyhandbook.org/FULL.HTM
May 7th, 2008 at 9:15 am
“Do not look for your son. He is already dead.”
Classic.
May 7th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Redubs win. I can’t wait to achieve serenity of beingness-osity… tude.
May 7th, 2008 at 10:21 am
The syncing with “And don’t you come back!” is beautiful.
May 7th, 2008 at 10:25 am
yellminars, pricless
May 7th, 2008 at 10:26 am
I was waiting for them to say ‘your son was kid-napped by none other the Tom Cruise.’ That would have been priceless.
May 7th, 2008 at 10:29 am
on the scale, you get -20 for “being objects.” i guess if i were to go scientologist, i couldn’t continue my quest to be a transformer…. the two just don’t mix.
May 7th, 2008 at 10:30 am
nevermind… it’s only -10… phew… i can handle that.
May 7th, 2008 at 10:33 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-z7mnHPRBw
the original makes far less sence
May 7th, 2008 at 10:38 am
apperntly being accountable is worse than dying, and not being able to hide is worse than worshiping bodies and sacrificing.
May 7th, 2008 at 10:39 am
How is Pity -0.1 and Hate a positive 1.4? Clearly the Tone Scale is just one of the many things I don’t understand about Scientology. I must unlock the secrets, though, so that I may steal their magic powers. I just hope I don’t have to draw mana from Thetans, cause I don’t want any creepy spirits following me aorund. Especially not during ‘private monkey time.’
May 7th, 2008 at 10:41 am
yellminars are awesome
May 7th, 2008 at 10:43 am
Hmmm… according to the original, all angry people are liars. I’m going to try that fact out next time my boss gets pissed off at me.
May 7th, 2008 at 11:13 am
Do you notice that all pro-scientology videos on youtube have the comments fields disabled? You have to ask what they are afraid of…. great video!
May 7th, 2008 at 11:17 am
The original video is pretty stupid. It basically says “Humans have a range of emotions. People’s emotions change with the situation. There are appropriate and inappropriate ways to respond to different emotions.”
May 7th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Well I think I’m seeing a pattern in the scale: the more active(extrovert?) an emotion/action is, the higher it can be found in the scale… Passive ones are at the bottom.
My two cents.
By the way, great video! (should’ve put this in my earlier post..) This has been a good week for Cracked..
May 7th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Wow, fragg, what you say speaks to me on a deep spiritual level. I think you should immediately found a cult. I may even consider converting from Haruhiism!
At the very least, if you create your own Scientology cult but explain things clearly with basic English, you’ll likely attract more followers. Feel free to jazz it up with Space DC-8’s though, right?
May 7th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Actually, glued’s explanation is pretty close to the truth
May 7th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
so does the fact that conservetism is to high on the scale make them republicans. Also i would like to know what a thetan tastes like.
May 7th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
That was pretty awesome.
May 7th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Oh my God. That makes perfect sense. I want to do that. I’m becoming a Scientologist! THANKS, MICHAEL SWAIM AND L. RON HUBBARD!!!!
May 7th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Very funny video. I also like that the people in the video are better actors then the famous ones who are in the cult.
May 7th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Shit, I could become a superconscious extraterrestrial alien with weather controlling power
a hell of a lot easier than fucking around with scientology. All I had to do was drink twenty Miller lites or so and five or ten shots of Rumplemintz and I could do all kinds of magical shit.
I would also become the undisputed king of Yellminars. THE WORLD WOULD TREMBLE AT MY FEET!!!!!!, until I passed out.
May 7th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Whats with all the henti and schoolgirl vids linked after the vid is over?
May 7th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
i was involved in a yellminar the other day. i called the angry yelling man a fat liar and he shot me in the stomach. i don’t hav ennuff money to pay my own hospitl bils. will somone send me their bank infomation and some money? i am poor jewish boy from ghetto in hungary.
May 7th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Those are from Swaim’s private stash.
May 7th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
two in one. poking fun at fat yelling scientologists and email scammers. top that.
May 7th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
I once went to a Scientology seminar. There wasn’t any yelling, but one lady scared me with her too happy attitude. She invited several people to call her to meet at her house, but I was afraid it was for a mass murder or something.
I was really disappointed there wasn’t any past life regression going on which is the reason I went, but I think they were just trying to sell their books and junk. I think it is like all religions. Brainwash you for your money.
May 7th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
When I was in New York once I stumbled into a Scientology center and took an E-meter reading. I took the two little tin can things in my hands and the woman told me to think about something stressful in my life. The little needle spiked, and she asked me what I was thinking about.
“Absolutely nothing,” I replied. It was true - I hadn’t actually thought of anything.
She told me again to think about something stressful, and again, the little needle spiked.
“What about that time?” she asked. “What were you thinking about?”
“I was thinking about how I kind of need to get a haircut,” I said.
“Is that something you’ve been worrying about lately?”
“No, not really. I just kind of need a haircut.”
All of the sudden the needle started spiking like crazy. “Hey,” I said, “Did you know if you squeeze these little tin can thingees the needle spikes?”
She thanked me for stopping by and walked away.
May 7th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Duh, Ross, it only works if you BELIEVE.
May 7th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
The video isn’t loading.
May 7th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
yeah, like WTF mate
May 7th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
Back in the late 80’s they told me I was suicidal. I’m still alive and kicking. So much for their technology!
May 7th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Well Ross I guess you just don’t know how to analyze your own emotions. You don’t realize, but the following things are stressing you on a subsconcious level :
- nothing in particular
- kind of needing a haircut
- pressing things in your hands
More importantly : did you or did you not get the haircut ?
Excellent vid by the way.
May 7th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
It still loads on all of my many computers and I didn’t get any death threats from CoS lawyers yet. Is it working for other people?
May 7th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
It loaded for me , but the narrator has an annoying voice.
May 7th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
i don’t think there is anything that can be done about the annoying voice. something tells me its from many years of smoking tree bark and huffing hair spray.
May 7th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Excellent video. Do some more please.
@Swaim: Haven’t you heard? Instead of death threats, they send swarthy gentlemen who meet you for lunch, then slip arsenic in your water.
May 7th, 2008 at 11:00 pm
Trid is a liar! Do not listen to him!
By the way Mr. Swaim, would you care to meet me for lunch? I will be the swarthy man in CoS-approved clothes.
May 8th, 2008 at 2:44 am
‘taking the mystery out of human behaviour’ wow scientology sounds like fun.
great video by the way.
May 8th, 2008 at 3:33 am
Is Michael Jackson diddling kids a religion (yet):
http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=19&sku=ENGL-CD00284
May 8th, 2008 at 4:22 am
Brilliant. But what’s with the vidoes on Cracked all being on inferior video hosting sites lately? YouTube may (does) suck, but it’s better than the others you’ve been using.
May 8th, 2008 at 5:57 am
Great video.
Anyone happen to know the name of the song playing in the background?
May 8th, 2008 at 6:43 am
KT, it’s something from Adiemus.
And scientolocrappers scare me.
May 8th, 2008 at 6:54 am
Yeah Ross, that was pretty much my experience with the scientologists too.
The concept of calling it a stress test is retarded too. What is more stressful than some stranger asking you intimate personal questions in the middle of the street while you hold two aluminium dildos? The fact I had a huge coffee before hand didn’t help.
May 8th, 2008 at 8:24 am
If anyone says the video doesn’t load, Swaim already explained it to Ross. It only works if you believe.
May 8th, 2008 at 9:11 am
I saw the guy at a dating club
__Blackgirlsconnect.com__. He was very hot here.
May 8th, 2008 at 9:29 am
Okay kingmonkey, how is this for my first narrative: “Humans have a range of emotions. People’s emotions change with the situation. There are appropriate and inappropriate ways to respond to different emotions. Also, alien battlecruisers shot magic ice crystals into the center of the Earth. These crystals caused all the trees to be unhappy. But the aliens cut down the unhappy trees and built houses for all the people. But the unhappy tree houses made all the people unhappy. That is why you think about Bea Arthur naked on a bed of roses.”
May 8th, 2008 at 10:08 am
…
(!!)
You know about my Bea Arthur dream?!
May 8th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Does anyone know if Scientology over the last few years has been expanding, or shrinking, or staying steady. I guess the only way to measure such a thing would by from Scientology leaders themselves, and I doubt they’d be forthcoming with any figures that would show them in a negative light.
May 8th, 2008 at 10:33 am
It is okay, kingmonkey. With this cobbled-together 1950’s scifi machine I have right here, I can help take your dreams down the scale from “Bea Arthur naked” to “Serene Broccoli in a meadow”. Also, psychology is bad.
May 8th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
[…] Cracked.com redub of Sci-video The Ultimate Scientology Video Finally Reveals The Secret To Unlocking Your Thetans | Cracked.com […]
May 8th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
This made me laugh in several places, mainly the computer chair, but once in the kitchen as I was remembering some of my favourite bits.
May 8th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
I kept dozing off. The video wasn’t boring or anything. As a matter of fact it was hilarious! I kept dozing off because Swaim’s voice is so soothing and relaxing.
May 8th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
AtomicSpike, that’s why they call Swaim Mister Roofie.
May 9th, 2008 at 12:05 am
that redubbing was masterful, especially the fishing trip with your grandfather
May 9th, 2008 at 1:17 am
That was fucking genius, I can’t imagine any other commentary over those images.
I say we should be trying to get Michael Swaim to host Late Night.
May 9th, 2008 at 8:35 am
millioniare dating site wealthykiss dotcom where date who you want.
May 9th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
Brilliant!
Please make more! These videos are so obviously ripe for the mocking.
May 10th, 2008 at 3:01 am
Aw, you guys.
I actually was going to make three, but it was super late at night and my editing “program” (windows movie maker) is like a migraine burned onto a CD.
May 11th, 2008 at 5:46 am
@ his holliness fragg:
you make a very good case.
where shall i send the check?
May 14th, 2008 at 6:05 am
How will Tom Cruise ever master the dunk?
May 15th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
He has to feel the dunk, love the dunk, BECOME the dunk.
But only men can master it so, it won’t.
May 19th, 2008 at 4:10 am
May I ask why you have scientology adverts at the bottom of your pages?
June 14th, 2008 at 3:24 am
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