#3. Melinda the Ghost Whisperer (Ghost Whisperer)
You can't go to school to be a ghost whisperer: it's in the genes. The kid from The Sixth Sense and Melinda the "ghost whisperer" both have the gift of seeing freaky dead people and being able to talk to them. Melinda, though, seems to have doubled up in the "gift" department.
Unlike the kid from the Sixth Sense, Melinda does not spend her time being scared shitless, huddled under a mountain of blankets and dressed in conventional sleeping attire. Neither does she go with the Shaggy technique of cowering inside a suit of armor with a talking dog and self-medicating with a huge bag of weed.
No, that would hinder Melinda's work as a ghost whisperer and would deprive the world of her spectacular rack.
Does it seem all that strange that Melinda is constantly encountering spirits of the hostile variety? After all, she seems intent on reminding them that they have passed from the world of flesh and that there are no boobies in the afterlife.
#2. Catherine Willows, CSI Supervisor & Forensic Scientist (CSI: Crime Scene Investigation)
Among other amusing activities, CSI's often get to crawl around a dead chick's apartment on all fours looking for blood, semen or blood and semen. That last one is known as the CSI spritzer, which is the correct technical term for a drink we just made up whose ingredients include Bailey's, milk and grenadine.
Yes, the CSI franchise makes its second appearance on our list. Seriously, what the hell? Why in the CSI universe, where every day is spent pouring over the grim details of some schlub's death, would you wake up every day and squeeze into a low-cut, come-hither top?
Yes, we know that in the show Catherine Willows used to be a stripper. But you don't see lawyers wearing hairnets just because they once worked a few shifts at McDonald's, do you?
#1. Mrs. Garrett, Chaperon/Maid/Dietitian (Diff'rent Strokes, Facts of Life)
A staple of many '80s sitcoms, the live-in maid is a jack of many trades, including cooking and cleaning. None of these trades, however, is more important than serving as the role-model and moral center for the children on the show. The job requires integrity, common sense and a willingness to impart bits of wisdom that will be ignored at first with humorous consequences.
Also, a huge rack helps.
Mrs. Garrett's rack spanned two sitcoms from 1978 to 1986, Diff'rent Strokes and the Facts of Life. with Natalie, Jo and Tootie, Mrs Garrett's boobs taught the early '80s about the dangers of drug use and plagiarism. In fact, Mrs. Garrett's cleavage is so legendary that it got referenced in a Family Guy episode.
There was an air of desperation about Mrs. Garrett, still trying to turn heads by showing off the goods even in her golden years. Yet, every male teenager in the Facts of Life audience knew the strange feeling they got when Mrs. G and her low-cut blouse entered the room. Facts of life, indeed.
"I may have some wrinkles," her look seemed to say, "But when the lights go out, I know tricks you've not had time to learn."
Remember earlier when we said funerals were the most inappropriate time to get an erection? We think we just discovered one worse than that.You can find more of Glenn's stuff at Scenic Anemia (www.scenicanemia.com) and the blog Soapbox Frequent (www.soapboxfrequent.blogspot.com).
If you enjoyed that, you might like our rundown of 6 Singers Who Are Mistaken About Their Raw Sexuality. Or head to the brand new Official Cracked.com Store and become a startlingly attractive walking advertisement for our site. And be sure to get the Cracked Hit List delivered in your electronic mailbox every Thursday. And be even surer to find out who made the cut this Week in Douchebaggery.