Some heroes fight for truth, justice and the American way. Some heroes fight for revenge. These guys here? These guys fight to get laid with underage girls and to make the universe a creepier place.
Here are the six comic book characters sure to create an immediate urge to shower.
#6. Comet the Super-Horse, from the Superman comics
Creepy Because: Bestiality.
Comet is Supergirl's pet horse. At first this sounds really cute, because girls love horses. Although, there is this book we once read in the Cracked offices called The Naked Ape that teaches us that girls like horses because riding them is the closest activity to non-threatening sex they can have. Not so cute anymore? Yeah, wait until you read how creepy it becomes with a stalker Super-Horse involved.
You see, according to the comic, Comet was once a centaur called Biron back in ancient Greece. He was turned into a full horse by a witch, though as a small consolation, he gained superpowers and kept his humongous horse penis.
Also, Comet periodically turns into a full human, at which point he does what any horse would do: Try to get laid with Supergirl before she can figure out he is really her horse.
You see, the horse is in love with the girl who, while he's in horse mode, dry humps his back as a means of transport. Comet never makes his feelings known and thus allows this arrangement to continue, much like those "nice guys" who orbit around a girl every day doing her favors, while complaining endlessly in their LiveJournals because the girl doesn't pay back their niceness with a blowjob.
That's right, Comet! The court's orders are meaningless!
And to make the whole thing even more unsettling, he is a super-horse, which zoologists tell us adds at least six inches in length and one in girth.
#5. Ultimate Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch from The Ultimates
Creepy Because: Twincest.
The Ultimates is a modernized, alternate universe version of The Avengers where they finally figure out they are not really avenging anybody or anything in particular and that the name Defenders was already taken. Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch are the twin son and daughter of Magneto. Just by taking a second look at that picture up there, unless you are a relative of that banjo playing kid from Deliverance, you can start guessing what their problem is.
Yes, both kids have decided to keep it in the family, and when we mean "it" we mean Quicksilver's penis, and when we mean "the family" we mean "his sister's vagina." In the beginning of the series, the incest was subtly implied and kept as a joke of something that happened off panel and could easily be denied, until the third series came around and we got this.
Here we have The Wasp explaining the situation to Captain America. We know Captain America grew up in the '30s so we give him some leeway when he can't figure out how to work the TiVo, but we are quite sure incest existed back then, too. Why Wasp is explaining it like it's the most normal thing to do in the 21st century, however, makes us cast a suspicious glance at the dude who wrote it.
Can it get worse? You bet it can! Two issues later it's revealed that Quicksilver likes to sex up his own sister because she reminds him of his mother. At this rate, by issue 10 we'll learn he liked his mom because she reminded him of Comet the Super-Horse.
There has to come a time in your life--possibly in the middle of porking your twin sister while Wolverine watches from the bushes--where you just have to take a step back and wonder at what point you turned into goddamn Caligula.
#4. Starfox from The Avengers
Creepy Because: He's a mind-raping douchebag.
See that man in the picture up there who looks like he's going for a lifetime achievement award for outstanding achievements in douchebaggery? That guy is Starfox.
Starfox's real name is Eros, which easily wins hands down the "creepiest name you can give your child" competition. Unless your son is the Greek god of sexual attraction, or he is in an incredibly sexy baby, he probably can't live up to that name. So he had some measure of creepiness right out of the gate. It only got worse.
This is totally in context
Eros' superpower, besides achieving a preternatural douchebag look that is envied by Lacoste-shirt-wearing, collar-popping frat boys all over the world, is the ability to stimulate the pleasure centers of the brain. Yes, his name is Eros, and he gives you pleasure. That's the kind of things you only read on a male prostitute's business card.
Even with that advantage over normal humans, we here at Cracked are having a hard time figuring out how you can use that to fight crime. Cracked's research team has been investigating around the clock, offering to stimulate the pleasure centers of every suspicious character they encounter. So far they have come up with more venereal diseases than answers.
And just because somebody is bound to mention this in the comments, yes Starfox was accused of being a date rapist, but at the end he was found not guilty. Hell, why does he need to rape when he can insert himself into your pleasure centers by remote control? Rape is on a level far below Starfox's mastery of cosmic creepiness.