#2. Ric Silver Owns the Electric Slide
There was a palpable sense of disillusionment and sadness in the air at the most recent Cracked Christmas Party and Winter Gala. What was once an event filled with merriment and metric tons of the cheapest of alcohol, was rendered dull and lifeless by, of all things, copyright laws.
"Anyone caught doing the Electric Slide will be punished to the fullest extent of the law," said a sign at the door. Yes, thanks to Ric Silver and his one-man crusade to stop people from performing the Electric Slide in public, we are hereby rendered forever unison danceless.
And on what grounds does Ric Silver think he can stop us and everyone else from line dancing the night away? Because he owns the copyright. To the Electric Slide.
According to his story, he invented the original choreography for the slide back in 1976 and realizing what kind of goldmine he had on his hands, trademarked the moves as his own. He has even gone so far as to sue the Ellen DeGeneres show after Teri Hatcher performed the dance on the air. And before any of you electric boogaloo types get any bright ideas, he also claims the copyrights to Poppin', Lockin' and the motherfucking Robot.
Why We Could Do Without It:
First of all, anyone with a website that looks like this isn't going to get us on board with a damn thing. But god awful HTML aside, seriously, shut the hell up, Ric Silver.
There are already very few people in this world who aren't disgusted to the point of violence by the mere mention of the Electric Slide. With the possible exception of the Chicken Dance and the Hokey Pokey, it's probably the biggest scourge ever inflicted on group environments of any sort. So it would actually be great if Ric was trying to rid the world of the Electric Slide. Sign us up for that mission all day. But that's not Ric's beef. He just wants people to do it correctly.
Yes, if there is one thing worse than a bunch of people doing the slide, it's one person bitching about the technical imperfections of a group of people doing it.
#1. Rev. Will Bowen Complains About Complaints
Hey, shut yer piehole! That's the gist of Rev. Will Bowen's one-man crusade to get the world to stop complaining. To be more precise, his exact words are, "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude: don't complain."
No problem, Will. Can you give us one minute while we completely relearn everything we know about writing comedy articles? Would you like us to give up lists and dick jokes while we're at it?
Why We Could Do Without It:
While we will admit, there is some complaining we could certainly do without (looking at you, comments section), sometimes it's just what you have to do. Imagine if, instead of continuing to complain about British tyranny until enough people agreed and decided to revolt, the first person that brought it up decided, "Fuck it, I guess we're screwed, let me put this purple bracelet on the other wrist and change my attitude." We Americans would all be playing soccer and listening to fucking Robbie Williams right now.
If you're confused about that purple bracelet thing, allow us to introduce you to reason number two why we could do without this crusade.
Will hopes to accomplish his mission by way of those trendy rubber bracelets. People wear the bracelets as a reminder not to complain. If they catch themselves, they take the bracelet off, move it to the other arm and start over with their mission.
So, if you see someone with a purple rubber bracelet, you'll know you've found one of Bowen's followers. Unless of course they're wearing the Alzheimer's bracelet, which is also purple:
Or the "I Love My Dog" bracelet:
Or any number of other causes.
It appears there are way more causes than there are available bracelet colors. So, maybe they should restrict them to only the causes that, you know, actually matter.
We don't think the Reverend here qualifies.
Read more from Adam at ScenicAnemia.com
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