The 5 Most Ridiculous Causes to Ever Get a Website

Can the words and actions of one man change the world? Absolutely! Just as long as somebody gives a shit about what he's saying. If we're betting, our money says these guys won't find that somebody anytime soon ...

#5.
Ed Lake, Investigator of Fake Porn

The Crusade:

Anyone who says chivalry is dead has obviously never heard of Ed Lake. Since 1996 he's been patrolling the internet protecting damsels in distress from the evils of photo editing software. Ever since seeing a fake nude photo Gillian Anderson, Ed has dedicated his free time to "investigating" other celebrity nipple shots to determine if they're the real deal. Because he's a gentleman. A 66-year-old, not even remotely perverted, gentleman.

Why We Could Do Without It:

First of all, if someone emails us what appears to be a nude photo of Elisha Cuthbert, we'll accept that it's not real when and only when we're damn good and ready. Until then, let us live the dream, old man.

Secondly, there's a pretty solid chance that, although we may be in denial, we probably don't need to be told that it's a fake photo. Anyone who has ever seen a fake nude celebrity photo knows all of the telltale signs to look for. For example, check out this photo of Jennifer Love Hewitt and see if you can point out the warning signs that this is a doctored photo.

Obviously, as tantalizing as that photo is, nobody is going to be fooled into thinking it's really Jennifer Love Hewitt. She wouldn't be caught dead in that fucking jacket!

We're sure your intentions are noble, Mr. Lake. But you should find a more worthy cause.

#4.
Marcie Cook's War on Hot Air Balloons

The Crusade:

Marcie Cook wants you to know there is danger overhead! It's a danger that injures or kills people every day. Well, maybe it doesn't happen every day, but, like, almost every day. OK, maybe just some days, but surely every year or so, possibly.

The most sinister part of this hidden danger is that you'll never see it coming, unless the hot air balloon you're riding in happens to be nearing a power line. If that happens, you'll totally see it coming, because that is exactly the silent killer that Marcie Cook is on a one-woman crusade to protect the public from.

Turns out, she was injured when, against incredible odds, the nylon ball of hot air and wicker basket she was flying in wasn't able to endure crashing into a 9,000 volt power line. Seriously, you could've knocked us over with a feather when we heard that. Those things always looked pretty much indestructible to us.

Why We Could Do Without It:

Marcie is the first to admit, the idea of hot air balloons posing a serious threat to the public is hard to accept at first, but she's got metrics to back it up. According to statistics from the years of 1996 and 1997 (which are the most recent statistics available, presumably because some ambitious statistician managed to get caught up crunching the numbers for all the important stats and decided to move on to the total bullshit), there were on average only 7.47 injuries per 100,000 hours of general aviation travel. You know, airplanes and whatnot.

Now prepare to be shocked, readers. In that same time span, per 100,000 hours of hot air balloon travel, there were on average 33.62 injuries! Being that there were 3,760 general aviation injuries in that time, you can just imagine how many hot air balloon injuries that translates to--that's right, 39!

Holy shit, the devastation! Throw in the four fatalities in a two year span and it all adds up to no goddamn reason not to fly in a hot air balloon. Unless you're a dude, then it's totally gay anyway. In which case a little dangerous might actually help.

#3.
David Gracer: Bug Eating Advocate

The Crusade:

David Gracer is on a one-man crusade with a modest goal: to save the world.

While some would-be heroes hope to yank mankind from the jaws of extinction by eliminating greenhouse gasses or launching kickass covert military operations, David Gracer has another plan in mind. He wants to save the world through entomophagy, which means the key to our very salvation is to shun delicious hot wings and eat bugs instead.

Why We Could Do Without It:

If you even suggest that the idea of eating a bug disgusts you while amongst a large group of people, without fail some know-it-all will point out that, "It's not a big deal, people in other countries eat bugs all the time!"

Yeah? You know what else people in other countries do? This ...

The difference is, for whatever reason, they want to do that. People don't eat bugs because scorpions in wine sauce with a side of fresh greens are fucking scrumptious. People in other countries eat bugs because raising animals takes money. Money they don't have. For bugs, all you need to do is turn over a number of heavy rocks or, if that's too much work, just keep a dirty house and wait for them to show up.

But around these parts, the good majority of us can afford a chicken or two if the mood strikes. For those who can't, programs are in place, Dumpster diving for example, for the very purpose of keeping them from having to resort to snacking on dung beetles during tough times.

If that fails, well, we'll have to consider just eating fruits and vegetables, until we finally curl up dead from beef deprivation.

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