The 10 Most Sexually Unappealing Craigslist Postings

#5.
"TONIGHT, IF UR A REALIST"

Desired Demo:

Extremely specialized lesbians attracted to narcissism

Quote:

"YOU... Not too tall 5'8...No acne please!!, No chipped, bitten nasty finger nails or toe nails and pleas[e] maintain a mani/pedicure...not just pretty paint...I love light skinned black women, white women and erotic looking chicks...large breasts "C" and up. Pretty rack of pearly whites...you must smell amazing, dress nice and like you go out every once and a while. ME: All of the Above."

What We Can Assume:

That the listing's author has some sort of split personality as she claims to be both a light-skinned black woman and a white woman. Also, she would like to be serviced sexually by a clone of herself. And really, who wouldn't?

Where It Went Wrong:

There's nothing amiss about having standards, but this is by no means the venue to find a custom mate. If "ur a realist," you should realize that folks use this website to find a warm body to facilitate an orgasm. It's asking a little much to expect respondents to have sparkling white teeth. Just be satisfied they have teeth.

Why They're Not Getting Laid:

We don't know exactly how things work in Atlanta, but we doubt there's a large population of petite erotic-looking manicured lesbians with large breasts, both black and white skin, a perfect smile, expensive clothes and an enchanting aroma. If we're wrong, we'll gladly relocate immediately to this magical place.

#4.
"Any real chicks "UP" for a good time?"

Desired Demo:

Cocaine-using females that will overlook ill-advised tattoos

Quote:

"Booooooored as hell...got some party favors...23/m East Mesa...Please, ladies only...im fuckin' adorable... =P...cant rec[ei]ve texts...please be fuckin' real and unblock your number"

What We Can Assume:

The not so subtle mention of "party favors" and the emphasis on "UP" in the title means this starry-armed young man is trying to solicit women with cocaine or meth amphetamine. Though he is not explicit about what type of woman he finds attractive, we're guessing the teeth grinders who show up won't be as "fuckin' adorable" as our friend here, and might in fact be dudes with lead pipes and ski masks.

Where It Went Wrong:

First of all, this listing was posted at 12:30pm on a Tuesday. Boredom can be difficult, but there's got to a be better way to entertain one's self than searching out strangers for a cocaine party in the middle of a weekday. Furthermore, it sounds like this guy harbors some phone-related issues. Accidentally texting or leaving your number blocked might set him off.

Why They're Not Getting Laid:

Contrary to our extensive experience in the dope game (Jay Z's Reasonable Doubt and the first season of The Wire) he seems to assume that the only type of drug addict capable of picking up on innuendo are of the unarmed, disinclined to murder variety. We're thinking Twinkle Arms would be lucky if the first person to respond was the Phoenix PD.

#3.
"9 inches and a tight hole"

Desired Demo:

Transsexual job recruiters

Quote:

"looking for only passable hot sexy big booty t girl- thats looking for ongoing fun...also if you know where there is work to do- clerical or whatever also looking for a change in jobs...you wont be sorry- im versatile bottom-straight acting -good personality."

What We Can Assume:

That this gentleman is not your conventional multi-tasker. While looking for an attractive "lady" with a penis, he also inquires about career opportunities. We can only hope that when asked by a prospective employer how he heard about the available position, he responds with something other than, "Well, I met this passable big booty tranny and she thought I'd be a great fit ... "

Where It Went Wrong:

Networking is important, but there are contexts when it's not advisable--like when you're looking for a girl with a penis that will have sex with you. Also, based on our experience with clerical work around the Cracked offices, "9 inches and a tight hole" is at most only 25 percent of the job.

Why They're Not Getting Laid:

Our ven diagram of "People seeking clerical help/ Transexuals looking for straight acting dude to nail" is sadly out of date, so any speculation on our part is only accurate through the fiscal year 2006. We will say that he has a much higher probability than if he took the reverse approach and cruised for trannies on Monster.com.

#2.
"EXTREMELY GAY GUY HERE"

Desired Demo:

Homosexuals who may be unaware of Photoshop image editing techniques

Quote:

"I just currently had my prostate check and had a change of heart, women have been cruel to me and now I turn to you, my fellow swallowers, contact me if u want to have some oily wrestling fun, and by the way the picture is for fun thats not how I look."

What We Can Assume:

That if this is a legitimate post, the man who wrote it is not dealing well with some serious emotional issues. It seems far-fetched that an individual would choose to become gay after a prostate exam, even a thrilling one, but it's well within reason to believe that women may have ignored and neglected a man who suggests "oily wrestling fun" as part of his pick-up line.

Where It Went Wrong:

There's so much here that could potentially scare away even the most attention-starved homosexual, but the distorted face pics really aren't doing this guy any favors. Everyone looking to hook up with a gay man via Craigslist posts graphic photos of their junk and/or spread butt cheeks, that's how Craigslist rolls.

Why They're Not Getting Laid:

Anybody with an inkling of intuition will likely save their baby oil for someone who doesn't refer to members of their sexual orientation as "fellow swallowers."

#1.
"52 and Fat"

Desired Demo:

Men with absolutely no standards whatsoever

Quote:

"200 lbs. 5-9, tummy (4 kids)...DD, cellulite, stretch marks, wide hips...big um...yah, that but it gets tighter as I get warmed up...I have a big top but I don't like it played with (sensitive)...There is a catch...Send a pic and we'll go from there. Looking for Wed. about lunch time."

What We Can Assume:

That this woman may want to consider accentuating the positive. Personality? Hobbies? Income? Anything? We don't have high standards, honey. Work with us here.

Where It Went Wrong:

Other than the fact that pretty much every detail about this women is the antithesis of our cultural standards of beauty? How about the ominous warning that, on top of all that, "there is a catch?" The imagination wanders into dark places with that.

Why They're Not Getting Laid:

We're guessing most men moved on by the time she mentioned her cellulite and stretch marks, but those who stuck around to read the line, "wide hips...big um...yah, that but it gets tighter as I get warmed up," probably found themselves considering a life of celibacy.

If you enjoyed that, you might like Anthony's rundown of The 6 Creepiest Mail Order Bride Websites. And if you think "it gets tighter as I get warmed up" is the grossest sexual brag you'll ever hear, find out what Cher's boasting about in the Week in Douchebaggery. And if you're tired of hunting down all this Cracked material on your own, sign up for the Newsletter and receive the choicest picks of the week in your inbox every Thursday morning.

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