The 10 Most Sexually Unappealing Craigslist Postings
Last fall, Cracked profiled ten posts on the casual encounters section of Craigslist that were so bizarre, we couldn't help but bring them to your attention. We recently returned to the site to find more, in some cases even stranger requests for no-strings-attached nookie. Below, 10 more posts we tracked down that will leave you wondering, "What the hell is wrong with people?"
#10.
"hey guys"
Desired Demo:
Men, not necessary homosexuals, who want to sodomize a migrant worker
Quote:
"Im a construction guy really not gay...I pick this guy up to work with me he is one of those mexican waiting for day jobs in the corners and I don't think he is gay also but I give extra cash for his extra service...sweet sweet butt, I pick him up 3-4 days a week, I thought I could find some to do this with, another guy with strong dick."
What We Can Assume:
We're guessing Lou Dobbs is going to use this as ammunition in his campaign for immigration reform. Meanwhile, the construction worker in the Village People suddenly makes a lot more sense, though we still don't get the gay Indian.
Where It Went Wrong:
The photo is presumably the boner of the construction worker who posted the listing. Unfortunately, it's simply not an effective use of imagery if you're trying to attract people interested in "sweet sweet butt," or sweet sweet anything really. Also, if the listing's creator is "really not gay," he might want to think twice about soliciting men with his dong.
Why They're Not Getting Laid:
A blue collar worker who sodomizes migrant workers: Sounds like the villain from some NRA-sponsored first person shooter. We're guessing there are more armed to the hilt conservative vigilantes out there than men interested in photos of a fat, "not gay" dude's dong.
#9.
"How can I make the title stand out? How can I make you read this?"
Desired Demo:
Women interested in adultery and Arthur Conan Doyle
Quote:
"I've been on here before... never got a response... I know there are women out there who are seeking the same thrill I am... to cheat on their spouse and not get caught. I have plenty of exciting ideas... but I am not good at verbalizing them. I'm turned on by smart chicks who have a lot to say... because I'm like that. Currently reading Sherlock Holmes."
What We Can Assume:
Our friend here is no salesman. Rather than making a statement to entice the females cruising the site, he chooses instead to use the title line as a questioning meta-title that shows both desperation and a lack of creativity. It's a fitting lead-in to the actual listing, which also has a tone of desperation despite the fact that its author is married and confidently claims to be just like a gregarious woman.
Where It Went Wrong:
While some may cringe at calling betrayal a "thrill," we feel the mention of Sherlock Holmes is much more odd and off-putting. It's odd, because at no point in the century since Arthur Conan Doyle wrote those stories has the discussion of them gotten anyone laid. It's off-putting, because fans of those stories tend to be awkward teens, who are regularly ridiculed and beaten by their classmates. In any case, we have nothing but empathy for this man's wife.
Why They're Not Getting Laid:
The guy who wrote this listing reveals here that he "never got a response" to previous posts. We fully expect that trend to continue.
#8.
"Going out on a date this week Mon-Fri. anytime !!!"
Desired Demo:
Ladies that would give it up for the chance to experience the magic of a hotel room
Quote:
"I'm here on executive room minibar, cable tv, queen size bed, room service, magnificent view of SF, Hotel InterContinental...So i dun wanna waste this exclusive hotel room...If you wanna go out on date to dining, clubs, bars & followed by hot evenings at my exclusive hotel room... Then quickly get in touch with me...Luv, William."
What We Can Assume:
William demonstrates high standards by bragging that his hotel room is "exclusive." Not to be confused with most executive suites where they give your room key out to four or five different people and let you guys fight it out for bathroom privileges. He also seems to have mistaken the Bay Area for some sort of third-world refugee camp where women will have sex with pretty much anyone for food, shelter and the promise of a mini bar.
Where It Went Wrong:
Once again, the accompanying photos don't match up with the listing's supposed allure. William is trying to sell Craigslist users on his executive hotel and its magnificent view, but rather than post jpegs of the room, he opts to show off his slight frame. His sex appeal is unconventional (some might say limited), which makes us think he might be better served to use a picture of all the free shampoo and soaps instead of the close-up of his buttocks.
Why They're Not Getting Laid:
We like to cling to optimism at times like this, and thus hope that there aren't all that many women willing to take an all-expenses-paid night on the town in exchange for room service and the chance to watch Baby's Momma while it's still in theaters.
#7.
"Bored And Willing To DO Anything"
Desired Demo:
Women who would agree to sex based on hearsay about its health benefits
Quote:
"Sex is good for the brain, the body, and the mind. Can healthy organic cooking do ALL that? Nope! Sex is good for the immune system. Can yoga do that? Nope! There is no replacement for fun invigorating stimulating erotic orgasmics sex! Disclaimor: I am not a player or one-nighter. I want only one partner. And a good one too!!!! Lets sex togather!"
What We Can Assume:
That the listing's creator feels he should solicit a lover the same way most people ask a friend to be their racquetball partner. But while all the question-answer and exclamatory punctuation shows his seduction technique to be similar to that of a Bowflex infomercial, he also comes off as a sort of perverted and overbearing personal trainer, challenging women to allow him to assist them in working out their genitals.
Where It Went Wrong:
Besides the baffling image choice, it's not entirely clear where this non-player is getting the data to support his disparaging comments about organic cooking and yoga. Furthermore, it seems pretty unlikely that anyone would read this post and say, "Great. This is my chance to finally eat whatever I want and cancel that expensive Lotus Spa membership."
Why They're Not Getting Laid:
"Bored And Willing To DO Anything" might want to use his free time to come up with a more effective approach. Health-conscious females tend to read up on the subject, and probably go for sources more reliable than desperately horny guys they've never met.
#6.
"let's just say orally talented"
Desired Demo:
Women with a pulse, even obese women, as long as they're not skittish.
Quote:
"i love eating kitty i can do it for hours...im usually attracted to all kinds of women im not shallow at all i can find something beautiful about anyone so if your a bbw dont be scared...im not like every other douchebag on here i actually have a personality a great one i might add i dont plan to meet you then 10 mins later start fooling around i would like to get to know you at least a little maybe watcha a movie"
What We Can Assume:
That author of this listing has confidence in his ability to provide satisfying cunnilingus to anyone, large or small, who puts their vagina in his face. A cinema enthusiast whose photos reveal emo tendencies, he also has an open mind about what exemplifies beauty (which explains his hand tattoo and opinion that his own God-given allure could not be contained in just one photograph).
Where It Went Wrong:
The text of the listing is kind-hearted and certainly casts a wide net, but the picture of a completely serious My Chemical Romance fanboy showing off his less-than-impressive bicep clearly betrays the assertion that he is "not like every other douchebag." Alas, douchebags like this are congregating at your local Taco Bell parking lot as you read this.
Why They're Not Getting Laid:
His claim that he's talented at performing oral sex because he can do it "for hours" is not helping his cause. This would be like claiming you're a talented long distance runner because you can run a mile for hours: if it takes you any longer than seven minutes to finish, you're probably not as talented as you think.
satan dude is from mesa... yeah I live in mesa, that pretty much exemplifies every possible stereotype about this trashy town hahaha
ReplySome of these ads remind me of bad fan fiction. It's not implausible that some of those badfic writers are cruising for sleazy thrills on Craigslist, now that I think about it.
ReplyFor some reason, the ad for the Christian dating site has never seemed more apt.
ReplyI actually thought the "MCR fanboy" was kind of attractive
ReplyYikes. Have you ever chewed a piece of gum until it tastes of nothing but saliva and your tongue goes numb and bleeds? That's what I imagine hours of cunnilingus would be like. Also, am I the only one who was puzzled by the picture of #10? I kept thinking the check shirt was his boxers and getting freaked out by the perspective.
ReplyI cried laughing, more Craigslist articles please!
ReplySo "party favors" doesn't mean pinatas?
ReplyOkay, is it just me, or is #6 Jack Black? Because I've been unable to watch any of his movies since reading this.
ReplyHahahaha! This is one of the best articles I've read on here. My curiosity as to how the author found all of these creep-ball ads is only tempered by the fact that his evisceration of them is comedy gold.
ReplyMy Chemical Romance fans don't look like #6, Black Parade fans looks like that. Black Parade fans are the ones that give My Chem fans a bad name because they like to associate themselves with bands like Blood on the Dance Floor and Black Veil Brides. I've been a fan of MCR for 10 years and I hate Black Paraders (I also don't look anything like #6 up there) because they're on par with Richard Simmons. And no one wants to be Richard Simmons, I'm pretty sure Richard Simmons doesn't want to be Richard Simmons.
ReplyIdiot, Black Parade was an MCR album. You like that album you are an MCR fan.
God, I laughed through the entire article. Please, please write more of these?
ReplyAnd also, #6 looks exactly like some guy I know, therefore I'm not speaking to him ever again.
The end of this article has an ad for a dating service called Soul Geek. Because meeting your future spouse on World of Warcraft isn't pathetic enough.
ReplyWhat in the f**k is wrong with people? And what in God's name could "the catch" be? I hope it's not gross...it's gross isn't it? Dammit! I knew it was gonna be gross!
Reply"The Catch." Sounds like a great movie title with a horrible twist ending.
"That this woman may want to consider accentuating the positive. Personality? Hobbies? Income? Anything? We don't have high standards, honey. Work with us here."
ReplyI laughed so hard I cried when I read that!
I want to know what "the catch" is.. but i know ill regret it if i ever found out
after seeing the "extremely gay guys" twisted up face i lolled soooo hard i went into a coughing fit. thnx cracked :D
ReplyWait, people realize that 200 lbs. at five-nine is usually not more than chubby, right? Right... ?
ReplyBut omfg, the description. And that poor cat.
Yeah, but that was not, by any means, the worst part of her description.
FREAKY. #10 and #2 pics will give me nightmares!
ReplyHaha, that bit about the 6th guy is perfect! The guy's obviously not all that bright if he thinks that women are going to swoon over some silly idiot because he can 'eat kitty' (nothing like using kindergarten talk to describe a woman's vagina) for hours...I actually wouldn't be surprise if he was a virgin, he seems to know so little about actually pleasing a woman. Although, that can be said for a lot of men who aren't virgins, too...
ReplyI did think he was kind of cute but I wouldn't let him go down on me even if he paid me
#5 closes with, "We don't know exactly how things work in Atlanta, but we doubt there's a large population of petite erotic-looking manicured lesbians with large breasts, both black and white skin, a perfect smile, expensive clothes and an enchanting aroma. If we're wrong, we'll gladly relocate immediately to this magical place."
ReplyAt the time this article was written, such a place did exist: it was known as Neverland Ranch.
...So you are saying that up until 2 years ago there was a place in Atlanta called Neverland Ranch, that housed large numbers of hot, short, big breasted, rich lesbians?
This article made me laugh hysterically.
ReplyMe too! So much!