6 Things You Didn't Know You Could Get Addicted To

#3. Exercise

Doesn't sound so bad ...
Imagine a world where every push-up tasted like a 1996 Dom Perignon, where every sweat droplet tickles your cheek like [Scarlett Johansson's denuded gazonga]*, where every bench press smells like a crisp $100 bill. If this is the world of the exercise addict, we want in.

* NOTE: Female readers, replace this phrase with [Antonio Banderas' Latin love lance].

The horrifying reality:
The compulsive exerciser gets no extraordinary high from working out. Rather, the addict is joylessly consumed by the minutiae of his or her routine and will often overtrain and eschew leisure time to feel the burn. These people work out until they create hormone imbalances, destroy their bones and, ironically, waste muscle.

We can blame the three P's for exercise addiction: Perfectionism, Poor body image and Phear of athletic Phailure.

Muscular dysmorphia (aka "bigorexia") is a similar problem. The bigorexic will be unsatisfied with his musculature until he is able to arm wrestle a mastodon, and will not stop until he is a veiny mass of trapezius. We can attribute bigorexia to the three G's: G.I. Joe body ideal, Gigantism and Gsteroids.

Warning Signs:
If anyone you know uses the word "orgasmic" to describe his workout, either he's an exercise addict or hitting on you. Contact a mental professional or prepare for some serious emotional searching.

#2. Water

Doesn't sound so bad ...
Seriously, water? Your body is mostly water. Water has leaked out of every orifice of your body at one time or another. There's no way a water addiction could actually be bad for you, is there?

The horrifying reality:
Water addicts have been known to flush their body with upwards of seven liters of typically high-grade H2O per day, which can lead to hyponatremia, a potentially fatal sodium deficiency.

Wait, didn't they always say salt was bad for you? Well, what we've learned here today is that you need a minimum of everything, even things like salt and fat. Like there's probably some measured amount of tequila that is just right for the body.

Warning Signs:
Water dependency is fairly uncommon, but probably impossible to spot these days when everybody has a damned bottle of Dasani or Evian in their hand. Maybe it's the dude whose house is piled with discarded plastic bottles.

Then again, that guy could just be addicted to ...

#1. Garbage

Doesn't sound so bad ...
Save money and reduce your carbon footprint by not throwing anything away! For instance, wash out those tuna tins and you've got some natty street hockey pucks! Look at all those empty beer cans under your bed--those are serviceable maracas for Cinco de Mayo! And the cellophane from that Otter Pop wrapper? That's a prophylactic if we ever saw one.

The horrifying reality:
No one embodied disposophobia (the compulsive refusal to throw anything away) like the Collyer Brothers of Harlem. Until their deaths in 1947, Homer and Langley Collyer lived with approximately 103 tons of garbage in their Fifth Avenue brownstone. The brothers were notoriously hermetic. Langley would only lurk the streets at night, preying on junk like some sort of hobo vampire. When urban myths sprang up that the Collyer brownstone was full of treasure, the brothers built booby traps to defend their worthless trash heap.

The Collyers met their maker when their crap collection turned on them. Langley died when tunneling through a stack of newspaper, activating one of their hidden booby traps, thus crushing Langley instead of any would-be moldy newspaper thief. Homer, who was blind and paralyzed, died of starvation. This newspaper tunnel was so damn big that it took police 18 days to find Langley, who died a mere 10 feet away from Homer.

In the end, the Collyers' demise resembled the climactic battle scene in Home Alone 2, if the Wet/Sticky Bandits were mentally ill and died in squalor.

Warning Signs:
We're going to continue with the "everything in moderation" theme we've got going here and say that in fact a human needs a certain amount of filth to survive. So if your friend continually refuses to throw away that pot roast from last Christmas, he's probably just lazy. But if you find him surrounding the fridge with tripwire, it's probably time to have a talk.

If you enjoyed that, you might enjoy our rundown of The 5 Most Ridiculously Over-Hyped Health Scares of All Time. Or find out why traveling to Africa is a worse idea for your penis than ever before. Or watch a video about a horrific addiction that destroys lives and relationships (at least with people you might be seen with in public).

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!