The 10 Least Useful iPod Accessories Money Can Buy

#5. iBuzz Two

This seems to be the second generation of iPod sex toy (of the kind we mentioned in a previous article). This "music activated sex toy for couples" as they call it lets you and your partner both plug in your earphones, your vibrating nodes, click on your DragonForce song list and enjoy the feeling of sexual stimulation without actually touching each other.

So what's the problem?
We have to admit, at first we didn't see one. The thought of two beautiful women in a passionate embrace, with the sound of Barry White playing in their ears was quite intriguing to us. (Hey, if they feel like they need to plug into sophisticated music technology to enjoy themselves, more power to them.)

Then someone pointed out to us that most of the people using this are not going to be lesbians. No, most of the people using this are going to be heterosexual couples. And if the male in that relationship neglects to use the strange plastic toys, there's only one place (we hope) that he can make use of his end of the vibrator.

We're not judging here. We're just saying you better label which end belongs to which partner.

#4. SongThong

Didn't we just do the iPod for your panties a while back? Oh, wait. This is a pair of panties for your iPod.

Yes, for $4.95, you too can have this black leather thong that your iPod can wear. We don't really know what else to say.

So what's the problem?
Every single case or skin for the iPod has the same design. It protects the body from nicks and scratches while still allowing the user access to the click wheel and the screen. But somebody seemed to think that design was outdated, and thus the SongThong was born.

It denies access to the click wheel and obscures the screen, replacing function with the kind of pure, electronic fetishism that will surely lead to the downfall of civilization.

#3. PodShave/PodShaveLady

Great for morons and camping enthusiasts, the PodShave and PodShaveLady are electric razor attachments that utilize your iPod's battery. It costs $41.05, and supposedly can both suck up your stubble as it shaves it off, and allow you to listen to your music as you shave.

So what's the problem?
Because it's an electric razor attachment for your iPod! Why the hell would you ever need this? There is absolutely no reason why you can't own a razor and an iPod and use them independently of each other. Then you would have to worry about the movement of the razor messing up the sound quality of the music (which it has been reported to do).

Good God, what's next, an iPod toilet pap ... oh, Goddamnit!

#2. iPod Toilet Paper Holder

Atech Flash Technology decided that they wanted to bring more music into this world. After what must have been months of brainstorming on how to enact this poetic initiative, they came to their conclusion: an iPod you can listen to while taking a dump. Good job, guys.

Costing $99.95, the iCarta is basically exactly like any other number of iPod docks, except that this one has a built in toilet paper dispenser, and its speakers are waterproof.

So what's the problem?
Have you ever been sitting on your couch, and thought, "Oh my God, I really have to take crap, but I don't want to stop listening to this sweet Tears for Fears song"? Yeah, neither have we. As far as we can tell, that's pretty much the main reasons that Steve Jobs made the iPod so portable.

"But Mr. Cracked writer," you might respond in an urgent whisper. "I need music in the bathroom to cover the sounds of my messy bowel movements." We're not really sure what to say to that, except that you're weird for telling us, and that if the sound of your bowel movements is that big of a concern, you should probably just master the trick of a well-timed flush like the rest of us.

Still, the thing that weirds us out the most is that the iCarta advertises that its four speakers are waterproof. If you have a problem with the walls of your bathroom getting wet every time you take a dump, embarrassing noises are probably the least of your worries.

#1. Rock My Teeth

Yes, that is a teeth-whitening system that hooks up to your iPod. And yes, corporate America thinks that you will buy any damn thing they tell you to.

So what's the problem?
First, we'll let the Rock My Teeth people tell their side of the story. Here is their cartoon scientists explaining how sound waves can clean things, but only when there is music involved:

Yes, blasting anything with sound will instantly clean it--after all, was there ever a cleaner group than the crowds at Woodstock?

Actually, if you need an explanation as to why an elaborate contraption using "sound wave energy" and your iPod's battery to clean the teeth that you couldn't bother to take care of in the first place, then losing that $30 will probably be an important learning experience.

If you enjoyed that, you might enjoy our rundown of The 12 Most Ridiculous eBay Auctions. Or find out why the iPhone isn't as useful as they'd have you believe.

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