Dog Thong to iPaw: 15 Pet Products We Can't Believe Exist

#7. Political Pet Toys

In the politically-charged times we live in, we must express our poorly thought-out, knee-jerk opinions through any medium we can. YouTube, blogs, message boards, bumper stickers, t-shirts and chew toys.

Hold on. Chew toys? Are you fucking kidding?

No, they are not. has made it their sole mission to allow us to vent our frustrations though the patriotic Nerf-iness of the doggie chew toy.

Think Bush sucks? Let Rover have at him. Despise Bin Ladin? Train Spot to urinate on his face. Hate Ahmadinejad for his anti-homosexual comments? Laugh as Buster fucks his eyes out. The possibilities of seeking revenge upon your sworn enemies are endless as you vicariously dispatch the ills of the world though a creature whose concept of evil is limited to people not currently holding food.

#6. Swarovski Dog Dresses

If you're filthy rich you may already be accustomed to the spirit-lifting practice of declaring, "Fuck the poor!"

But what about your pet? Seeing as they can't speak, it's your responsibility to show the world just what your pet thinks about the underprivileged by forcing them to wear a $3,000 crystal-studded dress.

If a dog wearing this dress were given a Bow Lingual we would be audience to some of the truest words ever spoken, "You know I say 'Hello' by sniffing buttholes, right?"

#5. Neuticles

Gregg Miller is a man with a vision. Sadly, his vision is focused on your pet's testicles or, rather, the lack thereof.

A self professed "neurotic pet owner," Gregg is credited with the creation of the animal kingdom's answer to 44 DD's. Yes, the man invented testicular implants for neutered pets, the sick bastard.

After some research we discovered that humans can get Neuticle implants as well. Strictly for comedic purposes, we decided to find out just what kind of testicles we ... uh ... someone can have slapped in our ... uh ... their scrotum. We think the 2.75-inch Neuticles UltraPlus (with realistic firmness!) will look wonderful in our ... your ...

Ah, fuck it. We're not ashamed to admit that huge balls and no baby-making juice sounds like a win-win to us.

#4. Puppoose

When was it said that still-living creatures could be used as fashion accessories? If this is what's cool on Hollywood Boulevard, then we might be inclined to put out some Cracked-branded muskrat fannypacks and Narwhal totes.

Actually, it may be funny enough to just make this product in Great Dane size.

#3. Happy Tail Ale

Beer for dogs.

Wait, let's say that again ... beer ... for ... dogs. Yup, still stupid.

Happy Tail Ale seems to be for pet owners that have taken alcoholism to such an extreme that the only drinking buddy they can find just so happens to be of the non-human variety. But maybe we're wrong. Maybe it's for the man that is so manly that he needs beef-flavored beer to accompany his beef-flavored beef. Now, if only there was some way to incorporate boobs ...

#2. Happy Muzzle

Yes, this festively-colored muzzle will completely distract onlookers from the fact that this device is the only thing between them and having their throat ripped out.

It has the bonus effect of building up in your dog a silent, boiling rage at being made to look like a douchebag in front of other dogs. See that look in his eyes up there? That means, "You've got to take this thing off sometime, asshole. And you better hope you're wearing a bite-proof cup when you do."

#1. Petattoos

Hey, remember earlier when we joked about how the doggie thong wearers would be wanting tattoos next? It didn't take as long as we thought. We hereby present Petattoos.

We spent countless hours in the Cracked laboratories working closely with Petattoos and noted their effects. We have concluded that Petattoos are perhaps the quickest and most effective way to attract a random spin kick to the face from a stranger. There is also a 92 percent chance that the kick will be followed by a severe case of dog punting.

If you enjoy reading about things stupid people buy, but wish the products were deadlier, check out our rundown of The 13 Most Irresponsible Self-Defense Gadgets Money Can Buy. Then, find out about the surprisingly limited range of a fat man who eats potato chips with his belly button. And be sure not to miss some killer sex advice from Uncle Terry.

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