The 10 Most Baffling Computer Gadgets Money Can Buy

#6. The USB Ghost Radar

The retarded Japanese gadget company, Solid Alliance, has come up with the perfect solution to all your ridiculous fears of the supernatural. The Ghost Radar is a ghost-detecting computer peripheral. You heard us.

Connected via USB, this device is supposed to detect ghosts, spirits and other things that aren't real. It uses complex algorithms and analyzes data such as your skin's biometric feedback and makes lunar-cycle adjustments in order to detect if there is any paranormal activity within the vicinity. It then discards all of this information and tells you that there is a ghost in the room. This allows you valuable time to perform an exorcism/cower underneath your desk in fear/thank Solid Alliance for making such useful gadgets.

Why It's Pointless

The value of this item depends almost entirely on whether you believe in ghosts or not. Personally, being sensible and logical people, we don't. The only ghosts in our machines are the countless viruses obtained by foolishly clicking on those penis enlargement emails (not that we need them or anything, we were just curious).

The website claims that the gadget is supposed to comfort people but, if you believe in ghosts, we're not sure how comforting it would actually be to be told there is a demonic manifestation of a murder victim floating around your room.

The creators have been quite clever in producing a device that's impossible to accuse of not working properly. Because ghosts are either non-physical or non-existent it is impossible to tell if it's really detecting a real ghost, really detecting an unreal ghost or just really weirding out your co-workers.

#4. USB Pencil Sharpener

The USB pencil sharpener is an electric pencil sharpener that's connected to your PC for some inexplicable reason. Thankfully, unlike other power-draining pencil sharpeners, this device uses low-power consumption. There's no need to be worried about the irritating installation procedure necessary with manual pencil sharpeners either--this one's plug n' play.

Why It's Pointless

If you're close enough to a computer to use this thing, you do not need a pencil. You have the computer right there. This is like selling a phonograph that can only be powered by an iPod.

Really the only reason this is connected to a PC at all seems to be to power its colorful lights. Placing colorful lights on useless items has become a staple in the gadget world, presumably increasing sales to people who are so easily distracted that it doesn't seem like they'd be able to use a computer in the first place.

#3. Roll-Up Keyboard

The Roll-Up Keyboard is designed out of flexible materials (usually some type of rubber) that can roll up in a moderately tight bundle, allowing for ease of transport--perfect for those who tire of lugging their keyboard around with them all day. It's also water poof, if submerging electronics in water is your thing.

Why It's Pointless

Why exactly do you need a portable keyboard? Laptops have their own keyboards, and if you don't like the laptop's keyboard for some reason, you're sure as fuck not going to like typing on this floppy thing any better. Try putting it on your lap, and watch as your fingers chase keys that are now draped over your thighs.

The only conceivable situation where this would be useful would be if you plan on doing some emergency underwater typing, but we can only think of seven or eight situations where we've had to do that.

#2. USB Heating Slippers

Do your feet ever get cold when you sit at your PC? Don't panic! The Japanese electronic company Thanko has designed a pair of USB Heating Slippers that will help keep your feet toasty while you're working near the computer in a cold environment, such as a meat freezer or arctic research lab.

Why It's Pointless

It's hard to tell what market the creators were going for with this device (people who wear slippers or people who use computers), because these two groups rarely cross over. Even if you're such a person, it's unlikely these slippers will be much use outside of your home life.

Should you decide to use it at home, you'll be hampered by its very short wire, and most of your time will be spent lunging toward various items around the computer. Worst of all, it takes up two USB slots (one for each slipper) allowing few remaining slots for the rest of your USB-powered attire.

#1. USB Bouncer

Don't you just love bouncers? Insulting your hairstyle and refusing you access to the hippest clubs? Well now you can have your very own USB-powered bouncer, in case your self-esteem wasn't already low enough. The device is supposed to protect against people stealing your things, and boasts of three unique phrases to scare off thieves, such as "You're not comin' anywhere near here lookin' like that" and "You're cruising for a bruisin'."

The idea being that if some scoundrel should sneak up to your desk when you're away, the device will detect his presence and shout a preprogrammed line at him, thereby shattering his confidence, leaving him to skulk off in shame.

Why It's Pointless

Where do we start?

The creators are apparently relying on the bouncer to intimidate the thief with his 8-inch frame or perhaps with his impressive knowledge of 1950s slang. Obviously this is a ridiculous assumption. In fact the thieves will probably just steal the device itself (we hear criminals are big fans of irony).

We're guessing the device works by means of some motion-detection system, meaning it can't differentiate between possible thieves, random passers-by, and its owner. So if a thief does happen to skulk past your cubicle without noticing all of the highly important spreadsheets you've left open, your handy anti-theft device will helpfully get his attention by yelling insults at him. Just be sure to get your bouncer soon. The price will likely go up once they install one on every computer at the CIA Headquarters in Langley.

If you enjoyed that, but wish the products were deadlier, check out our rundown of The 13 Most Irresponsible Self-Defense Gadgets Money Can Buy. Then, find out about a USB device that's more helpful than the above, though less helpful than Steve Jobs would have you believe. Then, head over to the blog for a video that may be the most embarrassing non-Vista related product that Microsoft has ever produced.

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