The First Lady Teaches You How to Make Negro Loaf

CRACKED.com is launching a new feature where we ask some of our favorite sites on the web to fill in for us on Saturdays. You get to learn about an awesome site you may not have heard of, and we get to sleep off a wicked hangover. We're kicking it off with a blog entry from first lady Laura Bush, as provided by the good people at Newsgroper.com.

Greetings from the First Lady to all the lesser ladies all across this great nation of ours. With Flag Day approaching fast, I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to share with y'all an old family recipe -- Devil's Food cake! Or, as my great grammie Jennaybeline Susamae Welch called it, Negro Loaf. Except she didn't say Negro. Georgie says that I can't write ****** in my blog.

Below are the list of ingredients. Have your maid, housekeeper, or other ethnic person who comes to your house to clean and stuff, go and pick up these ingredients wherever it is they go to get your food. I'm not sure exactly where they go. Also, find some pots and pans and spoons and stuff. Remember, knives are sharp and hurt a lot. One time I saw a black person.

INGREDIENTS:

3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa
1 1/3 cups granulated sugar
1/2 month's prescription Prozac
1 1/4 cups milk, scalded
2 cups cake flour, sifted or stirred before measuring
1 1/4 teaspoons baking soda
2 cups Iraqi child's tears
1 teaspoon salt (if tears are not salty enough)
2/3 cup shortening
3 eggs
1 1/4 teaspoons vanilla extract
5 cups Christ's love

PREPARATION:

Now that we got all these ingredients together from the ingredient gettin' place, you may think that we're all ready to begin. Well hold your horses, because you're forgetting the two most important things you have to do before beginning any cooking project.

First, you need to pray. I like to pray in my special praying closet under the stairs in the East Wing. It reminds me of the crawlspace daddy use to lock me in to apologize to Jesus for being slutty. I pray for about an hour or so, or until I'm nice and limber. Next, and just as important, you need to take a few of the pills that your doctor gives you. As you can see from the ingredients list, we're throwing a generous portion of them into the mix, but it's a good idea to take a few of them before committing to any serious activity. Or casual activity. Or just sittin'.

I have to try to remember not to throw all the ingredients into the bowl all at once. That's bad, Laura.

Alright, now that Jesus in your heart and the helpy pills have let you escape the awake-nightmares, we're ready to begin. First, grease two 9 inch layer cake pans and line the bottoms with wax paper. Now, I know a lot of you common folk use Crisco, but I use a very fancy alternative that I found one time when I was hiding in the Lincoln Bedroom. It's called Ky (pronounced kai, like "Yippy-kai-yai-yay, motherfather!") If ya'll can find a gettin' place that has this fancy stuff called Ky Jelly, you should buy it. It probably costs $50,000 or so, though, so you regular folks may have to settle for Crisco.

Next, sift the cocoa with 1/3 cup sugar. Now pour it into the milk gradually and stir until well blended. Then set it aside to cool for a little while. One time in high school I was driving and there was a stop sign but I thought it was only a stop sign for coloreds so I didn't stop and I hit a kid named Michael Douglas. He went Wap! right on my windshield! It was the silliest thing. I still feel kinda sore about the whole thing. I wish I had run over the other Michael Douglas. That Basic Instinct movie was lewd and disgusting, and he looks like a Jew.

Alright, next, we sift together the flour, the remaining cup of sugar, the soda, and salt. Now add shortening and half of the cooled cocoa and milk mixture. Beat at medium speed with an electric hand-held mixer. You have to have electricity to do this, and I realize that many of you don't even know what electricity is. I didn't either until one time the Secret Service men had to tase me and lock me in the crawlspace for being slutty. If you don't have electricity you should have a handy ethnic person use a beating tool. Don't let them use the tool that you normally use to beat them, though. They might get ideas. And ideas are bad.

Now add eggs, vanilla, and the remaining cocoa and milk mixture. Continue beating for about 2 minutes, scraping bowl with a spatula occasionally. Have you ever been to Africa? I hate it. Don't go to Africa if you don't have to. There's flies everywhere and they don't even got an Armadillo Willy's. Just a bunch of huts and AIDS. After we move back to Texas I don't have to touch AIDS people ever again.

After you put it in the oven, hurry up and clean everything up spic and span before your husband gets home or he'll give you a well-deserved walloping! My husband is the President.

Happy Flag Day, everyone!

Many more blogs of equally questionable authenticity can be found at NewsGroper.com.

56 Comments

caiter

Recently, quite a few celebrities and pro athletes were said to appear on the millionaire luxury club "MeetRich.com" to hook up with hot girs and models. OMG!!! Are these famous guys fond of internet dating for now?? Maybe they are indeed so rich that they feel boring sometimes to need new things?

Posted on 4/15/2008 7:48:02 PM

NDewing

NewsGroper sucks, guys.
To anyone saying "this is satire," well I would remind you that satire is supposed to be subtle. If you have to be clubbed over the head then it's not really a good satire, is it?

Posted on 4/14/2008 5:08:34 PM

Ranger

NO...of course not. But I'll hold 'em down while somebody else does! How else are the expected to learn about sex?

Posted on 4/14/2008 12:20:39 PM

AkaP*

I found this article, exceptionally lazy.
Thankyou, Cracked staff for ensuring the downward spiral, of a once daring, intellectual and funny site.

Posted on 4/14/2008 9:20:49 AM

Iicurgo

Ranger, you like to fuck kids at summer camp?

Posted on 4/14/2008 7:56:56 AM

manleyart

It's ok just as long as Cracked makes fun of Obama's wife if he gets to be the token negro prez. She could make RACE BAITING, BROKEN SOUL MISSISSIPPI MUD PIE!

Posted on 4/14/2008 7:38:52 AM

Sigma

Iraqi child's tears? We all know they're incapable of crying. When emotion surfaces it becomes a proximity mine.

Posted on 4/14/2008 5:59:09 AM

So...were I part 'Negro'... which Jew would I contact here to voice my discomfort with this article?

Posted on 4/14/2008 12:05:29 AM

bunnalsom

Oh man...I just found out this website was all in good fun. This whole time I thought all these articles were real thoughts of the authors. Idiots.

Posted on 4/13/2008 12:02:48 PM

So...I'll be like the rest of the complainers on here that don't get their comments deleted: 'Hey Cracked. What's with this article? It's 5 minutes of my life I'll never get back! I'm using MY electricity to access your site for entertainment, and your mouthwash ain't makin' it! I've seen funnier stuff during an abortion! WHICH...reminds me of a joke: What's red and green and has 13 tits? Answer: The garbage bag behind the Cancer Clinic. So Cracked...this linked, lame, lazy article...is this the sign of things to come? Let us all know. We'll use the same time we'd normally use to patronize your site and all go elsewhere if you're not going to put your back into your work on here. Just post a general statemen stating if we can expect better, or you'll continue with the lame crap as of late. Hey now...don't delete this comment. I'm just bitching like everyone else on here (plus threw in a great cancer joke as well...I rock). Cancer is funny. Cracked as of late, is not.

Posted on 4/13/2008 10:39:40 AM

And...yet again...Cracked has removed one of my comments. God-like they are. Picking and choosing what remains in this land of acceptance and freedom of speech...on an 'open forum' (right!).

Posted on 4/13/2008 10:25:07 AM

pmm

I get the joke, it's not exactly Moliere. It's pretty sad that Cracked posted an article that appears to rip off an episode of 'Lil Bush'.

Posted on 4/13/2008 7:29:30 AM

fragg

To everyone who hated this article because they do not understand satire (think the Onion people)--THIS IS SATIRE.

To everyone who understood the satire but still did not like it--I'm not ripping on you; if you didn't like it you didn't like it.

Posted on 4/13/2008 5:42:48 AM

sykeson

Hey, I registered just so I could write a comment and refute the good chunk of below. I realise that it might be hard to figure out when to laugh when the article isn't in list form, but I for one found this hilarious - irreverant, subtle and pushed the line just a little bit too far (in a good way). Pulling in something a bit different like this once a week is a great move. Keep it up!

Posted on 4/13/2008 2:42:07 AM

homage

No matter how hung over I have been, never have I woken up in bed with anything this unfunny.

Posted on 4/13/2008 2:38:55 AM

giantcowofdoom

yeah, i agree with Gr3m1in, but even hung-over cracked should still have been able to find something funnier than this, seeing as they had the entire fucking internet at their disposal to mooch off of. Hell i would have been much happier if they had just gone retro and posted the main page of yourethemannowdog.com instead of this piece of shit article.

Posted on 4/13/2008 1:33:22 AM

Gr3m1in

Read the intro people. Let them sleep it off. I'm sure that, like many things they did this weekend, they will regret doing this, and apologise. Then forget it ever happened and do it again at some future point.

Posted on 4/12/2008 10:50:53 PM

Bitch, bitch, bitch. Moan, moan, moan. Gripe, gripe, gripe. Fuck...it's like a bunch of kids at fucking summer camp!

Posted on 4/12/2008 9:17:03 PM

Anybody on here that doesn't like any/all of the articles on Cracked... you can either go elsewhere, shut the hell up, or submit (what you think is) 'better' material. This IS a FREE site...it's not like you're getting ripped off of anything. FUCK!

Posted on 4/12/2008 9:15:54 PM

jennined

Yeah, I didn't think this was funny, either, but some of you are acting like it's the only piece of shit you've ever read on Cracked. They can't all be winners (except for in their mommies' hearts)!

Posted on 4/12/2008 8:54:53 PM

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The First Lady Teaches You How to Make Negro Loaf

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