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Your Body Hates You: 6 Gruesome Disorders Anyone Can Get

#3.
Your Body Eats Your Brain (Opsoclonus-Myoclonus Syndrome)

That Sounds Fancy. What is it?

Anti-drug PSAs have long threatened that consumption of illicit substances will slowly devour your brain, rendering you a shell of your former self. This could well be true, but at least you got to trip balls before it happened. Opsoclonus-myoclonus syndrome (a.k.a. Kinsbourne Syndrome) cuts out the pleasant euphoric middleman and just starts chewing through your brain by itself.

Opsoclonus-myoclonus syndrome is an auto-immune attack on your brain. The mechanism for how it initiates is unclear, but researchers theorize that the pituitary gland starts a rumor that the cerebellum is housing WMDs and the immune system is obliged to tear the brain a new asshole while futilely searching them out. The attack has the surgical precision of operating with a hand blender, usually obliterating areas of the limbic system and brain stem as well. This hijacks control of basic motor functions, sleep regulation and emotional stability.

Though it probably finds a way to leave your ability to hate life intact.

I'm Scared. How Scared Should I Be?

Shockingly, this syndrome isn't fatal. So if you're the 1 in 10 million who develops it, rest assured that none of the facial tics, body tremors, bouts of confusion and rage, insomnia and instances of your eyes spastically jerking around in their sockets will kill you. Gosh, some guys have all the luck!

Man, How Much Does Your Body Hate You?

= As much as a vampire hates the sun.

#2.
An Invisible Nail in Your Eye (Cavernous Sinus Granulomatosis)

That Sounds Fancy. What is it?

Imagine for a moment that one of the contact lens you're wearing starts to slip around on your eye. If you don't wear contacts, imagine you were inexplicably drawn to tuck something in your eyelid for safekeeping. No matter how you blink, squint or fish around for it, you just can't shake that uncomfortable prodding sensation on your most delicate tissue. Annoying, right?

Now imagine that contact lens is a 10 penny nail soundly lodged in your ocular cavity for days or longer. If you didn't have the balls to imagine it don't fret because cavernous sinus granulomatosis would happy to take the guesswork right out of it for you.

Cavernous sinus granulomatosis is a condition where channels behind the eye become inflamed, putting pressure on the bundles of nerves behind it. These nerves, not having the chops to secure a legitimate gig doing pain sensation on the outside of the body, can't miss their time to shine and really lay it on thick. This can also cause blurred vision and a tingling sensation in the forehead, but most patients seem to focus on the OH MY HOLY FUCK sensation of a nail in their eye.

The condition is idiopathic, a term constructed from Greek roots idios and pathos to mean "a disease of its own kind". It's a very fancy way of saying "We have no idea what is causing this ... are you certain there's not a nail in there somewhere?"

I'm Scared. How Scared Should I Be?

There's actually little to be scared of here, assuming you're a carny accustomed to goring your face with nails. The rest of you may feel free to shit yourself now.

Real nails through the eyes are usually reserved to the domain of B-movie action scenes, which means you're probably ill-prepared to deal with this pain. In a way, having an actual nail in your eye would be preferable, since even correspondence-schooled opthamologists will be able to diagnose and treat it. You might be able to suppress it with corticosteroids, but half of the patients have recurrences in a year regardless.

Man, How Much Does Your Body Hate You?

= As much as chihuahuas hate essentially anything.

#1.
Huge, Monstrous Jaw Syndrome (Mandibular Ameloblastoma)

That Sounds Fancy. What is it?

A strong jawline is often equated to manliness. There's just something so stout and indomitable about it that anchors ruggedness to the face. Really, the bigger the jaw the better. Hell, if you look like a blowfish that just had it's wisdom teeth removed, all the manlier.

We can only hope that belief is part of your cultural ideology before mandibular ameloblastoma sets in or you may find your quality of life reduced by the fleshy Suburban that just parked on your face.

Comparing them with Jay Leno is futile. Someone with mandiubular ameloblastoma looks like they've tucked Jay Leno into their cheek for wintertime storage. These bulbous cysts not only extend several inches from the face, but often deform and expel teeth from the jaw in the process. It acts as a tumor, but the root causes are speculated at everything from jawline infection to autoimmune issues. The only thing leading medical journals can agree on is that is it best classified as "fucking horrifying."

I'm Scared. How Scared Should I Be?

Mandibular ameloblastoma doesn't wish to kill you. In fact, it wouldn't even entertain the notion as that would perceived as merciful. It just wants to bleed your will to live, real slow.

It is unresponsive to traditional modes of chemotherapy and radiation. You can try and excise it, but if any is left behind, it will all too likely grow back. You can't reason with it. It doesn't feel pain or emotion. And it absolutely will not stop until it has forced you to excise your entire jaw.

Man, How Much Does Your Body Hate You?

= As much as Blu-Ray hated HD-DVD. Via con Dios, HD-DVD.

More of Ian's stuff can be found at InternetSensation.com.

If you enjoyed that, check out our rundown of 5 Douchebag Behaviors as Explained by Science. Then, watch an ad for an exciting medical breakthrough for women with a more common problem. Or find out why our very own Dan O'Brien feels somewhat responsible for Vanilla Ice's decision to push his wife in front of his daughter.

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