#3. Family International
Also known as the Children of God and the Family of Love, these folks are the reason most of us know the word "cult" today. We say accept no substitute when you want to devote your life and soul to a group of societal outcasts.
Most famous for giving sex a more prominent role in their beliefs than your average Amish, the Family has a tradition of religious prostitution. While suckers at regular churches handed out pamphlets threatening you with Hell if you didn't go to Church, the Family used positive reinforcement by having people fuck you to convert you, a marketing ploy that could probably sell anything from sandwiches to shoes full of broken glass.
Since they decided to take an official stand against sexual child abuse, which they happily claim to have stopped a full 18 years after they were founded in 1968 (really, who knew child molestation was wrong before 1986?).
They also take a stand on sexuality believing that it's cool for chicks to be bi. But only if a dude is there, which is something Jesus probably would have said if he'd thought of it. Also of note: that this cult exists in the real world and not a porno, though we can only guess at what inspired it.
Like most Christian-based religions, the Family loves Jesus. Unlike most, they feel they literally love Jesus. During sex or masturbation, women are encouraged to imagine it's Jesus working his magic on them. Men, as you may expect, are encouraged to imagine they are women, so as not to seem gay when they think of Jesus doing them. You didn't expect that? Neither did we. But, we try to always keep an open mind.
In fact it's nice to know that as a member you'd be way closer to the Lord than most people claim to be. Way, way closer.
#2. The Brethren
Cult life may get a lot of trash from the bulk of the population and the media, but there's something to be said for a group that offers you not only a kick-ass super hero team name like the Brethren, but also tips on scoring free food. The Brethren, founded by a former marine, have a history of raiding trash receptacles for sweet, expired produce.
The Brethren are nomadic, which means signing up is a guaranteed road trip to somewhere. Possibly the nearest Dumpster, but possibly Mexico or Canada with their exciting trash bins full of delicious tacos and dead moose.
They live simple lives, wanting to be like Jesus, but probably without that pain in the ass crucifixion part. Also, appealing to the lazier nature of man, they feel having an actual job gets in the way of getting to heaven. It's at this point that we raise our hands and say, "THE MAN SPEAKS THE TRUTH."
Also frowned upon are most clothes, worldly possessions and personal grooming, leaving members in brown tunics with long hair and beards, roaming the world on bicycles with backpacks like college kids trying to find themselves in Europe, minus the pot and wacky misadventures with tranny whores.
Much of life in the Brethren seems to be wandering, preaching the good word about the ZZ Top look and living without anything at all, staying in abandoned buildings and trying hard to figure out what exactly separates them from mere hobos.
Leader and non-hobo Jim Roberts
Either way, all of this means you're not saddled with the expectation to hand over a chunk of your paycheck every week, because you don't have one. You don't have to worry about cleaning your house or doing the dishes because you don't have any. No cares about paying off that credit card, since you don't any. Well, maybe you have one from before your conversion, but it's not like they'll know where to send the bills.
#1. The House of Yahweh
Having a leader you can believe in is the key to any good cult. Luckily, the House of Yahweh has Buffalo Bill Hawkins. And Buffalo Bill has a YouTube account.
Unlike popular religions which try to bore us with things like scripture and goodness, the House of Yahweh is all about making sure we know what the fuck is going wrong out there in the world. For instance, did you know Satan is a woman who appoints all political and religious leaders, with the probable exception of Buffalo Bill? Or that by mid-2001 80 percent of the world's population will be killed by a nuclear war and then it won't rain for over 1,000 days? And when Y2K hits, you better make sure you're on the right side of Jesus or you're gonna be so screwed.
Bill's book, The Nuclear Baby. Cover art by '80s-era Megadeth.
Fortunately, Buffalo Bill is a prophet so while those Catholics are caught on the toilet when the Rapture hits, he will have found all of his followers the right mountain top to stand on to make it easier on God to take us all away and we will have all had time to have some snacks and pee before it happens.
While some might argue that, as a prophet, maybe his dates should make sense or maybe he should have known he was about to be arrested for bigamy back in February of 2008, we believe this is probably all just part of the master plan. Look at the video again. There's totally a master plan.
If you enjoyed that, check out David Wong's rundown of The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses. Then, enjoy our in-depth critique of the Church of Scientology (a critique which, it should be noted, uses more dildos than most). Or, head over to the blog for some adorable robot heckling with Ross Wolinsky.