A shark is a 24-hour tooth factory attached to an organic outboard motor. The only reason we're killing them at all is because we evolved the ability first. If even one of those flesh-seeking missiles had taken time out from mincing things with its face to develop a thumb-fin, we'd be hiding up trees from giant water-filled roboshark suits.
Ability to swallow a child without chewing notwithstanding, we've never considered sharks a major threat--keep out of the sea, miles the fuck away from Amity Island, avoid sticking your legs into mouths that look like tooth-lined oil barrels and you're golden. The problem is that the Ganges shark, as the names suggests, swims in a big freshwater river--just like regular, non-humanivorous fish.
The vegan tofu brigade point out that the incomplete bodies washing up on the Ganges shore might have been dismantled by the Bull shark, not the innocent friendly Ganges shark, which presumably uses its vast collection of teeth to sieve pollution.
But this isn't a murder trial, PETA. We're not looking for the exact multi-molared monstrosity that converted someone into pork confetti on the night last Tuesday. We're not going round interviewing sardines asking "Have you seen this cartilaginous killing machine?" If you even look like you eat people and hang around in a freshwater river where we wish to remain uneaten then welcome to evolution, sharks: loser, you.
We stopped at 32 teeth and started on fingers, you just kept going, and now you'll see why that was a bad investment.
Shark size enhanced for detail
So how do we finish them off?
The recent death of Martin Brody has robbed us of both our Shark Homicide Police Division and vast Improbably Constructed Submarine Captain. On the upside, this shark lives in a river so we can avoid the "going out in the fucking water with the water-based murderizer" mistake made by most cinematic shark seekers.
We're told that simply having the military line up along the banks and fire machine guns into the water is both expensive and inefficient, so we'd probably have to look into just poisoning the water somehow, or perhaps creating a chemical reaction that will turn all of the rivers into a powerful acid. How else will we make the waters safe for our children?
Let's get the obvious question out of the way: Why is it called the corpse flower? Because it smells like rotting dead bodies. Why does it smell of rotting dead bodies? To attract the armies of flesh eating beetles that pollinate it. Why does it exist? Because Satan is real, and He hates us very much.
To further cement its status as "genuine product of human nightmares," it looks like a giant 12-foot penis. Really. Originally named the Amorphophallus (Latin for "Weird Dick"), it was given the name "Titan Arum" by David Attenborough, who point-blank refused to spend a documentary talking about the majestic StrangeCock plant. When Mr. Nature himself refuses to even utter a plant's name, that's more strong evidence for the "Satanflower" pile.
Until 2000, the Arum was the official flower of the Bronx. It's one thing to accept that you have a crime problem, but when even your chosen flower smells of dead bodies you may be taking "truth in advertising" too far. It was replaced by the day lily. To summarize: It stinks, it's disturbing looking and it's been fired from a day job in the Bronx--this species is already dead, it just doesn't know it yet.
So how do we finish them off?
Despite being critically endangered in the wild, the amorphophallus is kept around by museums which not only grow them, but bill their occasional flowerings as "fascinating and educational."
Armed guards protect onlookers from the corpse flower