8 "Self-Help" Books That Will Do Nothing of the Sort

The first sentence of this book asks us "What is premature ejaculation?" Well fuck, you tell us. We didn't mail order this book with discrete packaging only to get dicked around.

The authors (yes, there are two of them--we are left to wonder how they compared notes for this project) have been described as the "leading experts in premature ejaculation." Not quite the headline we would shoot for on the old resume, and if you were going to be an expert on something, would you really want it to be this?

One of the sections discusses the need for Ejaculatory Regulation, which couldn't sound any more like a state department if it tried. What does an Ejaculatory Regulation Violation look like? Who issues the citations? Does the fine force you to use the 'squeeze the head' method? The book does at least debunk that idea, apparently.

Besides, everyone knows the secret to ending premature ejaculation is to just tell the woman that it's her fault! This solves your ejaculation problem by enabling you to avoid actual ejaculation-criticizing women in the first place.

We will provide you with the first few sentences from the books own introduction: "I think constricting anus 100 times and denting navel 100 times in succession everyday is effective to good-bye depression and take back youth. You can do so at a boring meeting or in a subway."

We guess we know now what the author was doing during the entire writing process of this book. Just when middle-aged white women had begun to monopolize the 'Jesus Christ, what are they fucking talking about' market, along comes Hiroyuki Nishigaki to set our anuses straight. He implores us; "Besides shooting out a big blank from your buttock, you can feel as if your root chakra leaked sweet hot mucus."

Rand, Kant and Kierkegaard couldn't figure it out even after a lifetime of research, but with one fell clenching swoop, the answers to our life problems have now not been answered on a whole new level. Never before has an attempt to help raised so many unique questions. How does one, as the book suggests, " ... Shoot out his immaterial fiber or third attention to an object, concentrate on it and attain happy lucky feeling through the success of concentration?"

Half of the book consists of the author's Usenet postings, and people's subsequent reactions and confusion. So in a roundabout way it becomes a book about why no one uses Usenet any longer.

We're not doctors, but we're thinking that after so many clenches, it will become impossible to unclench, and your cup will runneth over. With shit.

If you're not exactly sure when beating the shit out of your wife/girlfriend became such a big deal, thankfully, Christian Domestic Discipline is here to justify bitch-slapping your wayward lady once again.

If you find yourself lost in the wild world of wife whacking, there is, fortunately, a great introduction from the book here. It explains that Christian Domestic Discipline "explores using discipline spanking in a loving, consenting, heterosexual relationship, to help the woman overcome negative behaviors that harm herself, her relationship or others. It is about creating loving limits to her behavior and firm consequences".

Note that homosexuals are excluded from this kind of holy union where you get to beat the spiritual piss out of your spouse.

Regardless of what kind of negative behavior makes these women deserve such a smack down (Voting? Getting a career? Not being pregnant?) at least it's pointed out that this is loving wife spanking. Is it possible to be more turned on by all of this? We don't think so, but ask again and we'll have you over our knee, woman. Lovingly of course.

If You Take Their Advice ...

You just might learn some god damn manners, woman. Shh baby, put the phone down, stop crying. You know we love you. Shhh.

Put simply, if the ideas espoused in The Secret were remotely helpful or useful, we could have simply willed a way to begin describing the horrors contained within.

As it stands, all that we managed to will ourselves into was an aneurysm, trying to determine just how something this vapid and useless has ever managed to grab the attention of the likes of Oprah, and the New Thought movement. On second thought ... question asked, question answered.

To put it simply, The Secret encourages you to view the universe as a sort of "catalog that we can flip through and shop." You may recall the universe as this magnificent thing which doesn't like having it's catalog fucking flipped through.

The man-boobs of fate.

We hate to be the one to break it to overweight housewives everywhere, but they can get their George Foreman Grills and invisible-dog leashes from Amazon just like the rest of us. These people also insist that they have seen kidneys replaced and cancers dissolved. Yeah, so have we! It's called modern goddamn medicine.

You can join the ranks of disillusioned losers worldwide, who honestly believe that anything you could possibly want is simply a positive thought away. You can cast away the traditional methods of getting what you want such as intelligence, effort, breasts and coming from a rich family.

Of course the people pushing this claim to be masters, which means they can will the universe to get whatever they want, and we're presuming they want us to buy and read their book. So ... you can prove that the book is worthless by just not buying it.

That's that, then.