5Super Sugar Crisp Cereal: Sugar Bear
Super Sugar Crisp is a hell of a drug.
Have we ever seen a more stark portrayal of the family devastated by drug addiction? While Victor Vicious and his tiny Cloverfield-like offspring are busy wreaking havoc on defenseless grandma, Sugar Bear is nonchalantly sitting under a tree satiating his demons with a bowl of Crisp, terrifying in his apathy toward the situation, all like "evvvvvvvs maaaannnnn, I'll get to that bitch when I get to her. Quit harshing my mellow."
By the time he gets off his junkie ass and comes to grandma's rescue, the "vitamin stealer" has made a Hurricane Katrina-like skeleton of her once proud abode.
Probably settling a drug debt of some sort. But honestly, this is the direction things were headed anyway. It's clear from this commercial that Sugar Bear was spiraling out of control. It wouldn't have been long before he was stealing grandma's shit, including the siding off her house, to support his habit. Once that well ran dry, it's just a matter of time before he's blowing some grizzly bear in the back of a van for an eighth of Crisp and half a grapefruit as part of his less than wholesome breakfast. Tragic.
4Rice Krispies: Snap, Crackle & Pop
What happens when you invite the son of Satan himself over to spend the night and he doesn't like the breakfast you serve? He summons his minions, and wanton violence and deliciousness ensues!
At somewhere around the 15-second mark, we were hit with the sinking feeling that this commercial was going to end with the gracious sleep over host meeting an untimely and needlessly violent death at the hands of "Bobby." We're still not convinced that didn't happen at some point. As troubling as Bobby and his goth eye shadow is ...
... he has nothing on Snap, Crackle & Pop.
Notice how they just snapped and made that mushy cereal disappear? That's not a power that's generally limited to cereal. They could've done the same to those three equally-frightening mushy cereal henchmen. But they didn't. Because they wanted to fuck some shit up.
How do three mini-guys who work in the breakfast cereal industry even develop such a propensity for random violence? There's really only one explanation. The whole cereal thing is just a front; Snap, Crackle & Pop are hired killers.
We're not sure why Bobby wanted those mushy dudes killed, but he knew where they would be and he knew who to call to get the job done.