You know how your parents always tell you how good you have it compared to what they went through back in the day? Judging from these commercials, they may very well be right. While we struggle through a day of channel surfing with Feist and Victoria's Secret super models, our parents had to endure this kind of terror during commercial breaks--often with no remote control to save them.
7Green Giant Vegetables: The Green Giant
You know what's kind of scary about this early version of the The Green Giant? Everything.
Nothing jolly about that fucker. That bizarre, jerky robotic walk and that cold, lifeless smile will haunt our dreams forever more.
If this commercial was a horror movie, it would surely feature a friendly, 70-year-old farmer who, on seeing this terror descending upon his farm, would let out a blood-curdling scream and and take cover behind a bale of hay. But after noticing the Giant's calm, smiling face and gentle demeanor he would foolishly step from behind his makeshift shelter and attempt to make nice with a few stammering "H-h-hey buddy's" and an ice breaking "Are ya lost?"
All fears would be put to rest when Big Green magically produced a can of Niblets and bent down as if to make a peace offering to the gentle farmer. It's at that point our beloved farmer would be bludgeoned to death with the can of corn and promptly devoured.
6M&M's: The M&M's Candies Man
Remember kids, never take candy from strangers. Unless they're dressed in what appears to be flamboyant, tight-in-all-the-wrong-places official candy company garb. In that case, follow them wherever they may go.
Make sure to bring all your friends, too! We wouldn't want anyone staying behind to tell your parents what you're doing now, would we? WOULD WE?!?!?
We shudder to think where these neighborhood skip-fests eventually ended. After earning the trust of neighborhood kids and parents through a series of fun-filled group activities, the Candies Man would inevitably start popping up at "other" times.
Like when that one kid with the absentee father and the alcoholic mother happened to be walking home from school alone. Out of the blue, there stands the M&M's Candies Man, smiling with that come hither grin with a half-guzzled bottle of scotch in one hand, a bag of M&M's in the other and a cigarette dangling from his lips.
We're not sure what was up with the cop who, half way through the ad, goes skipping along with M&M Man and his harem of preteens, but in most jurisdictions, wearing that outfit alone would be considered probable cause for a search warrant.