Scientology Is ... Nice
AN APOLOGY:
Cracked.com contributor Tim Cameron, with the help of Betty Gluckin and a large chunk of the Cracked forum produced the song and video for "Scientology Is ... Nice", based on what Tim claimed was a six month-long investigation into the organization. We gladly accepted the work based on the title alone.
Now, having actually listened to it, there has erupted a bitter debate among Cracked.com staff. One side described it as "disgusting" and "juvenile," and stated it should never see the light of day on the site.
The other side believed that it should not only never see the light of day, but that it was in fact a "cancerous blight on the very face of civilization" that, if not obliterated, "would render all previous human cultural achievement into a corrupted filth equivalent to the scrapings from the scrotum of Satan himself."
Indeed, in the wake of our release of the song and video (and we cannot do otherwise, due to contractual obligation with Mr. Cameron) we expect a rich discourse about just how much disgust should be heaped upon it. We welcome this discussion, and offer our apologies.
Oh, and in case you missed anything, here are the lyrics.
Scientology Is ... Nice
Scientology is not the cult for me
And I was so naive to think they wouldn't try to screw me
Join, you'll understand
They'll make you feel a man
The trouble is, I mean that literally
Yes, I really should have guessed
From the man who gave the test
He wore a velvet leotard with assless chaps and pink mascara
Oh, I was a fool
For his electronic tool
That told me I was beautiful
And I love you L Ron Hubbard, but there's got to be another way
Tell me why my body thetan needs to have his wiener beaten
Every brother-humping day
Ronnie said to me, one day you'll be OT
But first you've got to nibble on this triple-filled dick pastry
But I could barely hear
(His balls were in my ear, which he assured was policy)
Now I'm struggling to learn which books I'm supposed to burn
Cos it's so hard to concentrate with fifteen men to masturbate
They said if I defect, they'll do a disconnect
And I'll never see my junk again
And I love you, Dave Miscavige, but your ramming is so savage
That I don't dare sit down
Tell me, how can I report you, when you've only gone and bought
Every officer in town
This is a parody, please don't burn my family
I've just, yeah I've just gotta say
That Scientology is ... nice
interesting and funny. some may find it offensive but it was all worth it to get to the "Scientology is... nice" joke
ReplyThat dude was hittin' those high notes!
ReplyHe's like a Justin Bieber that doesn't suck.
Whoa...
ReplyI think this is the first message board in the history of the internet where all the posts are actually CRITICIZING the content for being using anti-gay imagery. I needed to do a complete double-take!
It's so hard to post something humorous in this PC age. Most people don't get jokes or pick up sarcasm as it requires thought. Most people just skim... and that's as deep as their thoughts can take them. By the way, PC, in this instance means "politically correct". I knew I had to point that out from all the skimmers posting comments. I also wrote this long post to dissuade the skimmers from reading it. It's afternoon! Cheers!
ReplyEveryone who cries about gays being offended here is a gigantic faggot.
ReplyI found this very funny. =] I don't think it is meant to be homophobic at all, it's making fun of the fact that Scientology is homophobic though.
ReplySooo, Tim Cameron, any chance of uploading the full song to somewhere? It's so damn catchy.
Fuck Scientology.
ReplyAnonymous is legion.
We do not forgive.
We do not forget.
This was a less than anonymous post.
What a tool.
NOT COOL, no reason to make fun of gay people, just fucking insane scientology, and rape.
ReplyCamerhil, Bettytron, you rock. That's pretty much all I have to say.
Replyyou know that movie Shaolin Soccer? you know that one scene in the bar where the two guys are up on stage, and they start performing this really awful song? and then the camera flashes to the audience and there's this one girl sitting there looking like she just got mentally hit with a brick? i'm pretty sure that's what i looked like throughout the entirety of that video. i mean i didn't have a mirror in front of me or anything, but i have a feeling it was a close resemblance.
Reply@aiiia: Why would you waste the 15 minutes of internet usage the special-ed program lets you have each week by coming here?
ReplyHow dare you suggest gay men are scientologists.
ReplyOh my god. I know both of you. and you're both a part of the inner sanctum. you conniving little...
ReplyAlso, calling a homophobe gay isn't gay-bashing, it is funny, like calling a midget 'big guy', a fat guy 'tiny', or Tom Cruise straight.
ReplyJesus Christ, I should hope so. "Gay" is a bland description of someone's sexual preference, while "Scientologist" describes someone who's made a sequence of terrible choices and become a danger to others.
ReplyJust so you guys know, when I click on the title of the post on the front page rather than the 'see lyrics here' link, it brings me to a similar but different page.
Reply