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Feed Your Life-Destroying Cracked Habit with the Saturday Round-up!
Welp, the Academy Awards are tomorrow night and we feel confident in calling an early victory for the only film on the entire list of nominees that we actually saw this year: Best Achievement in Makeup: Norbit. You heard it here first, folks. Anyway, here's a bunch of stuff that's almost as funny as Norbit. This week in blogging, Gladstone gives us an inside look at the Academy Awards show's Head Writer. Also, Ross seems to be able to tell the future, but only when it directly involves tattoos and breast implants. Speaking of trashy bad decisions, Mike Swaim's got the scoop behind Lindsay Lohan's nude fashion shoot. Speaking of expensive hats, Dan O'Brien has the latest in Hannah-Montana-hating technology.
Notable Comment: Why bother reading the comments section if you can just read C.B.'s startlingly accurate summation: "Wwwwwow..while I found the article entertaining, it pales in comparison to the collection of comments. Let's break it down: 1) The adamant, anal retentive debunking squad, 2) The witty Cracked defenders, 3) The automatons looking for sugar mommas/daddies. This is the greatest use of my time EVER."
Notable Comment: JakeBarkings says "Corporate finance is an area of finance dealing with the financial decisions corporations make and the tools and analysis used to make these decisions. The primary goal of corporate finance is to maximize corporate value while reducing the firm's financial risks." It goes on like that. Seriously, for like three more paragraphs. You're not even trying to read the articles anymore, are you?
Notable Comment: Rena, who is totally a person and not a spambot of any kind, says "Mario should have been NO.1!i grew up with him.------------ my name is Rena, a beautiful woman from us.. internet is a good place to meet friends or even more, right? I just want to find a mature gentleman for fun time here... maybe to be my sugar daddy.. i also uploaded my hot and sexy photos under the name mature4u on SugarCupid.com..maybe you want to check them out." Thanks for posting Rena, but why should Mario be "NO.1" just because you grew up with him? That kind of seems like a good reason for why he shouldn't be on this list, let alone NO.1. Maybe you should re-read this list, you don't seem to have a really firm hold on its message. Anyway, it's good to meet you and great to hear that you are a beautiful woman from us, which we think means America. Your lack of clarity in thought and your horrifically loose grasp on basic spelling and grammar notwithstanding, we agree with you- the internet is a good place to meet friends. We're thrilled it was invented. Also, we hate to disappoint, but you're not likely to find a mature gentleman here, (for fun time or otherwise). We're the guys who write about video games and smurfs and dicks. If that's the kind of guy you're looking for, well, we just might be able to help you out. But a "mature gentleman?" See if CNN has a blog or something.
Notable Comment: AllGayAllTheTime says "I LOVE Testamints, especially spearmint!" Is that an intentional pun? Like, do they seriously market 'Sharpen that Spear[mint] and stab it into Jesus' side?' If not, they should. This marketing writes itself.
Notable Comment: anthro student whines "Actually, the bonobos (also known as the pygmy chimpanzee) scientific name is Pan paniscus and the 'common' chimp is Pan troglodytes. Both are classified as 'chimp' and are the only two species of chimp recognized." Yes, originally we were going to dive into a lengthy but informative lesson describing the subtle yet important differences between Pan paniscus and Pan troglodytes, but then we remembered that we're Cracked, so instead, we alluded to a chimp-lesbian-adventure so you could all think about a bunch of lady chimps doin' it the next time you're boning.
Notable Comment: We refuse to highlight a comment from this article. The comments section featured some of the nerdiest comments we have ever seen. Which obscure wizards we left out, which precious wizards we were too hard on, which baseball team Gargamel more closely resembled than the White Sox. Way too much nerd for an already nerdy site.
This week on the most important news source on the internet, embodiment-of-professionalism Lindsay Lohan gets naked and maybe some other stuff happens, too. Also, Lindsay Lohan takes all of her clothing off. Finally, for the world outside of Lindsay Lohan's vagina, we've got the week in douchebaggery. It's the news for people who feel like seeing Lindsay Lohan naked. |
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20 Tacky Religious Products Guaranteed to Anger God
The 15 Most Bizarre Mating Rituals
The 7 Most Underachieving Wizards in Hollywood History
The 30 Most Regrettable Bumper Stickers
2.21.08:
warning: the bears are diabetic..
by anonym
Editor's pick:
"Well shit," thought Leonard, upon arrival. "Those were the three main reasons I came to Thailand."
by Fairview
2.20.08:
When Stephen Hawking's wife was away, out came Sally...
by jackage
Editor's pick:
Yes, Billy, I'm sorry you had to find out this way. Grandma wasn't real.
by Nift
2.19.08:
...and Sega fails miserably trying to compete with the Nintendo Wii.
by Dax_Frost
Editor's pick:
Tagline: He's not handi-capable. He's handi-UNSTOPPABLE.
by Corpsy
2.18.08:
The Australian Air Force is underfunded, but they don't mess around.
by IrishTerror
Editor's pick:
Candygram...
by Crenshaw
2.17.08:
It took 3 weeks to finally unclog the shower, and there was much rejoicing.
by corpsy
Editor's pick:
Not pictured: Enough ass to make this picture interesting.
by lawdragon
2.16.08:
The horrific, wraith-like colossi served as warnings to those crossing the bridge that they were entering the wasteland known as New Jersey.
by Corpsy
Editor's pick:
After utterly crushing all opposition and forcing the tennis world to its knees, the Williams sisters discuss the next target for their rage.
by Wizard
2.15.08:
Stop digging dude! You're here!
by Drunkenprophet
Editor's pick:
The dead hooker I planted finally took root.
by turdfurgeson
33 Comments
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AllGayAllTheTime
I lived in New Jersey, I worked in New Jersey, I spent a great deal of time making friends in New Jersey, and, for the record, New Jersey POSITIVELY SUCKS (almost as much as the comments left by Wet Spot)
unknown
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unknown
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