For as long as there has been religion, there's been someone hawking religious crap to scam a buck off the devout. But once the market becomes saturated with tasteful silver crosses and Star of David pendants, retailers had to find more exotic fare to tempt the faithful.
And so began a downward spiral of crass and downright sacrilegious merchandise that is certain to call down the wrath of the almighty Himself.
Crazy cat ladies transcend religious barriers--it's really a unifying theme of humanity. As such, when Chanukah rolls around, those Jewish crazy cat ladies bust out Ketzel. It's the one time of year that Judaism really lends itself to lighting a nightmarish looking blue cat in a bow tie on fire for several days.
For those not able to bring up Biblical verse off the top of their heads, this is Luke 6:38:
Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
Yes, today the Lord has heaped upon us this blessing of bubblegum tape.
Some of the darker aspects of the scriptures, things like fiery wrath and disease, are tricky to capture in soft, cuddly animal form. Or are they?
Yes, they are. But that didn't stop someone from trying with the 10 Plagues of Egypt toy. Now your child, ages 3 and up, can enjoy an unhappy severed head of the first born, locusts, twitching, dying cattle and so much more.
The groan-worthy pun name of this product alone should be enough to get it banned by the church. These mints have scripture written on the one-inch square wrapper, which we guess makes them a sort of a reverse fortune cookie.
Their spokesperson is none other than Jaci Velasquez. You know, Dove Award-winning American Contemporary Christian Latin Pop singer Jaci Velasquez? Yeah, that one. She assures us these things are minty as hell. As hell.
The urge to engage in some manner of cannibalistic ritual with God is a natural one, what with that whole body of Christ thing that creeps out so many kids at church. If you could make Jesus a little more tasty, toss in some sprinkles and maybe a little chocolate, why not? And so what if the cookie that it forms ends up looking like some emotionless, drug-addled eastern European cartoon in a shopping cart?
Known to roam the valleys of Israel, the chocolate Jew bear is credited with inventing kosher pickles and once chasing Abraham three miles across rough terrain. Oh sorry, we made that whole thing up by accident. Yeah, we don't know where the fuck chocolate Jew bear came from.
Maybe they made up this cartoonish character, as they knew every child's instinct would be to bite the head off first. It's not like they can have the kids biting the head off Jesus.
Or, maybe they can.
After much research, it became clear that the Pope Cake (or Dolce Del Papa) is not a joke. Some Italian joint called Pan Ducale made them because Pope John Paul II really dug this cake and not, as we had hoped, because the Pope made each cake himself.
What's that? You thought we were going to make some kind of sophomoric "Poop Cake" reference? We're afraid we're going to have to ask you to leave.
Let's be honest, Jesus hates fatties. It's somewhere in the Bible. Just follow the asterisk on that bit about him loving everyone. But that doesn't mean He'll hate you forever. Not if you pick up the Praise Workout Circuit Training Video so you can trim down to the sweet beats of inspirational worship music.
If all other workouts have failed, this has to work as it puts God on your side. If this fails, you're almost definitely going to eat your way right to hell.
As many of you know, we absolutely hate going to the beach. Not because our pale, undernourished frames respond to the sun in vampire-like fashion nor because that big, muscle guy keeps kicking sand in our faces. No, it's because we can't stand the thought of leaving blank, wordless tracks in the sand. Well thank God that's not a concern any more. Now we can tell the world, on the beach or some muddy lot, that Jesus loves them from the bottom of our feet.