Since as far back as the silent film era, Lloyd's of London has been dishing out insurance policies on celebrity body parts, to any and every performer vain enough to believe their career would come to a crashing halt if they got a scar on the finger they play the banjo with.
Granted, in some cases it's money well spent. Bruce Springsteen's voice should be insured dammit. But other times, it's shit like this ...
David Lee Roth's Sperm: $1,000,000
During his '80s heyday, David Lee Roth proved himself to be possibly the most forward-thinking rocker of all time by taking out a $1,000,000 policy on his sperm. But unlike the other insurance seeking celebs, who feared that their various appendages and orifices would fail at some point, Dave was concerned about just the opposite. His policy would pay him $1,000,000 if one of his swimmers had the nerve to take hold in the baby making parts of some random groupie, thus resulting in a bank account-draining paternity suit.
No way was Diamond Dave parting with his cash in such an unseemly manner. Should he be unfortunate enough to be strapped with the title of baby daddy, Lloyd's of London would dish out a hefty $1,000,000 to make it all better. Presumably, the money was to be spent half on paying off the chick and half on mountains of coke to ease the guilt that comes with scattering fatherless kids all around the globe.
Was It Worth It?
Of course! Just as a rock and roll frontman adept at rocking flamboyantly-colored spandex outfits and high-flying martial arts maneuvers with equal precision should, Dave floated through the '80s on an ocean of anonymous poontang. Having to come out of pocket with a wad of loot every time the bag broke could've left the man destitute. Dave cut this nasty predicament off at the pass by taking the term "protected sex" to awesome new heights. The man was a goddamned visionary.
What he should have gotten:
It's a pretty safe bet that, as a rocker fully expecting to hit the road and partake in the waves of in-the-sack action that comes with the territory, Dave stood no chance of landing any kind of health insurance policy. Dave should have probably considered adding a clause to the Lloyd's of London policy that protected him from the nasty little side effects that can result from anonymous, drug-fueled sex romps, should he wake up some morning and find his penis oozing a substance that eats a hole in his floor like the blood from the creatures in Alien.
Mary Hart's Legs: $1,000,000
Some people have it too damn easy. With the possible exception of Vanna White, nobody has spent the last 25 years getting paid more to do less than Mary Hart. As the co-host of Entertainment Tonight, her responsibilities range from interviewing celebrities to ... yeah, that's about it. With a cush job like that, you certainly wouldn't blame her for wanting to make sure the thing that allows her to do that job is protected. But, in what had to be either a fit of outright confusion on her part, or wildly powerful salesmanship on the part of some scrappy insurance salesman, Mary Hart had her legs insured for $1,000,000.
Was It Worth It?
Well, if you believe the always-trustworthy Wikipedia, Mary Hart "is perhaps best known for her shapely legs." And there's a rumor that ET had a glass anchor desk installed to show off Mary's legs.
A desk designed for people who masturbate to Entertainment Tonight.
But for fucks sake, a million dollars? We're talking about a woman who spends the majority of her working hours being filmed from the waist up while promising to tell you all about the shocking backstage details you didn't see on the American Idol finale. Aren't the killer legs sort of a nice-to-have?
Mary Hart's legs may be absolutely phenomenal, but it's not like getting her stems mangled in a freak farming accident would prevent her from talking about K-Fed. Even if she lost both of her legs, you could still prop her up on a dessert cart and roll her out in front of the camera for a few minutes a night. Who wouldn't want to watch that?
What she should have gotten:
If The New England Journal of Medicine is to be believed, and it usually is, Mary Hart may want to look into some liability insurance. In 1991, a woman claimed that she got epileptic seizures after hearing Mary Hart's voice on an episode of Entertainment Tonight. That's the kind of thing men have joked about at the expense of countless women for centuries, but this time it actually happened.
When doctors later conducted laboratory tests, they confirmed that the sound of Mary Hart's voice set off abnormal electrical discharges in the woman's brain which led to the seizures. When she stopped watching Entertainment Tonight, the seizures never returned. Luckily for Mary Hart, the woman never filed suit, opting instead to live a life devoid of up-to-the-minute news about entertainment's biggest stars. But if someone else comes down with the Hart Shakes, Mary may not be so lucky next time. Time to consider an "I send people into convulsions" addendum to that stupid legs policy.