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5 Ways Hollywood Tricks You Into Seeing Bad Movies

By Ben Joseph February 14, 2008 1,641,608 views
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#4.
The T&A Smash

According to science, nearly 50 percent of the world's population are huge fans of erections. If all else fails, producers can always try to draw in the audience with the promise of good ol' fashioned soft-core pornography.

King Arthur
Is the female lead leaving your film's posters a little, um, flat? No problem. They're lucky we live in an era where an 11-year-old can give Margaret Thatcher a dog's face (and even manipulate the picture too, hiyoo!).

Almost Famous
Cameron Crowe's comedy/drama about rock in the '70s was aimed squarely at middle-aged Americans who traded in their vinyl records for pleated khakis and a mortgage. Studio executives apparently didn't think Baby Boomer nostalgia would translate overseas, so they created an international poster that spoke the universal language of "jailbait."

S1m0ne
Free-floating technophobia rarely spawns two hours of cohesive cinema, and this story of a computer-generated starlet is no exception. Fortunately, the poster promises plenty of boobies to make up for it!

In the actual film, Simone not only fails to appear clothing-impaired, but an aging Pacino remotely controls her every move. There's no better remedy for arousal then seeing Al Pacino attempt to mince seductively.

I must concur with Lord Zett, though the play is still better.

8/18/2009 3:50:38 PM
snorlax422

SWEENY TODD WAS A GREAT MOVIE YOU SONS OF BITCHES

7/2/2009 10:13:53 PM
Lord_Zett

Almost Famous is a great movie, why is it on here? Sweeney Todd was only good if you hadn't seen the original one with Angela Lansbury. Seriously the new one was way too dark.

6/2/2009 4:40:47 PM
strangedaze

Wow uberschnepp, you are so in the know and cutting edge, can I have your baby?

P.S. If you mention how everyone else is an ignorant schlep while we are doing it, I will have twins.

3/15/2009 11:41:32 AM
Fuckaccounts

I always knew Sweeney Tod was a musical, I hated it when like half the people left the theater during the opening scene. It just shows that the f*****g 'theater crowd' is way different from the people who actually give a s**t about what they're going to see before they buy their ticket. Who has that kind of money anyway? Do people really spend close to eleven dollars to watch something they never even f*****g heard of?

3/13/2009 12:11:13 AM
uberschnepp

......I love Sweeney Todd.........


....Which.......explains a lot.

3/11/2009 12:47:35 AM
kitourahime

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3/10/2009 9:07:36 PM
sexybeauties

One can just imagine what that pirate girl meant with "fire in the hole"

3/10/2009 12:02:29 PM
RedBaron

To be honest, I kinda want to watch H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds now. I never read the book, but I loved Jeff Wayne's musical version, and that was set in 19th century Britain, and as far as i know followed the original story...

3/9/2009 7:17:48 PM
Jesus469

Did anyone see "Man of the Year" with Robin Williams? That movie went from political comedy (as avertised) to conspiracy theory so quickly that I jumped up from my seat and yelled, "WTF?!?" in the theater.

3/5/2009 3:47:57 PM
Sophmore

I thought of a perfect movie for the genre bait and switch - Coyote f****n' Ugly. My god that movie was a piece of s**t. My brother and I went to see it thinking it was going to be all about hot chicks dancing on top of bars for money and boy were we mistaken. That was five minutes of the whole f*****g movie! The rest of the movie was some melodramatic crap about a chick trying to get a record deal. f**k that s**t. Thanks Cracked, I'm going to go demand Jerry Bruckheimer refund our money for that POS movie by hanging him upside down from a ledge like in Goodfellas.

2/1/2009 12:26:54 PM
Truthiness

OK-I did press *stop* halfway through #5

Is that considered an Internet virtual movie theater walkout?

Good god we may never know-owing to the fact that I didn't even actually move, but I clicked a mouse button.

Hmmm-that movie doth didns't seemuth sucketh much.

I, however, seem to be recovering from it's suckingness.

I believe it gave me cancer.

12/29/2008 2:52:10 AM
lordbronco

Erm. So I'm a little bit guilty of the whole bait and switch thing in relation to Sweeny Todd. Pre-movie, it was a play., On a stage. With real people. My boyfriend...not so much on the musicals. So I told him we were going to see a play about a serial killer. And (much like the movie, I may add) I left out the whole singing bit (the movie cut half of the damn songs). But it all worked out okay, like the movie did. So I guess the moral of the story is...it's sometimes okay to smudge the truth of the content of a show.

12/5/2008 5:49:51 AM
Maryland_Belle

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12/2/2008 4:42:07 AM
alicehuang001

good for you

11/30/2008 1:12:25 PM
davo

Sweeney Todd is the greatest movie in the entire freaking world and if you don't like it then thats just too bad. It isn't even REMOTELY like Pirates of the Caribbean. It is beautiful, touching and heartfelt. Does the story of a barber, sent away so that a judge can rape his wife, sound like running aroud drunk trying to kill some octapus face? No.Just because it has blood and killing in it doesn't make it "gothic". The movie is 200 thousand times better than anything I have ever seen. If you don't like my comment, I don't want to hear it, I don't want to see it, and don't even bother replying with nasty comments.

11/28/2008 5:42:54 PM
mrs.lovett13

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11/26/2008 12:13:41 PM
bux-to

Sweeney Tod wasn't really a bad movie, especially when you compare it to some of the other musicals that have come out recently.

*shudder*

11/25/2008 4:01:03 PM
prahanormal

The PirateXXX was better than the actual third movie, too.

10/16/2008 11:34:52 PM
gobsmack

that Margaret thatcher joke made me LOL!

10/13/2008 7:46:57 PM
cottog8444
Cracked stuff on