What happens when two Cracked bloggers–one irrepressibly chipper and optimistic, the other a bitter, hollow, withered husk of a man (that one’s Ross)–are locked into a chat session without anything to sustain them but the ten worst commercials to air during Super Bowl XLII? Read on, and you just may find the answer.
Michael Swaim: You’ve got it all wrong. They can fly, but the white man keeps them “down,” both in the figurative and, here, literal sense. It’s a symbolic call to revolution that I think is long overdue.
Ross Wolinsky: Are you implying that it was a white man flying the plane that almost killed him?
Michael Swaim: The plane itself was white, and I think that says something.
Ross Wolinsky: I’ll concede one thing: the guy looks great in that suit.
Michael Swaim: On a positive note, with Hancock coming out, I think we’re finally reaching a place where society is ready to talk about flying black people. It’s about damn time if you ask me.
Ross Wolinsky: You’re just overcompensating to not seem racist.
Michael Swaim: Look, talk all you want, but when you’re the first one snatched by the Airborne Brotherhood of Namibia, don’t come crying to me.
Michael Swaim: BOTH! And how can you not like this?! AMERICA CHOSE IT! It’s the definition of Democracy. Are you against Democracy, Ross?
Ross Wolinsky: Here’s the thing: I LOVE the song (bought it WAY before the Super Bowl), I LOVE Democracy, and I REALLY LOVE Doritos. Too much of a good thing?
Michael Swaim: Only if you try and exercise all three at once. Nothing kills my voting buzz like going into the booth and finding nacho cheese powder everywhere.
Michael Swaim: Hey, have you noticed that “Kina Grannis” sounds an awful lot like “kinda badass?”
Ross Wolinsky: If I bought every product that SOUNDED like something cool, I’d have WAY too many products, Swaim. C’mon - you know this commercial sucks.
Michael Swaim: What I know is between me and my heart.
Ross Wolinsky: Liar.
Michael Swaim: I think you’re missing a very important aspect. This is a car commercial with CANNONS in it. Cannons fired by BUTLERS. Have you priced cannons lately? I have, and let me tell you it’s not a buyers market.
Ross Wolinsky: Just because it was expensive doesn’t make it good. Waterworld was expensive, too. Okay, bad example - Waterworld rules.
Ross Wolinsky: I think they’re relying on the fact that the word “badger” sounds funny.
Michael Swaim: HAHAHA!
Ross Wolinsky: Badger.
Michael Swaim: HAHAHA! Stop it!
Ross Wolinsky: Badger.
Michael Swaim: SERIOUSLY! I CAN’T BREATHE! Oh, man, I’m totally going to go buy a Lexus.
Ross Wolinsky: It’s a Toyota commercial.
Michael Swaim: I don’t even fucking care anymore. All I know is I’m delirious with laughter. Clearly, this commercial succeeded. Lexus dealership here I come!
Ross Wolinsky: That’s a message I can get behind, actually. Hair is serious business.
Ross Wolinsky: The music in this commercial really sucks though.
Michael Swaim: I can’t believe anyone could dislike a commercial where at one point there are nine Shakiras in frame.
Michael Swaim: If the music bothers you that much, mute the TV, download some Kina Grannis, munch some Doritos and enjoy.
Ross Wolinsky: I’m more of a Dove guy, personally, but whatever.
Michael Swaim: Well, we’ve all seen YOUR hair.
Ross Wolinsky: You ever try those bars of soap they make that are 1/4 lotion?
Michael Swaim: I’m using one right now.
Ross Wolinsky: How do they do that?
Michael Swaim: I don’t know. All I know is my ass has never been smoother.
Ross Wolinsky: Oh wait - they’re shoes. I get it.
Michael Swaim: I want to know more about this “Them” they mention. Do they have chemical weapons? Are they religious fundamentalists? I’m frightened. Please, Mr. Underarmor, do whatever you think is necessary to protect us. I’ll sign anything.
Ross Wolinsky: If someone made a dystopian movie about the world being run by professional athletes, I would pay upwards of $3 to go see it.
Michael Swaim: Little do you know, this commercial you claim to hate is actually a brilliantly subtle ad campaign for the upcoming Ving Rhames vehicle “UnderArmour: Us vs. Them.” Michael Mann is slated to direct.
Michael Swaim: They fight by seeing who can pull tires the farthest.
Michael Swaim: Ving wins.
Ross Wolinsky: It will be the greatest product tie-in film since The Wizard. If people love the shoes, they’re gonna love the movie.
Michael Swaim: And if they love the movie, they’re gonna love the commemorative plate series.
Michael Swaim: I already pre-ordered the one with Michael Vick as Secretary General of the Federation of Us. Ironically, his undersecretary is a genetically engineered Irish Setter.
Ross Wolinsky: I’ll buy the shoes, the plates, and I’ll go see the movie, but I still fucking hate this commercial.
Michael Swaim: Needless to say, they disagree on some policies.
Ross Wolinsky: MOVING ON.
But to where, my worthy adversary? Check out Ross’s Daily Nooner for Page 2.
When not collaboratively blogging for Cracked, Michael makes stream-of-consciousness videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
- If You Wanna Make An Omelette, You Gotta Let Some Kids Get Molested - November 13th, 2008
- CNN Ushers In Era Of Incisive Reportage With New Holograms - November 12th, 2008
- The 7 Deadly Sins of Online Gaming - November 7th, 2008
- If McCain's Concession Speech Was As Bitter As His Campaign - November 6th, 2008
- Class War! A Handy Guide - October 30th, 2008
June 19th, 2008 at 9:18 am
nice article. BTW, I saw many hot sexy videos @ ___PlusMeet.c o m___, where many sexy big boobs women, big booty women and big manful guys meet together for fun, friends, romance&love!
April 15th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
[...] read more | digg story [...]
February 8th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
as to the terrifyingly fit black guy - he is not ray lewis, but ray lewis was in that underarmor commercial. he is just not the main guy - i’ll take mustafa’s word that that is eric ogbogu
February 7th, 2008 at 4:31 am
Lets see.
Budlight Ad - Stupid, tries too hard to be funny.
Doritos Ad - Umm…where are the Doritos, and who the f*@#% is Kina Grannis?
Toyota Ad - Just like the Budlight Ad, but the baby badgers nursing was kinda-sorta cute.
Sunsilk Ad - Dumb, but the only thing I liked about it was the Marilyn Monroe part.
Under Armour Ad - All that extravagance of a black muscle man yelling out “FUTURE”!!! to a uninterested-looking crowd of people for a pair of shoes? Give me a break.
February 7th, 2008 at 3:00 am
too bad the “More Refined” and “The Future Is Ours” were two of the best shown
February 5th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
I used to wear an under-armour thing for playing rugby. It’s also referred to as ’second skin’. It’s basically this skin-tight shirt you wear to keep you warm on cold training nights.
It’s kind of gay actually. It’s the closest real-life thing to Flander’s ski-suit.
“Feels like i’m wearing nothin’ at all, nothin’ at all, NOTHIN’ AT ALL!”
February 5th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Naomi,
Yay! Sorry your Wii wouldn’t let you view vids. Don’t worry; they suck anyway. Get Smash Brothers Brawl! And never let your passion fade. Or if it has, just look at this to get it going again.
February 5th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
The best thing going was when the damned FootBot got trashed by the Friggin Terminator!
February 5th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Er, Freudian slips.
February 5th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Correction: I think it’s only racist if they…
I guess that’s what they call one of them Freudian blowjobs.
February 5th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
I think it’s only black if they rearrange the words to read: “fit, loud, and terrifyingly black man.”
February 5th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
sorry to rain on your parade, johnny boy…but that was not ray lewis, it was actually Eric Ogbogu, former linebacker on the Dallas Cowboys. You’re also a racist for thinking that just because he was a “terrifyingly fit (and loud) black man”, then he must be Ray Lewis…cracker
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eric_Ogbogu
February 5th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
The commercials, generally speaking, have become lamer the last few years. It used to be all the Macintosh smashing 1984 and Mean Joe Greene throwing the kid his jersey. I think they had a horse farting in an ad last year. What happened?
And who in the hell is Kina Grannis? Her song wasn’t bad, but I don’t remember choosing her for anything! That ad made me feel like I live under a rock.
February 5th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Sales Genie anyone?
February 5th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
“In a not-so-distant future, a terrifyingly fit (and loud) black man will rise to power and rule the world.” has no one else realized that “terrifyingly fit (and loud) black man” was ray lewis?
February 5th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Thanks. If I wasnt getting hammered off of Steel Reserve Malt Liquor I wouldve finished the lamest Super Bowl Ads myself. I guess i’ll just finish the ‘10 stupidest things iv’e done while getting hammered on Steel Reserve Malt Liquor’ masterpiece!
February 5th, 2008 at 2:22 am
Mike, wii cant see the flash videos on the we. You old lesbian. You are sooooooo awesome you hot stud you. I was all hot and bothered about reading your article, but now my passion has faded. w00t
Love,
Alexy, Tim, And especially Naomi.
February 5th, 2008 at 12:04 am
Who would create a product called “Under Armor” if it’s not a deodorant?
February 4th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
Ther was far too much gratuitous use of the word ‘bum’ in that song for my liking.
February 4th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
hey that girl with the guitar made that song about digg a little while back… i was waiting for her friends/sisters to jump up behind her and start singing…
February 4th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
That Under Armour commercial was hilarious. I love how Mr. Under Armour says the word future.
“FOOOOO CHURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!”
February 4th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
I can’t tell if you guys are joking or not, but just in case you’re not, Under Armor is essentially glorified, skintight, usually black workout clothes…you know, the kind of things Germans from the ’40s wear, athletics being the testosterone-fueled fascist dystopia that it is.
Also, yeah, the commercials this year sucked balls. The only one I even remotely audibly chuckled at was the Doritos one with the giant mouse, and even that was funny in any “actual” sense.
February 4th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Gladstone is like Courtney Love. He would be nothing without Kurt Cobain. That, and I have heard rumours that he is a crack whore.
February 4th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Under Armour Ad: Steroids meets the Third Reich. Who directed this ad? Hermann Goering?
February 4th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
All the ads this year sucked balls. And that puking baby E*Trade ad made me want to heave a cinderblock through my TV.
February 4th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
I like the superbowl ads. its like the commercial olympics
February 4th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Boy, that Hancock movie looks pretty funny.
February 4th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
You’re missing the beauty of the Toyota commercial. BABY badgers! Nursing! I don’t want a new Corolla, but damn if I don’t want a baby badger of my very own now.
February 4th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
That’s it Wolinsky, I’ve had enough of that crap from you! Prove to me that I can’t fly. Go ahead and prove it, you racist bastard!
February 4th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
At the risk of further incriminating myself, I’d like to be the first to point out that Black people CAN’T fly. Nor can Whites, Asians, or Native Americans. It’s more a matter of human physiology than latent racism.
February 4th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Mmm, gotta love that front page crowd.
February 4th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Wow that sucked. Some weren’t even lame and some that were lame had stupid explanations as to why.
And as a pretty PC black guy I’m still not getting how that first one was racist, I was another “Bad Idea” commercial like the fire one.
You saying it says black people can’t fly speaks more to your psychology than theirs.
February 4th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
That UnderArmour ads freaked me out.
All I could think of was Benito Mussolini.
February 4th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
“Less coin”?! LESS FUCKING COIN?!
fuck off, sir, you have no basis to say these things.
February 4th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Gladstone, you’ll be the first one against the wall when the Under Armour revolution comes.
February 4th, 2008 at 9:35 am
I would just like to say how upset I am that all my contributions were cut from this post. True, my only commericial comment was “At least this stupid commercial didn’t have Kurt Cobain in it” over and over again, but still.
February 4th, 2008 at 9:06 am
If you think it is fun to say badger check out http://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com
February 4th, 2008 at 9:05 am
Flight and the ability to survive being ingested by a jet engine? Where’s the downside? You could have made us into supermen, Bud Light! For regular beer, that’s nothing, but for a light beer?
February 4th, 2008 at 8:57 am
I for one will be taking the day off of work to see how this blog post ends. I’m especially hoping to see Swaim’s fully-formed defense of salesgenie.com’s passionate entry into the collective zeitgeist concerning the plight of Chinese caricature cartoon pandas in society.