Well it was a busy week here at Cracked Headquarters, but it was an even bigger week for Death Industries. We're speaking, of course, of the sad and tragic death of professional chess superstar, Bobby Fischer, for whom you have perhaps searched.
Also, Heath Ledger died this week, and while every respectable TV network (and E! News) keeps repeating Ledger tributes every half hour, and while all of your friends talk about how much they'll miss Bobby Fischer in their stupid away messages, take comfort in the fact that we here at Cracked won't miss a beat. We will continue to provide you with very important content, like our article about stupid toys, and a video Ross found about a guy cooking mushrooms in a horse mask. That's our promise to you.
More importantly, we'll provide you with a chance to win money!
Yes, it's the first-ever Make a Retarded Photoshop and Win Cash With Cracked.com contest.
It works like this:
1. We're going to give you a theme;
2. You will make an amusing photoshop image that conforms to that theme;
3. You will post it in this forum thread;
4. You can submit as many entries as you want;
5. In a week we will pick a winner and run it on the front page of the site, along with the runners-up, thus making you all instantly world famous.
6. The first-place winner will win FIVE THOUSAND pennies, which is $50.
7. The runners-up will win THE SATISFACTION OF KNOWING THEY ALMOST WON and other than that, not a damned thing.
Couldn't be simpler. The theme is:
A Movie Poster of one of NEXT YEAR'S Oscar Nominees... If the Writer's Strike doesn't get resolved.
So what will happen after Hollywood reaches the very bottom of the screenplay barrel? You tell us.
Just click HERE to see the entries we have so far and to post your own.
We received a letter sometime early last week from a former Cracked reader "JohnnyTwoThumbs" that had this to say: "Dear Cracked- I used to love visiting your site. I did it every single day and found myself occasionally laughing at your insightful, (though highly debatable), lists of things, but now I've got a problem. Ever since I started reading the Official Cracked Blog, attractive women everywhere won't stop having sex with me. Literally, they will not stop. I had to cancel so many meetings and dentist appointments because they're just so relentless. It's like, the second I started reading this hilarious blog, a pack of insanely super hot cheerleaders broke into my house and starting sexing all over the place. With me, with each other. It was nice at first. For about the first solid six months, I'll say, it was really enjoyable. Now, however, I find myself having too much fantastic sex with women that are just too gorgeous, flexible and sexually adventurous. Frankly, it's impossible to get anything done. I haven't eaten in weeks."
The lack of sense behind taking his brief window of sexless freedom to write a letter to us instead of eating notwithstanding, he does bring up an interesting idea. Now, we're not saying that if you read the Cracked Blog a bunch of attractive women will have sex with you, but... well, JohnnyTwoThumbs sure as hell is.
Anyway, Ross Wolinksky has finally done it. Through his exhaustive research, he found the greatest video on the entire internet.
Meanwhile, by supporting Wesley Snipes, Mike Swaim tries to pretend he isn't a violent racist, though no one's really fooled, and Gladstone has the inside scoop on why we haven't seen Sarah Michelle "Buffy" Gellar Prinze Jr. in any movies, (other than her obvious lack of talent).
THE PORN IDENTITY!
The 15 Most Sexually Unappealing Porn Titles
We went through some serious research to come up with the worst 15 porn titles we could find. That's right folks, we locked ourselves in the media library at Cracked Headquarters and watched video after video for literally weeks. Not every website will do that just for you, the reader, but we totally will. Will do it again, in fact, as early as right this second. Remember who loves you.
Notable Comment: Octane says "Uhh I still see a vagina in blowing up asses picture." You know, if we had a hidden vagina in every article, we'd have a pretty cool treasure-hunting game on our hands. Or a lawsuit. Whatever. Can YOU Spot the Vagina in our article about action figures?
MORE LIKE SUCK NORRIS!
5 Movie Martial Artists That Lost a Deathmatch to Dignity
If maintaining your dignity as a martial-artist-turned-action-star was as simple as your neighborhood bloodsporting event, some of these guys might have actually had a chance.
Notable Comment: Kirk2000 says "Actually listen to Mojo Priest some time. The saddest thing about the album is that it actually has some merit as a blues album." First of all, no. No we most certainly will not listen to Mojo Goddamn Priest some time. Second of all, you clearly weren't paying attention. The saddest thing about this album is that Steven Seagal sings and plays guitar on it.
STOP BEING A DOUCHEBAG!
5 Douchebag Behaviors Explained by Science
We've finally figured out what makes these douchebags act like douchebags. Now if only we could find a cure...
Notable Comment: JJcram says "I know a guy that has number 3, how do I tell him that he's a drunkin douche bag?" Sadly, there is nothing you can do. As of this writing, there is no cure for Douchebag. You're just going to have to accept the fact that you're friend is a drunken douchebag, move on, and make new friends. But not David Hasselhoff. That's definitely a step in the wrong direction.
MORE LIKE SUCK ARMSTRONG!
The 5 Most Ill-Conceived Action Figures
Crash dummies, military food and masters of the universe with questionable sexual appetites.
Man, growing up really sucked.
Notable Comment: Vitaminmax wonders "Remember when Fisto and Stinkum got into it?? man.......that was wierd." Well no, no we didn't remember that, Vitaminmax, but now it's all we can friggin' think about. Thanks a lot.
FOREIGNERS ARE CRAZY!
Fun Size Countries: The Insane Histories of the World's 6 Tiniest Nations
Aw, look out Freetown Christiania. She thinks she's a real country, doesn't she? Yes she does.
Seriously though if the UN had a kid's table, Freetown would be right at the head.
Notable Comment: Kingmonkey, (warning: may not actually be a king, but still possibly a monkey), says "Hey, how about we band together and become the Independant Principalties of Cracked? We can each be provinces (or "states") in an pan-continental nation! Wow, this could be cool. Except that would make the editors here some kind of government." Not just "some kind," your highness, the kind that hangs people for treason, (wherein treason is dictated as anything published that doesn't directly praise Cracked's Editorial staff for its sharp wit and strong sexual prowess). Step on up.
The News on Cracked
Looking for the most important news on the internet? Look no further. This week, even though being remembered only for being a chess player is punishment enough for any man, Lex Friedman makes fun of poor, dead Bobby Fischer. Deciding he wouldn't be getting to Hell quite fast enough, Lex throws in a joke or two about the late Heath Ledger less than 24 hours after his death, and, as always, we've got the week in douchebaggery. Who ever said the news needed to be politically correct? Or tasteful? Or relevant?
"Fish kebabs? Fuckin' weirdos."
Superman has the reflection of an old woman
They always liked to play loud, but this was the first time an audience member actually exploded.
Going to church is fun again.
"Hey kid, I'm not from here. I'm looking for two of my Panda friends, one is wearing a red corset, and the other is wearing, uh, a 'harness.' You seen 'em?"
Editor's pick (tie):
The magic crystal ball reveals the next extinction will be...
"Nope. Says right here...the hallucinations wont stop unless you go off your meds."
Editor's pick (tie):
"My head is up HERE, Gary."
"I now pronounce you golden man and four tiny wives. "
S/M/DOM looking for submissive. Must like crowds. Must be endangered. No fatties.
"Hey, It's a living!"
Sure, a lot of the captions will focus on the clearly homosexual WOMAN, but if you'd take a moment to look closely, the MAN's lips are suspiciously full in color. Also the monkey thing.
Somewhere there is a pissed off giant who can't get his shirt to button correctly.
"Now that I've added this extra sensor to the array, we'll have a much better chance of understanding why you've been dreaming about robots boring into your skull ever since you joined this sleep study."
Editor's pick (and second in the voting):
First generation blue tooth.