"OK, that thing in the woods--maybe it's a monster, maybe it's a pissed-off giraffe. I don't know! The fact that no one is even looking for us, yeah, that's weird, but I just go along with it because I'm along for the ride! Good old fun-time Hurley! Well, guess what? Now I want some friggin' answers!"
Hurley was speaking for a whole bunch of Lost fans when he said that, and thanks to a strike-shortened Season Four (only eight episodes in the can) we're wondering just how many answers we're going to get. Unfortunately, we're pretty sure not even the writers have answers to the mysteries we want solved most ... or at least not good ones.
5What's the deal with Walt?
Amid the ragtag team of survivors, somewhere between the quasi-superhero doctor and the background-dwelling Scott (or is it Steve?) on the screen time ladder, there used to be a small black kid named Walt. Several episodes early on hinted at mental powers allowing for everything from weather control to the ability to attract wild, often dangerous, animals with the power of his thoughts.
Later he returned in a vision, to provide the survivors of Flight 815 with important information through the somewhat dickish use of backwards talking.
At one time Walt seemed to be key to the fate of the survivors. Unfortunately for the show's producers, while time on the island moved at the leisurely pace of a month-or-two every season, the actor portraying Walt, Malcolm David Kelley, had this annoying tendency to age a full year with every calendar year that passed.
Walt in Season One, Season Two, and an artist's rendering of his projected appearance in Season Six.
The answer was to write Walt and his father, Michael, out of the show, which came to fruition when they boated into the wild blue yonder at the end of Season Two, leaving behind a whole pile of unanswered questions.
In what is widely regarded as the most retarded of the fan theories, it has been speculated that Walt and Aaron, the recently born child of Claire, are both magical children and will prove to be the countering "dark" and "light" forces of the island. At first blush, the theory hangs together perfectly, especially since the black/white contrast has been prevalent throughout the show's run. However, we have since found a snag in this theory: through some diligent research, we have come to discover that not all black people are evil by default.
Also, Aaron's just a baby, and while pre-teens may not be the toughest sons-of-bitches in the world, if this struggle comes to pass, we're laying heavy money on Walt simply punting Aaron into submission.
Others think Walt can merely astral project himself (meaning he can have out-of-body experiences at will) as part of his magical superpowers. Though this does little to explain why his voice is a full octave lower with each appearance.
We're sorry, but if you were hoping for a non-magical answer to this one, you're probably out of luck. If you were looking for all your answers to come from sound science, try some other show, like CSI. OK, bad example.
Will They Tell Us?
You'd better hope so, because Michael (played by Harold Perrineau) will be back for Season 4, and if Walt doesn't come with him, we can all look forward to another season of Michael looking disheveled and shouting "Walt!" several hundred times.
Of course, Walt returning doesn't in any way guarantee he'll bring answers with him. Don't be surprised if the writers spend all their time trying to explain why the supposed 10-year-old grows a fuller beard than Jack.
4What's the deal with those first survivors who were kidnapped, and what do the Others want with them?
In the survivors' first days on the island, the evil natives (the "Others") infiltrated the group and formed a list of people to be kidnapped and dragged off into the wilderness for reasons which, we could only assume, were terrible and vile.
Later the survivors got a glimpse of some of the hostages being walked through the jungle, catching the feet of some of the children dangling a battered teddy bear (above).
Maybe we're just partial to all things list-related here at Cracked, but we really wanted to know what it was that earned those "lucky" few a spot on the kidnap list, and what the Others have been doing with them the past month-and-a-half. The producers seem profoundly less interested.
Well, we know that some of the kidnapped have turned up with the Others, clean, unharmed and willingly cooperating with the bad guys. We know that for the show to make any damned sense at all, the kidnapped survivors have to have been brainwashed somehow, which almost guarantees that this is not going to be the actual explanation.
You may recall that when the show's hero, Jack, was being held in a cage by the Others, one of the kidnapped (Cindy the flight attendant), showed up outside the bars and managed to speak to Jack without revealing a blessed thing about where they've been kept or what the Others had done with them. This is mainly due to the show's usual technique of having characters in the middle of a profound mystery suddenly confront someone with all the answers, and then not bother to ask them a single relevant question.
This led to the ridiculous exchange where Jack screamed at Cindy to go away, and Cindy stared back in utter confusion at his reaction. So apparently the brainwashing eliminated the part of the brain that understands that people react badly to being locked in a freaking jungle cage.Anyway, as Cindy turns away we see the children that were glimpsed in the jungle earlier. To make sure we get it, they zoom in on the teddy bear.
Notice the bear looks as good as new (the leg isn't taped up any more). What the hell?
Will They Tell Us?
It appears that Lost mysteries come in three flavors:
Mysteries that are never solved.
Mysteries that are solved and sort of make sense.
Mysteries that are solved and the solution is retarded.
We're going to speculate that this one will be number 3. The early glimpse of the Others and their hostages appears to have come at a time when the writers hadn't quite worked through what the "Others" were yet. Both the teddy bear in the jungle and Cindy's inexplicable reaction to seeing Jack in the cage have the feel of scenes that were included specifically to be baffling, purely to distract us from the fact that they hadn't really explained the last baffling thing.