5 Movie Martial Artists That Lost a Deathmatch to Dignity
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#2.
Michael Dudikoff
Michael Dudikoff starred in a series called American Ninja - movies which were single-handedly responsible for the ninja becoming a staple fantasy for children of the '80s. That's actually saying quite a bit, because if there's one thing the '80s were about, it was coke. But if there were two things the '80s were about, it was coke and ninjas. Like David Carradine, Dudikoff did not practice martial arts while starting his career, but became proficient in them later--most likely to help defend himself against the army of liquored-up moviegoers who wanted bragging rights on the American Ninja. Yes, Dudikoff tanked when he tried to move out from the ninja typecasting but really, the man's job description was 'pretending to kill lots of ninjas,' a statement which, to this day, is the number one response when the question "What do you want to do when you grow up?" is posed to preteen boys and Cracked writers (We know, you thought Cracked writers were preteen boys. The two are actually distinguishable due to the difference between acne scars and actual acne). In this trailer for American Ninja (which was originally and ruinously called American Warrior) Dudikoff covers every base for the modern badass. He's got no past, no date of birth and no mercy. Shit, does anybody know how you get a job writing these trailers? That is gold right there. He flips through trees, impales a truck driver with a grappling hook, draws a sword in front of a giant American flag, and though it's not explicitly shown, the implication is that he's about to take down a helicopter with nothing but a bow and arrow. If you look up the term Ass Kicker in the dictionary, there will be a picture of nothing--because it's a fucking dictionary, they don't have pictures--but we swear to God the page smells a little bit like Michael Dudikoff. The Sad Decline:
After the fourth installment and roughly eight film hours of robin's egg blue and peony pink ninjas folding in fights so quickly they could find alternate employment at The Gap, the series finally ran out of steam and Michael Dudikoff's star was irreparably tarnished. Amazingly, Hollywood could find no further use for a man whose skill-set included strangling Asians with the American flag, and so as the '80s drew to a close, the post-coital shame dawned on America, and we realized just how embarrassingly ridiculous these movies appeared to the world. Most Pathetic Moment Caught on Film:This video was taken at the grand opening of the Gracie Academy. As you can see, somehow Dudikoff got it in his head that it'd be a good idea to emulate Matthew McConaughey's pot-head, frat-bro, burn-out chic. He appears here in an unwashed Abercrombie & Fitch shirt, natural coagulated hair-grease, and last week's stagnant tan-booth sweat. He then proceeds to insanely call out Royce Gracie, three-time winner of the Ultimate Fighting Championship. Even if this challenge by Dudikoff is a joke between friends it's unfortunate since Gracie's laughter is a Figure Four Toelock and his smile is six-time International Facial Gesture Champion--with 16 of its 72 wins, inexplicably, by choke-out. |
American Ninja was about Private Joe Armstrong, an orphaned drifter coerced into the armed forces who takes on an evil cabal of mercenary ninjas. In later sequels, as the movies grow more and more ridiculous, the villains take the not often seen Skittles approach to evil, asking you to "Taste the Rainbow... of Ninjitsu!" They do this by arranging their mercenaries in handy battalions color-coded by competence, black, confusingly, being the most inept, with the danger level rapidly rising as the colors become more festive.
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Out of context, that Steven Seagal clip kind of makes him seem like an a*****e.
The rank of 8th degree black belt doesn't just sound badass. You have to be badass to possess the title. I know one, an eighty-something (he, for some weird reason, claimed to be eighty-five for three years straight, then said he was eighty-two. He's kind of weird) year old man who lives in Michigan. He was the instructor of my Tae Kwon Do instructor. It was a moderately famous news story in the area when a burglar broke into his house and attacked him with a knife when he told him to leave. The man broke his wrist and threw him out the window, then called the police, only sustaining a single cut to the thigh. He was in his late seventies at the time (or so he said at that point in time). Strange personality, but he's a complete badass.
Kwai Chang Caine was supposed to be the first white man allowed into the monastery.
According to an interview I watched during my recent David Carradine marathon, the stuff about him being cast in Kung Fu due to racism is mostly rumour. He did concede that he got most of his inspiration from Spock, however.
R.I.P. David Carradine.
The lyrics of the song Van Damme dances is something like "Motorcycle dance, motorcycle dance! Big butted females loose control!"
Sometimes, just sometimes, I'm ashamed of my country's culture...
Not more ashamed than Belgians must be.
To be fair to Chuck Norris, in that clip he doesn't drive the bear off by the power of his retirement-age muscles but instead by the power of his over-inflated ego. Even Chuck knows a human being outwrestling a grizzly bear would be farking ridiculous.
I once jumped in front of David Caradine at a convention, gave him a karate pose & yelled, "HAIIII!" & he just walked by me. p***y. True story.
Oh what-the-f**k-ever. Chuck Norris pwned that f*****g bear.
Shame on you, Cracked. Shame on you for doubting Norris. I emailed him a link to this. Watch your asses.
Van Damme is back now with JCVD.
@TheEnemyBelow
What you didn't read that part in the bible? I certainly did?
Poor Chuck!!Ya Know,He Kicked Ass and Took Names In The 80's and Early 90's With Movies Like"Invasion USA"and His Hit TV Show"Walker Texas Ranger"!!
Now He's Shilling In Infomercials For The Bowflex Home Gym,Which Like 99%of Most Home Exercise Equipment Ends Up in a Corner Gathering Dust or Gets Sold For$20.00 at Your Annual Yard Sale or Gets Donated To Either Goodwill or Your Church Thrift Store!!
That's When He's Not Appearing On TBN/PTL/PTM/PTP**(**Pay the Money/Pay the Preachers)Networks Talking About Why We Need Prayer Back In School!!
This From a Man Who Made His Name KIcking The Crap Out Of Folks On TV and In The Movies!!
Yes,Jesus Could Go Chuck Norris on Occassion-ie:Chasing The Moneychangers Out of The Temple For Example!!
But I Never Read Anywhere in The Scriptures How Christ Went Around Roundhouse Kicking Everybody!!
At 1:07 in the second Van Damme video you can see the woman look down like "What the f**k is that?"
your fans all over the world will miss you. Rest in peace! I just find you on the celeb and millionaire dating site****** W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ********** and he have a chat with you there. &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Having actually met David Carradine, he is #1 for assholery. He is a grade A, victim of his own ego f*****t.
Russell Brand's crude remarks to Fawlty Towers Star on BBC Radio
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ed1b4baf7494d10ab9c9
Who's Nailin Paylin? porn... Find out on
www.TOKILLFOR.com
Also vandamme was even more pathetic here in belgium where you could find videos of him talking about his philosophy in life (basically it's coke-headed bullshit about god, whales and the ocean) he's pretty famous for this here, for being a total moron and being incredibly stupid.
about the vandamme part, HOW THE HELL do you even compare BELGIUM (brussels is the capital city you f*cking ignorant piece of s**t) to those gay french, F*CK YOU !
"a f**k you mullet" beautiful.
i for one would LOVE to see a part 2 article, although nothing compares to segal, there are surely another 5 action heros that should be on this list...
In the Van Damme video I like how no hit or kick makes any contact, yet makes a sound.
It's very zenlike.
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Poor David Carradine Died From Asphyhxiation While Chokin'His Chicken In a Bangkok Hotel Room!!!
Bsically,Auto Erotic Asphyxiation Is Usually Practiced By Teen Aged Boys,
Not 60 Something Washed Up Action Stars!!!
Chuck Norris Wouldn't Die From Auto Erotic Asphyixiantion!!
No,When Chuck Norris Chokes His Chicken,He Chokes A Real Chicken!!!
"Damn You Stink Man!!".