Whenever America comes up with brilliant new inventions (America being the only country with the resources to invent anything, or so Conservapedia told us) foreigners steal it and add in goofy cultural idiosyncrasies.
Nothing demonstrates this more starkly than what they've done to our game shows, taking wholesome, innocent entertainment and turning it into shows like ...
6El Gran Juego de la Oca (Great Game of the Grey Goose)
Country of Origin:
How to Play:
No, this is not an elaborate drinking game based on French vodka. Rather, it is an elaborate board game based on geese. Yes, someone in Spain decided to create an entire game show around geese, natures most terrifying animal ... what with the hissing, and the biting, and the shitting, and the feathers flying, and our mothers screaming, and the sirens ... we would rather they go with the vodka.
The idea seems simple and harmless enough. A contestant earns money by rolling virtual dice and progressing along a giant, twisting 63-square board game while being cheered on by the host, studio audience and "chicas ocas" (goose girls, who are all in varying stages of undress, naturally). When the contestant lands on a square, he or she either wins a cash prize or has to complete a "stunt." Finally, the contestant who gets to the end of the board is given a reoca (final stunt) that they must complete within a week to win a new car. Easy enough, eh?
Why It's Insane:
Unfortunately the "stunts" involve pain, humiliation and being kissed by fat, messy Italian stereotypes. Even worse, it sometimes involves getting your feet licked by a goat.
What is it with Spaniards and incorporating farm animals into their game shows?
Here's a fun sample of a few of the squares one can land on:
Space No. 8: The "stunt" here must be completed in the mud. Usually this involves finding a key or some such object. Meanwhile a female mud wrestler is "inhibiting" the progress of the player. Inhibiting is a nice way of saying "hurling about and generally emasculating."
Space No. 47: The player is locked inside an acrylic glass prison filled only with sand and boa constrictors. His goal? Find the key in the sand, get out and not die of snake-related asphyxiation.
Space No. 57: Here, the contestant is asked questions by a sexy woman in a nurse outfit. He must answer questions right or have his leg hair waxed off. Also, he must keep his heart rate down to a minimum, a theme later turned into an American talk show where John McEnroe screamed at people for 30 minutes. Oh yeah, did we mention the nurse is stripteasing the whole time? Because she is, and she's nude, very nude.
Theoretically one could win 800,000 pesetas and a car, assuming the player doesn't die of crushing, burning or snake-related injuries. Or, that they didn't lose it all during the "Cruel Roulette" round, where the contestant is attached to a giant roulette wheel and spun around, and whatever percentage value their head lands at is the percentage of their winnings they lose. Need even more reason not to appear on the show? 800,000 pesetas is only equal to roughly $6,000, an amount we're pretty sure an actual goose could win on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.