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The 5 Current Genetic Experiments Most Likely to Destroy Humanity

#3.
Cow-People

Good lord, what is it?
Researchers in the Netherlands (Germany's Canada) seem to have no moral qualms or pesky hang-ups about human-animal hybrids, and as such have already successfully spliced together bovine and human genes. The result is a new animal comprised almost entirely of peaceful, harmless cow with just a horrifying smidge of man thrown in for good measure.

Pharming Group, the biotech lab responsible for the new animals, is currently in talks with the FDA seeking approval for agricultural use in the United States. If granted, they hope to have their products on your dinner tables and gnawing gently away at your conscience within the next few years.

For the love of god, why are they doing this?
The cows have been combined with a human gene largely responsible for the production of Lactoferrin, a protein that has been found to fight various infections. Lactoferrin is most commonly seen in human bodily fluids, such as breast milk, lung secretions, or somewhat more disconcertingly, human tears. Pharming is negotiating mostly for food usages, specifically looking toward sports drinks, snack bars, popsicles and yogurt. Finally emo kids the world over will be able to get their Venti double lattes pre-cried-into.

What's going to happen to us?
Cows aren't exactly notorious for their deadly rampages, so it's not terribly likely that humanity will be under direct, physical attack by vicious herds of Cow-People. The implications, however, are not entirely harmless. Even assuming that, upon approval, not all cattle will be converted to hybrids, the subtle knowledge that there is even a remote chance your burger was .01 percent Some Dude will be more than many can bear.

Many consumers were scared off of canned tuna in the late 1990s, laboring under the common misconception that non-dolphin-safe tuna contained trace amounts of dolphin. Odds are if you're avoiding fish on the off chance it might be part Flipper, you're going to avoid steak on the off chance it might have at one time had .01 percent of a human soul. This newfound disgust with meat could lead to a swelling in the ranks of vegetarians, or even, god help us, vegans. A sinister development which, if left unchecked, could turn entire future generations into uncontrollable pussies sobbing into their hemp pillows every time a butterfly scrapes its knee.

Luckily, there is a standing debate on banning 'human-animal hybrids' for consumption, thanks to President (and make-believe cowboy) George W. Bush. The president took a daring stand against genetic engineering in his 2006 State of the Union address. Of course, this probably had more to do with his belief that human-hybrid animals included mermaids.

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