The 5 Current Genetic Experiments Most Likely to Destroy Humanity

#4. Jellyfish-Monkeys

Good lord, what is it?
When your children ask you how the Jellyfish Apes came to be your masters, you can put on your best wizened old-man voice and tell them "it all began in the year 2000," which, in addition to being true, will also lend your tale a nice, distinct science fiction sound. Yes, it all began at the Oregon Regional Primate Research Center in November of the year 2000. Scientists modified a harmless virus with jellyfish genes and introduced it into the embryos of Rhesus monkeys, which sure beat the old-fashioned way of making a Jellyfish Monkey--furiously masturbating a jellyfish directly over a spread eagle monkey.

For the love of god, why are they doing this?
The researchers hoped to make the monkey glow. Seriously, that's it. The researchers justify continuation of these experiments with a lot of fancy talk about tracking the genetic markers and learning how to create stable, transgenic monkeys for future experiments. But, in the end we all know that, like us, they really only wanted to throw decadent and hilarious monkey raves.

The researchers, who we assume are the esteemed Professors Cheech and Chong, were operating under the somewhat controversial thesis that "if ... if monkeys like, glowed, man? That'd be fuckin' crazy!"

So far, though, all of these experiments have only resulted in one actual monkey with glowing hair and fingernails which was, sadly, stillborn. Researchers chalked this up mostly to the excess of fluorescent protein produced by the dead monkey, and only a little bit to the great and furious anger of an Old Testament God hurling ominous omens at them like the dodge balls they were also bad at avoiding in middle school.

What's going to happen to us?
To give the researchers credit, a glowing monkey would be almost twice as hilarious as a normal monkey, but unfortunately the first experiment failed and the first surviving monkey does not actually glow. Perhaps more unfortunately, he is also now part jellyfish, an animal as notorious for its gelatinous skeleton as it is for its painful, sometimes lethal stings.

Combine this with the highly intelligent nature of the typical primate, its superhuman strength and agility and complete lack of higher human emotions such as guilt, pity or regret and you've got a remorseless screeching, shit-flinging, venom-tentacled, unearthly monsters with no bones to break. Oh, and thanks to inept scientists, it won't even glow in the dark so that you might see them coming for you through the fucking trees.

Isn't there something familiar about the combination of monkeys and jellyfish? We don't mean to fear-monger, here, but the image of a primal, yet vaguely human form prone to translucence and glowing and outfitted with wet, flailing tentacles just sounds too familiar to us.

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