#5. Getting the Point
Bond is having his final showdown with bad guy Vargas on board Vargas' luxury yacht, which is named the "Disco Volante." And, why not? Anyway, Vargas gains the upper hand and is about to shoot Bond when love interest Domino arrives and shoots Vargas in the back with a spear gun.
Bond says, "I think he got the point."
Vargas probably did get the point; the point you were trying to make is that he should die via spear to the spinal column. He totally understands that, now. But, spears are pointy too ... wait, that statement has a double meaning! Bond, you manslaughtering fool, you! What will you think of next?
Groan Factor: 8
#4. Boner Reference No. 3
Film: A View to a Kill
Bond is investigating bad guy Max Zorin's horse racing racket when he meets Jenny Flex, horse trainer-type.
James Bond says, "Well my dear, I take it you spend quite a lot of time in the saddle."
Jenny Flex replies, "Yes, I love an early morning ride."
James Bond then responds, "Well, I'm an early riser myself."
As you see from the clip (the exchange is near the beginning), we have sexual innuendo delivered as if they're talking about the geological features of Nebraska.
We've come a long way as a society from Bogart and Bacall sultrily exchanging innuendo over cigarettes to Roger Moore and Allison Doody discussing sex as if it was as exciting as a variable interest-bearing mutual fund. Bond is so bored by the idea of sex at this point that the obligatory pun is a chore for him. "Yeah," he'll say, yawning and glancing at his watch, "I get boners a lot."
Groan Factor: 8[subtitle]#3. Boner Reference No. 4[/subtitle]
Film: Diamonds are Forever
Bond and Plenty O'Toole ("Named after your father, perhaps?" remarks Bond) are making out when Plenty almost completely undresses and walks into the bedroom. Bond picks up her dress and turns around to find some henchmen are pointing guns at him.
James Bond says, "Well, I'm afraid you've caught me with more than my hands up."
Too much information, especially coming from a Sean Connery who, no matter what women thought of him in the '60s, probably looked like a cross between a leprechaun and Chewbacca when naked.
Groan Factor: 9
#2. The Horrible Pun Marathon
Film: The Spy Who Loved Me
Maybe, we should call this one The Spy Who Made Constant Double Entendres For the Entire Movie, So Much So That No One Can Remember The Plot and Just Thinks It Was a Movie About Double Entendres. There are so many double entendres in The Spy Who Loved Me it's impossible to just single one out.
Bond (in a romantic mood)says, "When one is in Egypt, one should delve deeply into its treasures."
In another scene, M asks where Bond is. Moneypenny replies, "He's on a mission sir. In Austria."
M responds, "Well, tell him to pull out. Immediately!" (Cut to Bond having sex with a woman).
Elsewhere, Maj. Anya Amasova asks, "What happened to Kalba? (He was killed by being severely bitten by metal teeth--don't ask.)"
Bond answers, "He was cut off--permanently."
Also when referring to Jaws (the henchman with metal teeth), Bond says, "He just dropped in for a quick bite." Then later, when Bond has Jaws restrained with a large magnet, says, "How does that grab you?"
And finally, when Bond is discovered having sex with rogue agent Anya and Sir Frederick Gray asks, "Bond! What do you think you're doing?"
Bond replies, "Keeping the British end up, sir."
Wow. It's like the last four hours of The Matrix Revolutions, where the squid robots come pouring through the tunnel into Zion and a guy just stands there screaming and shooting them for about 73 solid minutes of screen time: the double entendres just keep coming.
Groan Factor (cumulative): 9.5
#1. Cunning Linguist
Film: Tomorrow Never Dies
Bond is bragging to Moneypenny about bagging his Scandinavian language tutor.
Bond says, "I always enjoyed learning a new tongue."
Moneypenny replies, "You always were a cunning linguist, James."
Wait ... is she suggesting James Bond went down on her at some point in the past? That's a perfectly natural act between two consenting adults, we suppose. And, maybe it's our problem that the frat-boy innuendo seems par for the course for a man but cringe-worthy when coming from the mouth of a woman who looks like a matronly Reba McIntire.
We admit it. We're not ready for middle-aged woman innuendo, mostly because it brings up dark memories of dad walking into the kitchen and saying, "I've got the new fridge. I'll pull around and bring it in that way."
Mom then says, "You always did like putting it in the back door."
Then they'd give each other that hungry, knowing look. We'd stare at them over our cereal, not quite sure what was going on, but feeling the chill of something horrible having passed unseen through their conversation.
Thanks for the mental image, Mr. Bond.
Groan Factor: 10
If you liked this article, check out our rundown of The 5 Worst Lines of Dialogue (From Movies That Don't Actually Suck) .