The 15 Most Cringe-Worthy James Bond Puns

#10. Boner Reference No. 2

Film: Goldeneye

Bond has just been playing cards with Xenia Onatopp, who is assumably the final draft of a character that was originally named "Xanadu Missionary Position", when they decide to talk about Bond's favorite subject: his boners.

Bond says, "It appears we share the same passions. Three anyway."

Onatopp replies, "I count two. Motoring and Baccarat."

Card Dealer interjects, "Huit pour la banque. Seven; Madame wins."

Onatopp says, "I hope the third is where your real talent lies."

Bond says, "One rises to meet a challenge."

It's such a labored set up, that it seems hardly worth the trouble. If you have to include a corny double entendre in your movie (and you don't) you should never interrupt it with other dialogue. The audience tends to forget what everyone's talking about, so that when this line comes around your friends will have to lean over to you and ask, "wait, are they still talking about boners?"

Yes. Yes, they are.

Groan Factor: 6

#9. The Boot

Film: The Living Daylights

Bond is suspended on a large cargo net hanging out the back of an extremely large plane flying over the Afghanistan desert. Bad guy Necros is there, too, punching Bond as their net flops around. Necros makes the fatal error of grabbing onto Bond's boot with both hands, and Bond cuts the laces, sending Necros to his rather silly death, as he continues to hold onto the boot as he plummets. Did it slow his descent? We hope so.

Then ...

Kara Milovy (who is piloting the plane)says, "What happened?"

James Bond answers, "He got the boot."

This is another one of Bond's strained uses of a phrase no one really uses anymore, such as "he bought the farm" or "go over like a lead balloon." In this instance, getting the boot is similar to being voted off one's favorite reality show--if on the reality show losers were discarded from the cast via being dropped out of a plane with nothing but effeminate British military footwear.

But, mostly this is painful because up to this point in the movie Timothy Dalton was really an excellent Bond--serious, focused--a fresh back-to-basics for the character. Probably some studio exec saw a rough cut of the film and said, "add boner jokes!" This line was the compromise.

Groan Factor: 6.5

#8. Head for Heights

Film: For Your Eyes Only

Bad guy Locque, who looks like a cross between Peter Fonda and The Incredible Mr. Limpet, is stuck in his car teetering on the top of a precipitous cliff.

Bond kicks the car's tire and it falls off the cliff with Locque still inside, after which Bond remarks pretty much to no one, "He had no head for heights."

Wait, is that even a saying? "He had no head for heights?" Again, we have to assume that's an old person saying that's been out of use since the 1940s or so, because we've never heard it outside of For Your Eyes Only. It's a bit abstract, kind of like saying, "he had no genitals for water skiing" after castrating a bad guy while motorboating.

This would also make more sense if Bond had somehow decapitated the bad guy at a great height, but he didn't. Given the body count of anonymous henchmen in Bond films, it seems like a waste to use up that line in a situation that didn't really apply. He should have waited until he was fighting with someone on top of a helicopter.

Groan Factor: 7

#7. Attempting Re-entry

Film: Moonraker

Bond has just defeated the bad guy and thwarted his evil plan to start a new race of super humans on a space station. The American and British authorities make visual contact with Bond in an attempt to congratulate him on his success, but instead find Bond and Dr. Holly Goodhead (sigh) going at it like zero-g minks under a space blanket. The Minister of Defense and Q have this exchange:

The Minister of Defence says, "My God, what's Bond doing?"

Q responds, "I think he's attempting re-entry, sir."

This one isn't spoken by Bond, which is nice for a change, and actually it's kind of funny in a guilty Billy Madison sort of way. Obviously re-entry refers to entering Earth's atmosphere from space, but we can all see what clever thing Q did with that there. When taken literally this is actually one of the more graphic Bond double entendres. And because it's spoken by wrinkly Q, one should probably just try not to think about it at all.

Groan Factor: 7

#6. Shark Disagreement

Film: License to Kill

Bond's friend Felix Leiter just got married, but on Leiter's wedding night, he and his wife get kidnapped by bad guy Sanchez. Leiter gets fed to a shark, who eats part of his legs. Bond discovers Leiter's maimed body in a room. Attached to the body is a note that reads:

"He disagreed with something that ate him."

The idea was to let the audience know that in Sanchez, Bond has finally met his match, double entendre-wise. But changing it from "something he ate" to "something that ate him," ruins the meaning because how would you agree with something that ate you?

To make this work, you'd almost need Leiter to have run into, say, a genetically modified baboon trained in the art of debate. Leiter challenges him on several points, and the baboon flies into a rage and eats him. Thus, "He disagreed with something that ate him." See, there's a pun the whole audience can enjoy.

Now that we think of it, "disagreed with something he ate" would have been perfect for the one earlier where Bond killed the guy by shoving the air capsule in his mouth. That guy did disagree with something he ate. Really, how hard is this?

Groan Factor: 7.5

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