You might think that we at CRACKED, like most people, love the holiday season, but you’d be wrong. See, it happens every year; it gets close to New Year's and suddenly every Tom, Dick and Douchebag is making year-end "Best of" lists. The Internet market is flooded right now with stupid, pointless countdowns of stupid pointless things that happened over the last 12 months and we couldn't be more outraged. Taking completely meaningless people or events and arranging them in a handy list--that's our turf. We were doing lists before it was cool, we're still doing it now that it is cool, and we'll be doing it for the rest of time, long after it isn’t cool anymore.
Back off, assholes. Go back to writing lengthy manifestos about the government or fashion or pimping, or whatever the hell passes for responsible blogging these days, and leave the irrelevant list-making to the experts.to whales and disguises it as responsible blogging. Cracked Editor Jack O’Brien takes a break from not blogging to blog about Cracked's sexy relationship to the iPhone. And, Gladstone just wanted to get one more post involving Starpulse up before thenew year.
Posts of Christmas Past
We listened, folks. We listened long and hard to your complaints about how we never have original content on the weekends. Speaking of listening, if you listen closely, you can hear us not giving a crap. Do you hear it? We bet it sounds a whole lot like this article.
Notable Comment: God Almighty says, "Thanks Cracked Staff!!! I will bless this website over all others. Now herald in the ritual coming of my Son! late, God." Thanks, God. We read some of your stuff, too. Not bad. Could have used more lists and less lepers, but nobody's perfect.
The 5 Least Surprising Toy Recalls of All Time
Dangerously sharp throwing-darts, working ovens and face-eating Cabbage Patch monsters: It's almost like the toy companies of yesterday were trying to kill off all the children ...
Notable Comment: Over and over again, all we read on the comments section was "Americans are stupid--we still have Kinder Eggs in the U.K.," and "They didn't recall eggs in the U.K. because our children are smart enough not to eat plastic." You're right. Maybe we, as Americans, didn't teach our children to avoid eating chocolate-coated plastic. That lesson, clearly, went untaught. It must have slipped our minds while we were busy beating your stupid asses in the Revolutionary War! Booya!
STUPID VIDEOS! (Yours)
Turn Your Retarded Videos Into Cash With Cracked.com
If you've got a voice and a camera, you're more than halfway on your way to joining the Cracked payroll. Honestly. That's really all it takes. Seriously, just watch any of the videos we've posted. We're not looking for any Oscars, here, people.
Notable Comment: Jesus Cross-Shitting Christ, what is the matter with you people? It was Christmas fucking Day, and we posted an article giving our readers the chance to make real money. And, the comments section exploded into an angry, pointless fight that, for some reason, was about the merits of finding comedy in pictures of the mentally challenged. Our notable comment for this article comes from bondfiction25, the only commenter who didn't post anything hateful. Bond said, "... so, who else loves kittens? And babies?" We do, Bond. We love them, and we love you.
THE FUTURE IS LATE!
2001 to Timecop: 8 Movie Futures Already Proven Wrong
Years ago, when we first saw Death Race 2000, death racing was literally all we thought and talked about. "It's the future? And there's death racing?!" Really, what more could anyone ask for? Imagine our disappointment when 2000 rolled around and, instead of death racing, nothing fucking happened. Movies like DR2K and the rest of the gems on this list really make us want to travel back in time to make a realistic movie about the future: No flying cars, no death racing of any kind, no RoboCops, just global warming and this stupid fucking Internet. We would travel back in time to warn people about the future but, that's right, we don't have time travel. Fuck you, Timecop.
Ill wonders "what about 'the demolition man' in which the
best restaurant to eat at is a taco bell?" What's wrong about that prediction? Taco Bell is a fine dining establishment; we take all of our dates there. What are you trying to say?
2007: Seven Things We Should Pretend Never Happened
We remind you of everything you should probably just forget.
Notable Comment: More Gooder says, "Most of Cracked is actually pretty funny, including this article. Yet, at the end of almost every single fucking piece here is a string of fat-assed, snotty-fingered school-age boys who apparently resent not being able to breastfeed anymore and taking it out on this website. Fucking amazing. The people at Cracked are far more tolerant of your flickering-candle wits than I could be."
Let the record state that More Gooder is not a member of the Cracked Staff and, further, was not prompted by any member of the Cracked Staff to leave this comment. Again, we can't stress enough that we didn't write this comment. We just, you know, picked a random comment. Just picked one, totally at random to bring it to everyone's attention. Gooder said it, not us.
STUPID VIDEOS! (Ours)
The Year in Douchebaggery!
We apologize to all of you hardworking douchebags out there who didn't make the cut this year (looking right at you, Hannah Montana), but hey, there's always 2008!
The News on Cracked
Anchorman Lex Friedman shows you what new stupid, yet totally predictable, thing Lindsay Lohan did this week, dick-slaps Santa in the face byreporting the news on Christmas Day,, and gives you more astronaut puns than is necessary or healthy.. It's the news for people who hate the news.
"This is what happens if erections last for more than three hours and you DON'T consult a physician."
"The real tragedy of Megacock's existence was that with every step he took, he kicked himself in the balls."
"Damn it Mike! I told you leopard Print panties! LEOPARD PRINT! Now we look ridiculous!"
"Jim could do nothing but point and stare. He'd never seen what his father did for a living, and now he wished he never had."
"Santa proposed that Christians abandon their materialistic holiday, and have Christmas honor the birth of Jesus again.
It didn't go over well"
"When the dyslexics decided to 'rid the world of Satan', tragedy was inevitable."
"Last craption contest I gave you my heart, but the very next craption contest you, with one swift punch, burst through my rib cage and put it back in, all damaged and all."
"The Beastie Boys have officially run out of ideas."
"Everyone cheered, when finally our friends from the stars sucked up the last of the homosexuals."
"...but other than that, French Christmas is pretty much the same."
"Paul Bunyan has some weird ass kidney stones."
"The original birth of Superman scene was deemed too graphic for a family movie."