Back in October, we relaunched Cracked with a bunch of new features. Two of them, the Craptions contest and the comments section, relied on you guys to be funny. This was risky, since the only thing we knew about you was that you enjoyed laughing at pop culture references and dick jokes. Well, we're not sure if you hired a ghost writer or something, but you've had us laughing ever since.
The 10 Best Craptions of the Year
We have a dirty little secret. It's called the Craptions contest, and it offers daily proof that our readers are just as funny as we are ... sometimes funnier. Here are the 10 Craptions you've come up with since October that we don't want our boss to read.
As Blastubus, Child-God of Assassins, prepares his sniper rifle Sean-Luc describes the size hole he wants in his dad's chest.
Unfortunately, all the money was spent on the time machine's anti-matter engines, thus leaving the engineers to hire one of their grandmothers to fashion a wicker basket hull.
Just this morning, Allison told God in her prayer to give her a sign if he wanted her and Tom to move to Turkey.
This really is the fastest way to cross the Atlantic-WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!
Months of grueling research work found that Spider-Man's best form of disguise would be to wear a Spidey mask.
Melissa would never misspell "carpool" on Craiglist again.
YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!
The coloured potmonster unsuccessfully tries to eat an unimpressed Hindi with chopsticks.
Stamps depicting Elvis during his "Hispanic years" are worth millions.
Quick, fill my snake up! I have to ride it all the way to Xingmatsu!
The 10 Best Comments of the Year
See? This website doesn't need to just be about us; it can be about you. Specifically, the things you say about us. We tirelessly combed every single article from the past year in search of the most insightful (least retarded), comments and realized, much to our dismay, that even the comments are sometimes funnier than us.
From: 5 Features MySpace Desperately Needs
Yabels says: "Dane Cook presents: 'ANTI-FRIEND.' Cook: 'Everybody knows somebody they just haaaaate. And I mean haaaaaate, like the chick from your last relationSHIT? You know? Well bro, that's your ANTI-FRIEND! Yeah, wouldn't it be cool if you could just say to that person, 'Hey, I don't like you, you're my anti-friend. That's how much you're not my friend, you're the opposite of friend, you're the anti-friend. Go away from me anti-friend, be gone!' And like on MySpace you can just click 'anti-friend' and have a top list of anti-friends. You just tell 'em, 'Chew on that for awhile, anti-friend, put it in your mouf, it's tasty, you know?!'"
Why We Love It: Never before has someone's voice been captured so accurately. Or, at least never on a failed magazine's message board. If you can read that comment aloud without breaking into Dane Cook's obnoxiously over-annunciating voice, you've either never heard him talk or you're a Speak & Spell.
From: 5 Things Hollywood Thinks Computers Can Do
Dj50 contributes one glaring omission to our list of ridiculous things that Hollywood thinks computers can do:
Lady with big tits and glasses typing insanely fast turns to the hero:
"Great news, we have a picture of the villain!"
"Awww ... it's too small, I can't make out anything."
"Let me try something."
(Turns to the screen and begins to type frantically)
"There ... now it's 10 times bigger."
"Yeah, but it's blurred."
"Here, let me hit this magic enhance button."
(Hits enhance button, and the picture clears up magically transforming into a high-resolution image of the bad guy)
"Wow, you are great and I'm surely gonna fuck you blind in about another 30 minutes into the movie."
Why We Love It:
This comment is funny, relevant and even involves tits. Basically, it has everything that we should have included in this (and, well, every) article, but didn't. We applaud you, Dj50, for writing a part of a Cracked article better than the entire Cracked staff.
You lookin' for a job? No? Good.
From: Where Aren't They Now?: 5 Post-Star Wars Careers Almost as Pathetic as Mark Hamill's
Ghostline06 says: "I actually almost got into a fight with Boba [Fett]/Bulloch at a bar after a Sci-Fi convention 10 years ago in Hartford, CT. The guy just wouldn't stop hitting on my girlfriend all day and night (she worked at the convention). I am a peaceful person and not one to get involved in fights, but with enough beer and the director of the convention egging me on with 'Come-on man Boba Fett is trying to go home with your girlfriend,' and 'You should just kick his ass so you can tell people my friend beat down Fett,' etc ... It was getting to a point where beating the shit out of an old short British actor was sounding good to my drunken 22-year-old mind. Alas cooler thoughts prevailed and that night I got laid while he went back to his motel room alone to play with his pulse cannon. Now if he was actually wearing his Boba Fett costume at the bar … then I would have had to beat his ass, just for the bragging rights."
Why We Love It: We just love the idea of crazy old Bulloch spending his golden years hanging out in Connecticut bars trying to pick up random women based strictly on the fact that he was, at one point, "motherfucking Boba Fett." He is going to ride that glory until he dies, probably alone in a puddle of vomit and cheap gin, though, possibly, in the belly of the giant Sarlacc.
From: The 10 Best Animated Movies For (Traumatizing) Kids
UglyShirts says: "No child should be subject to being literally OR figuratively slapped in the face with testicles, especially before their own drop into position."
Why We Love It: Really, the only lesson a responsible parent needs to pass on to their children. We've been staunchly anti-testicle-face-slapping for years and Uglyshirts finally managed to eloquently articulate all of our feelings regarding this particular subject.
From: Celebrity Ripped Club: 8 Non-Athletes Who've Got to Be Using Steroids
Dogico says: "The weird thing with Carrot Top is that when most people put on muscle, it distracts others from said person's face. In his case, it only magnifies the fact that he has the ugliest visage God ever felt like fucking with. seriously, it's like he took the Potato Head Starter Kit, threw in some dog shit and malleable barbwire, and kinda just went nuts. No one can make fun of Carrot Top's face enough. No one."
Why We Love It:
You're right, Dogico; no one can make fun of Carrot Top's face enough, however, no one will ever do it with as much gusto and flair as you, Sir.
From: The 5 Pimpingest Historical Figures
Dr_stoopid says: "That was an inspiring assessment of Pimpstorical figures. It reminds me of when I got arrested riding my stallion through unidirectional traffic with alleged 'reckless abandon and disregard for the sanctity of property and human life.' To all those delusional nerdy pedants making historical corrections of the facts-- grow some balls before we kick you in the ovaries."
Why We Love It: In addition to being a damn funny story, this comment got our attention for bringing the term "Pimpstorical" into the mainstream.
From: Marvel Comics vs. Science: 5 of the Most Absurd Superhero Origins
Keredoluck says: "Meanwhile, back at the Nuclear Zoo ... Peter Parker visits a zoo that's experimenting with irradiating spiders? REALLY? Where is this zoo? And where are the atomic monkeys? Did they bite the spiders? Well, anyway, the spiders, having been exposed to radiation, promptly die, since they are not cockroaches. Next week, we will follow the amazing Roach Girl! She has the ability to continue talking even after her head has been separated from her body, for up to three weeks! This makes her both the best and worst girlfriend a man can have, each for very different reasons.
From: The 9 Most Unnecessary Greatest Hits Albums of All Time
Blacksuit says: "Why is Vanilla Ice on that list? If there is one man on this earth who truly deserves a greatest hits album, it's Mr. Rob Van Winkle. I thought it was a joke! How can a man who broke down the barriers for a new generation of white hip-hop artist be considered unworthy? His songs were lyrically genius, "To the extreme, I rock a mic like a vandal, pull up a stage, and wax a chump like a candal." That line is not only liberating, but also inspiring. Mr. Winkle changed the way we see rap. When he finally hit the scene, everyone could listen to it, whether you were a 23-year-old black man, or a 12-year-old white boy. I am very disapointed in this article cracked, and if this keeps up, you may lose a regular visitor of the site. Word to ya motha."
Why We Love It: This is the one entry on our list where the hilarity is strictly unintentional. If that was the only comment that Mr. Blacksuit left, it would be reasonable to conclude that he was trying to be funny by making such blatantly outrageous claims. However, Blacksuit left nine-fucking-teen more comments on that article, all dedicated to passionately defending Vanilla Ice as some kind of genre-transcending, Christ-like figure with 6-inch-high hair and anger management issues.
From: The 10 Most Irritatingly Impossible Old-School Video Games
Bob says: "I'm 26 years old and I still remember the contra code ... on my death bed I will start blabbering "up up down down left right left right A B A B select start" and my children will cry."
Why We Love It:
With his unwavering dedication to meaningless tidbits of pop culture, Bob is, in a nutshell, exactly the kind of person we write articles for.
From: About 80 percent of the articles we've posted in the last year.
[See: the script from Anchorman: The Legend of Run Burgundy.]
Why We Love It: We don't know why or when exactly it started but, at some point, CRACKED articles became a hot spot for people who like pretending to be characters from Anchorman and posting direct quotes from the movie. We still don't know if it'll ever stop, we don't even know if it's just one person or several people working together. We just know that it has become a CRACKED staple that shows no sign of disappearing.
What's admirable is the consistency and the fact that, whomever's doing this, genuinely doesn't give a shit about what anyone has to say. Sometimes other commenters would laugh at theAnchorman quotes, while still others would beg them to stop but, for the most part, theAnchorman Clan is completely ignored. Does that stop them? Hell no. In fact, there doesn't seem to be any reaction that will please, disappoint or, really, have any affect at all on the Anchorman Clan. They're not here to please anyone but themselves and the only way they can please themselves is by recycling verbatim quotes from a Will Ferrell movie that came out four years ago. You just don't see that kind of consistency and dedication anymore.