Posts of Christmas Past

The past few weekends we've posted old articles by some of our more popular writers. This was greeted with cries of "Cheaters!" and "Cracked has run out of ideas!" and "Hey, listen to me! I'm a cry baby with nothing better to do than complain about Cracked, even though its editors are clearly just trying to get some peace and quiet and maybe spend the day with their girlfriends for once." (Not a direct quote) Well, we've heard your complaints and decided to totally ignore them.

In honor of the upcoming holiday, here's a list of some of our favorite Cracked.com Christmas articles from this year and years past. It's a sampler platter of toy- and holiday-themed goodness to get you in the mood to sit around the Christmas tree with your family, open presents and complain about how Cracked never posts new articles on the weekends.

When you're opening gifts on Christmas, do you ever wonder what presents people on the other side of the world are opening at that very moment? If so, then you have a poor understanding of the concept of time zones. But, if you're generally curious about what children in other countries get for Christmas, the answer is simple: poop toys.

After the above list of toys, we probably don't need to provide you with any more evidence that foreign people are fucking weird. But, we're going to anyways. You're welcome.

Christopher Walken's atonal, sociopathic demeanor has kept him from roles in some classic holiday films. This is a shame, because we hear that he absolutely exudes holiday cheer this time of year. Let him share with you his 12 days of Christmas.

One of our favorite troops, The Whitest Kids U'Know teaches you how to go about getting the greatest gift of all.

If you think we celebrate Christmas on Dec 25 because that's the day Jesus was born and he asked for tinsel-draped pine trees for his birthday, then this article might just teach you something. If you always suspected our celebration had more to do with Roman orgies and something called "the semen of the gods," then it'll only confirm your suspicions.

We're assuming these toys stay around for the same reason as domestic violence. Parents pass them along to their kids, because it's the only thing they've ever known, and those kids do the same to their own kids. The only other option is that there are people in this world whose idea of a good time is tossing a ball into a wooden cup, and that just can't be.

We take you through the classics, the underrated, the overrated and the total shit. Now you'll know which movies to watch this Christmas instead of spending time with your family.

Maddox runs down five Christmas gifts that prove that your parents hate you.