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Closeted Badasses: 6 Famous Wusses That Would Own You

#3.
Wilmer Valderrama

Who Is This Wuss?
Wilmer Valderrama made his name playing Fez, the dark alley beating-worthy, foreign exchange student of indeterminate descent for eight goddamned seasons on That '70s Show. In real life, well, not much different. After moving to the United States at the age of 13, Valderrama quickly picked up English in part by watching episodes of I Love Lucy. Badass! It was said in one teen magazine that Rob Thomas of MATCHBOX TWENTY helped him learn English, also. Whether it was in person or through the magic of his songs isn't specified, but either way, that manages to out-pussy I Love Lucy reruns.

Aside from That '70s Show, Valderrama hosted Yo Momma, an MTV show so offensively bad it actually becomes surreal if you manage to look directly at the TV screen for more than 60 seconds.

He's also been victimized on "best friend" Ashton Kutcher's MTV show Punk'd a whopping three times. That's a record folks!

Why He Owns You:
In a word, chicks. Lots and lots of chicks. It's not unusual for the occasional Hollywood doofus to land a smokin'-hot young starlet seemingly millions of light years out of his league. It happens all the time. But over the past decade, Wilmer Valderrama has put together a string of conquests that would make even the most hardened cocksman flaccid with envy.

A certified friggin' sex machine, on a 2006 appearance on the the Howard Stern Show, Fez went into detail about his time spent nailing hookers as a youth in Venezuela, his time spent nailing hot actresses as an asshole in Hollywood, and his reportedly 8 plus-inch wang.

Sure, that last part could be a fabrication, but it's probably not respect for his acting talent that has him being romantically linked to the likes of Mandy Moore, Lindsay Lohan, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Biel, Sofia Vergara and Jessica motherfuckin' Alba. Our team of researchers confirms the chances of you ever speaking to, much less boning, any of these women are scientifically less than zero.

Who You Are In Comparison:

#2.
Elvis Stojko

Who Is This Wuss?
We'd venture a guess that no sport in the world incites more multilingual shouts of "look at that fucking queer!" then male figure skating. With the graceful, flowing choreography, raging crotch bulges and costumes that look like they were designed for Tina Turner in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, it's hard to fathom a heterosexual male seeing another guy figure skating and saying, "Yes, I want to do that!"

In this world of questionable sexuality, Elvis Stojko is probably as good as anyone else. We really don't know enough about male figure skating to tell you for sure either way. Let's see, according to Wikipedia, he was the first male to land a quadruple double jump combo. Awesome, we guess. In 1994, he won his first world championship at Chiba, Japan while skating to, wait, is this right? While skating to Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story. Nice!

In 1995, he won his second world championship skating on a not fully-healed broken ankle and landing a triple lutz, triple toe loop combination in the free skate event. Hmmm, the broken ankle thing is cool, and triple toe loop would be cool if they called it what it is: a 1080. At the 1997 Grand Prix finals, while skating to the Dragonheart soundtrack, he became the first man ever to land a quadruple triple combination. Shit, he sounds pretty alright ... for, ahem, someone who is obviously such a total pussy.

Why He Owns You:
Looks like there's one more section to his Wikipedia entry. Martial arts? Oh, holy shit! Elvis Stojko is trained in karate and received a black belt at the age of 16. We could summarize what happened next, but really the facts are so badass that quoting directly from Wikipedia is better than anything we could come up with. After getting a black belt in plane old karate, Elvis felt "he needed ... to find a style that would truly fit him (and) ended up meeting Sifu Glen Doyle, a three-time Canadian Kung Fu Champion ... Sifu Doyle's style of kung fu 'Hung Gar' was for combat and not flash and that is what caught Elvis' eye."

So, not content with just learning plain old karate, Elvis wanted something a little more applicable to ass kicking. Why would a figure skater ever need to fuck someone up? We like to imagine Stojko spends his free time cruising the frozen lakes of Canada until he finds a hockey game, straps on a pair of ice skates and practices his triple toe loops in hopes of drawing some taunts. And when those taunts come, let the combat begin!

If you would like to join Elvis in his fight to bring justice to maligned figure skaters everywhere, he spends his free time teaching at the Cead Bua Fighting Faction School, which based on the name we're guessing looks something like this when in session.

Who You Are In Comparison:

#1.
MC Hammer

Who Is This Wuss?
In the late '80s, MC Hammer made the world a less-awesome place for just about everybody with the release of the album Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em. With the album's first single, "U Can't Touch This," MC Hammer took what had previously been a form of music embraced almost exclusively by badasses and pimps and catapulted it into the shopping malls. Had this been accomplished by someone like Rakim or Big Daddy Kane, you might be wearing an eye patch and drinking out of a bejeweled goblet right now. Instead, mainstream America's first exposure to rap came in the form of a smiley song and dance man in shiny clown pants, giving most white people the impression that good hip-hop is just a catchy beat, and a willingness to dance once the cameras roll. Apparently that impression stuck and 20 years later, we get to hear "Crank That (Soulja Boy)" 10 times a day and could probably do the damn dance if some sadistic bastard put a gun to our head.

Why He Owns You:
If we told a fat joke at your mother's expense what would you do about it? Probably nothing. If you were MC Hammer though, you would most likely get on the phone with a gang leader and put out a hit on our life. That's exactly what he allegedly did in 1990 after white rap duo 3rd Bass repeatedly dissed him on their debut LP The Cactus Album. In particular, the line "the cactus turned Hammer's mother out" prompted Hammer to put a $60,000 hit out with one of the biggest gangs in Los Angeles.

Thats right, the man spent the 1990 equivalent of two Lexuses to avenge a phrase that sounds like random words being read off a Scrabble board. We'd always heard he liked to spend money, but we had no idea how very little MC Hammer fucks around when it comes to his mother.

After being warned of the impending hit, Def Jam Records president Russell Simmons phoned Bloods leader Mike Concepcion to try to have the order stopped, and was told it was too late. With 3rd Bass already on a flight to L.A., there was nothing that could be done to prevent it. We would've, you know, just had them turn around and fly back to New York, but whatevs.

During the phone call with Simmons, Concepcion hinted that he could maybe see to it that the Bloods would call off the hit. 3rd Bass was coming to town to attend the American Music Awards and Concepcion wanted to go. But he didn't just want to go, one of the most dangerous men in America wanted to sit next to ...

Michael Jackson. Russell Simmons made it happen, thus allowing 3rd Bass to live another day and record one more shitty album before disbanding into obscurity.

At this point in our research, we weren't sure whether to put Hammer at No. 1 for ordering a hit on someone's life over a yo' momma joke, put Michael Jackson on the list for preventing a hit just by being fucking Michael Jackson, or to banish the damn list altogether in disbelief. In the end, Hammer makes No. 1. Go ahead, make jokes, M.J. may not have enough star power to stop the next hit. If someone loans Hammer the 60 grand, you're screwed.

Who You Are In Comparison:

When not begging for spare change at Cracked, Adam can be found at MaximumAwesome.com, your #1 source for vomiting dinosaur robots.

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