7Aaron Carter: Most Requested Hits
Fact: kids have shitty taste in music. Actually, just about everything kids like, excluding toys and video games in some cases, totally fucking blows. They don't know any better. In light of this, we don't care how many "hits" this kid may or may not have had as a result of catering to the 8 and under demographic (we didn't check). We are grown folks talking about grown up shit and we say this kid makes the list.
Ok, we're kidding, of course we checked, we're semi-professionals! Unless you count the single "Aaron's Party (Come and Get It)" peaking at #35 as a hit, there is no place in the world for this attempt at revisionist history. By far, the most shocking thing about this album, other than that it exists at all, is the title. Look at the album cover; even he looks a bit surprised. Most requested hits? Requested by who? This implies that there were studies done, numbers crunched and songs eliminated because, compared to "My Shorty," they just couldn't justify including them due to their less than impressive request history. We call bullshit. We want to see the numbers. A Freedom of Information Act request is pending.
"That's How I Beat Shaq," in which a 15 year-old white kid tells his friends how he met Shaquille O'Neal on a playground and schooled him in a game of one on one. In the end though, it turns out to be a dream! Aw hell naw! We didn't see that coming, yo! But wait, there's a twist! At the end of the song comes the line "If it was a dream, and it wasn't real, how'd I get a jersey with the name O'Neal?" as if to imply some Freddy Krueger shit had just taken place. His friend's reply with a shocked "whooooaaa!" Our reply? "You probably bought it at motherfucking Foot Locker, now go do your homework."
Most Awesome Amazon.com User Review:
"A greatest hits collection from the greatest EVER!!! A.C. gets his props as all of his illustrious hits are presented in Dolby 5.1 surround sound!!! WORD. Don't sleep on Aaron Carter, although the omission of "Stride (Jump on the Fizzy) is inexcusable."
6The Best of Color Me Badd
Color Me Badd actually had 5 top 20 singles between 1991 and 1992. Hell, a couple of them even made it to #1. So why shouldn't they have released a greatest hits album? For starters, try naming one of those top 20 singles that isn't "I Wanna Sex You Up." If you were able to pull that off, then you already know why The Best of Color Me Badd ought not exist, because chances are you still own the one fucking album that all of those hits are on. Those of you looking to indulge in the "best" of some of Color Me Badd's lesser known tunes, "Sexual Capacity," for example, could still skip this collection and just buy their other three albums for a combined total of $1.29. We shit you not...
On a slightly unrelated side bar, Wikipedia notes the following about the band's fourth album, Now & Forever, "sales were well below those expected from the group, with initial sales of only 32 units in the U.S." There are no sources cited, and that could be a typo, but until proven otherwise we're just going to accept that as the saddest damn thing we've ever read.
We really can't say enough about "Sexual Capacity." If ever a pan flute was used with sexier results, we'd be astounded. We were kind of shocked just to hear one being used somewhere other than a Zamfir: Master of the Pan Flute commercial or a Kung-Fu flick, actually.
Most Awesome Amazon.com User Review:
"Some nights before I go to bed, I say my prayers and simply stare at my gorgeous self in the mirror. I thank the heavens I look like I do and ask for things like a White Lion reunion tour or Grim Reaper at my four year old's birthday party. Usually, my requests go unanswered. That was, until this CD came out."