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A Greatest Hits album is an artist's testament to a long and prolific career. Or at least it would be, if it wasn't for the fact that pretty much anybody can release one, regardless of how few hits they actually have to their name. As evidence of this, we give you...

9The Best of Vanilla Ice

The window of time in which the world actually gave a shit about Vanilla Ice was quite slim, maybe a year, max. Granted, during those twelve months, the man put together a dazzling string of accomplishments: the first rap song to reach #1 on the Billboard pop charts, one of the best selling rap albums of all time, several Grammy and American Music Award nominations, sex with a still hot at the time Madonna. It was a good run.

But as adored as he may have been for 52 weeks in 1990-1991, he was absolutely fucking hated a million times more for about ten years after. An incident in which he was supposedly dangled from the ankles off a balcony from the top floor of a hotel and forced to sign over the publishing rights to his biggest hit ever is still used as comedy fodder to this day, most recently on a 2006 episode of Entourage. Chew on that for a second, the fact that Vanilla Ice was almost murdered by Suge Knight is thought to be hilarious by millions of people. This album could be called The Very Best of That Fucking Ice Ice Baby Dick That Suge Knight Should Have Dropped To His Death and nobody would bat an eyelash.

Best Moment:
How do you pick just one? Is it "Ninja Rap," a song whose "go ninja, go ninja, go!" chorus evokes kick ass visions of actual ninjas doing the running man, until you realize it's a song from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack? How about "I Love You," a tender hip hop ballad that shamelessly apes LL Cool J's "I Need Love" but does it in such a pussified way it manages to make "I Need Love" sound like "Fuck Da Police" in comparison? Perhaps "Satisfaction" would be more to your liking, a tune in which our hero samples The Rolling Stones greatest riff ever, almost certainly without their permission, and proceeds to take a four minute long hip hop shit on it. Really, we can't decide. It's all pretty goddamned awful.

Most Awesome Amazon.com User Review:
"If you decide to buy this CD, wait patiently by the mail box till it arrives. Upon arrival, quickly open the box, then pull the security tape from the jewel case. Open the jewel case and place the CD in one hand. Break the CD in half, then slit your wrists with the remaining shards. As you begin to die look at your reflection in the mirror-like surface of the broken CD, and ask your self what you were thinking when you ordered this CD!"

8The Best of Nelson: The Millennium Collection

The second sentence of Nelson's Wikipedia entry perfectly sums up the total lack of need for this "best of" collection to even exist: "They had a No. 1 hit in the United States with "(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection" during the week of September 29, 1990." Yep, for one fucking week, these dudes were kings!

To honor that devoid-of-talent week in 1990, someone decided to do the years of research required to come up with 10 other Nelson songs possibly worth hearing and gather them together on The Best of Nelson: The Millennium Collection. To think, while Y2K paranoia had us celebrating the millennium hunkered down in a bomb shelter scared that a rogue ATM was going to burst through the door at the stroke of Midnight, we could've spent it with this collection of non-hits, celebrating both the coming of the 21st century and Matthew and Gunnar Nelson's glory days. All seven of them.

Best Moment:
"Won't Walk Away," an about-as-awesome-as-Nelson-will-ever-get pop-rock cheese fest that answers the age old question, "what would it sound like if The Replacements were gang raped by Styx?"

Most Awesome Amazon.com User Review:
"Nelson's powerful melodic sound was the logical follow up to the Journey/Foreigner/Loverboy arena rock sound of the 80's. NELSON ROCKS! There, I said it."

7Aaron Carter: Most Requested Hits

Fact: kids have shitty taste in music. Actually, just about everything kids like, excluding toys and video games in some cases, totally fucking blows. They don't know any better. In light of this, we don't care how many "hits" this kid may or may not have had as a result of catering to the 8 and under demographic (we didn't check). We are grown folks talking about grown up shit and we say this kid makes the list.

Ok, we're kidding, of course we checked, we're semi-professionals! Unless you count the single "Aaron's Party (Come and Get It)" peaking at #35 as a hit, there is no place in the world for this attempt at revisionist history. By far, the most shocking thing about this album, other than that it exists at all, is the title. Look at the album cover; even he looks a bit surprised. Most requested hits? Requested by who? This implies that there were studies done, numbers crunched and songs eliminated because, compared to "My Shorty," they just couldn't justify including them due to their less than impressive request history. We call bullshit. We want to see the numbers. A Freedom of Information Act request is pending.

Best Moment:
"That's How I Beat Shaq," in which a 15 year-old white kid tells his friends how he met Shaquille O'Neal on a playground and schooled him in a game of one on one. In the end though, it turns out to be a dream! Aw hell naw! We didn't see that coming, yo! But wait, there's a twist! At the end of the song comes the line "If it was a dream, and it wasn't real, how'd I get a jersey with the name O'Neal?" as if to imply some Freddy Krueger shit had just taken place. His friend's reply with a shocked "whooooaaa!" Our reply? "You probably bought it at motherfucking Foot Locker, now go do your homework."

Most Awesome Amazon.com User Review:
"A greatest hits collection from the greatest EVER!!! A.C. gets his props as all of his illustrious hits are presented in Dolby 5.1 surround sound!!! WORD. Don't sleep on Aaron Carter, although the omission of "Stride (Jump on the Fizzy) is inexcusable."

6The Best of Color Me Badd

Color Me Badd actually had 5 top 20 singles between 1991 and 1992. Hell, a couple of them even made it to #1. So why shouldn't they have released a greatest hits album? For starters, try naming one of those top 20 singles that isn't "I Wanna Sex You Up." If you were able to pull that off, then you already know why The Best of Color Me Badd ought not exist, because chances are you still own the one fucking album that all of those hits are on. Those of you looking to indulge in the "best" of some of Color Me Badd's lesser known tunes, "Sexual Capacity," for example, could still skip this collection and just buy their other three albums for a combined total of $1.29. We shit you not...

On a slightly unrelated side bar, Wikipedia notes the following about the band's fourth album, Now & Forever, "sales were well below those expected from the group, with initial sales of only 32 units in the U.S." There are no sources cited, and that could be a typo, but until proven otherwise we're just going to accept that as the saddest damn thing we've ever read.

Best Moment:
We really can't say enough about "Sexual Capacity." If ever a pan flute was used with sexier results, we'd be astounded. We were kind of shocked just to hear one being used somewhere other than a Zamfir: Master of the Pan Flute commercial or a Kung-Fu flick, actually.

Most Awesome Amazon.com User Review:
"Some nights before I go to bed, I say my prayers and simply stare at my gorgeous self in the mirror. I thank the heavens I look like I do and ask for things like a White Lion reunion tour or Grim Reaper at my four year old's birthday party. Usually, my requests go unanswered. That was, until this CD came out."

5Tone Loc: Wild Thing and Other Hits

Drop the "s" off the end of the album title and release it as a two track CD single featuring "Wild Thing" and "Funky Cold Medina" and you'd have a perfectly legitimate Tone Loc greatest hits collection.

In fact, a cursory glance at the album cover even suggests that maybe we just don't remember the minor hits and there are actually only five songs on this "greatest hits" collection. This would, in fact, make Tone Loc the most honest, respectable artist in music history for having enough integrity to not insult the formerly CD buying public's intelligence by claiming that "I Got It Goin' On" was a hit.

In reality, there are five more songs included, which brings the number of "hits" nobody outside of Tone's immediate friends or family has ever heard, to a total of eight.

Notice that the title "Wild Thing & Other Hits" suggests that somebody is afraid people may have forgotten the name of "the guy who sang 'Wild Thing' back in the 80's." That's probably a valid concern.

Best Moment:
When Vanilla Ice stole the bass line from Queen's "Under Pressure" for his sole hit "Ice Ice Baby," he was taken to court. Tone Loc did the same thing twice on almost equally huge songs. "Wild Thing," which sampled Van Halen's "Janie's Cryin'" and "Funky Cold Medina" which sampled Kiss' "Christine Sixteen," both without permission from the respective bands, resulted in zero lawsuits. Further proof that the world hates Vanilla Ice.

Most Awesome Amazon.com User Review:
(Tie)

1. "Loc's production was ultra-smooth and he had lyrical help-- "Funky Cold Medina" and "Wild Thing" are still some of the smartest (and funniest) lyrics in rap, and were penned by none other than Will Smith (the Fresh Prince)."

2. "This guy who typed that Will Smith penned wild thing and funky cold medina obviously does not know what he is talkin about. They were written by Young MC."

4Bruce Willis: Master Series

Soulless, borderline-offensive-to-the-genre blues songs performed by rich white men are an art form loved by dozens. In this field, one name stands head and shoulders above the rest. Bow before the master!

Bruce Willis, or Bruno, as he's called by graying douche bags who prefer their blues served with a heaping side of financially stable and untroubled by the ills of the world, did release a couple of albums back in the 80's. So it should come as no surprise that some enterprising record exec would release a best of Bruce Willis collection to cash in on the whole "what in the holy hell is this?" factor.

Our only problem was deciding which "Best of Bruce Willis" collection to go with. You see, despite releasing a mere two albums, Bruno actually has four, count 'em, four best-of collections. One of them even has the gall to be a double CD that has the exact same cover art as one of his actual albums. In short, if you bought that shit and already owned his first two albums, you got ganked. Ultimately, we settled on "The Master Series" because of the awesome title and super gay album cover.

Best Moment:
At the 2:03 mark of an up-to-that-point less-than-lively rendition of "Under the Boardwalk," Bruce unexpectedly shouts "Yipee-ki-yay mother fucker!" and launches into a searing blues rock guitar solo so goddamned awesome we gathered up all of our Hendrix CD's and torched them sons of bitches lest we be subjected to their inferior axe work ever again. Ok, we made that up, Bruce doesn't really do that. There are no good moments to be found anywhere on this CD. It's pretty damn terrible from front to back.

Most Awesome Amazon.com User Review:
"according to me this record is a very good one because of his very well managed sound and ability to resume in an only one record so much good musiC!"

3Forever More: The Greatest Hits of John Tesh

As sketchy as our memory tends to be, we would still probably recall if there was a time when fucking John Tesh was tearing up the pop charts, kicking the likes of Prince and Madonna to and fro with his killer synthesizer riffs and complex wind chime arrangements.

But, forgetting that for a moment, consider this: the future of the free world may hinge on whether he continues cranking out the "hits." There was a conspiracy theory tossed around for awhile that John Tesh was actually an alien sent here to soften up Earth for an eventual alien invasion by sending subliminal messages through his stint hosting Entertainment Tonight and his new age music. But don't take our word for it, let the folks at N.A.T.A.S. (the National Anti Tesh Action Society) tell you more...

The cover of this greatest hits album, showing a gigantic, spectral John Tesh descending from a frighteningly ominous sky underneath the words "forever more" does nothing to quell our suspicion that this shit is 100% true.

If John Tesh is not stopped, we're fucked. Xenu help us all.

Best Moment:
The scarily titled "One World." With its march of war percussion and tension filled strings, if this isn't the theme song to an alien invasion, we don't know what is. Listen to it, learn it, and when it suddenly begins blaring through your iPod some overcast morning, run.

Most Awesome Amazon.com User Review:
"ONE WORLD--Do I spot allusions to X-FILES?"

2The Best of Young MC

Putting an actual musician with a huge hit and stone hip hop classic to his credit ("Bust A Move") ahead of the likes of Hudson Hawk and the future enslaver of the free world on a list of the most ridiculous greatest hits albums of all time may seem like a curious choice, but hear us out.

More than any other album on this list, this is as far from a greatest hits or best of collection as it gets. In fact, "The Best of Young MC" is really just his first album with a different title, a different album cover and three fewer songs. Three... fewer... songs. Sure, he recorded more albums, a bunch of them in fact. But none of those songs made it onto "The Best of Young MC." What this implies is that Young MC's career ran out of creative steam 10 songs into the recording of his first album, but someone decided a best-of collection was still a good idea anyway.

As if that's not sad enough, a quick check of the titles of some of his other albums, "Return of the One Hit Wonder" and "Bust A Move 2002" for example, are so desperate, pathetic and self-loathing they make Color Me Badd's story sound like a happy ending. And, for one more tale of woe, the last time we checked in with Young MC, he was on VH1's "Celebrity Fit Club." Poor guy. If we ever write a "7 MC's Who Could Probably Use A Hug" list, he's in.

Best Moment:
At this point, we don't have the heart to make fun of Young MC anymore. The best moment is "Bust A Move." We love it, you love it, everyone loves it. In fact, several Cracked staffers cite it as the greatest song ever written. We're listening to it right now, even. Several of us are dancing. It's fucking great. Good job, Young MC.

Most Awesome Amazon.com User Review:
"In the song "Bust A move" Young MC makes a song that might be one of the greatest Hip-Hop songz of all time. He was also one of the first Black Man to ever be on the top of the charts, also Tone Loc. "my Name is young" is another one of Youngs greatest songs where he talks about who he is, and why his rap name is Young MC and that is cause his last name is Young and he also says that when he started he was Young (10 yrs Old) so they called him Young MC."

1The Best of Shaquille O'Neal

Forget the music; this is about personal responsibility and love of the game. And we aren't talking about the rap game. Anyone who has ever seen Shaquille O'Neal on the court knows that every single minute he's not spending in the paint elbowing people in the chest while NBA referees pretend they aren't watching, should be spent in a gym trying to improve his sub-Special Olympics level free throw percentage.

That he could justify dedicating his off seasons to kick starting his "rap career" should bar him from any future hall of fame consideration. Similarly, that someone could justify rounding up the least horrifying songs shat out of that rap career and release them as "The Best of Shaquille O'Neal" should bar that person from ever enjoying another day that doesn't begin with a swift punch to the gut.

It's not that Shaq didn't have a lot of hits; it's that he didn't have any hits. None. Have you seen Kazaam? It's better than every damn song on this album. Despite this lack of success, Shaquille O'Neal was the basketball rap pioneer who paved the way for every baller with a shoe contract and a dream to release an album in the mid to late 90's, eventually leading to the doomsday scenario of "K.O.B.E.," a lyrically retarded single by Kobe Bryant featuring Tyra Banks. Thanks, asshole.

Best Moment:
"Biological Didn't Bother (G-Funk version)," a love song dedicated to the dude who married Shaq's mom set to the type of mid-90's west coast hip hop groove normally reserved for far less gay topics. Inexplicably, it's on the album twice.

Most Awesome Amazon.com User Review:
"Usually people are only lucky enough to be given one truly great talent. Shaq was blessed with two. In fact, he's even better at music than basketball. The songs on The Best Of Shaq move me - some to the point of tears. This Best Of will hold a special place on my cd shelf - right next to The Best Of David Hasselhoff. My only wish now is that Shaq's next album will be one where he just does love songs. It could be called "Love Shaq."


Adam hosts a podcast called Unpopular Opinion that you should check out right here. You should also be his friend on Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr.


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