The 5 Least Manly Sports Movies

#4. Field of Dreams

In a nutshell:

Most people call it a "sports movie." There's a baseball diamond on the movie poster and there's "field" right there in the title. So why the hell did we waste two hours watching some sort of half-assed fairy tale about a schizophrenic farmer? We haven't felt this betrayed by a movie title since Naked Lunch (it's about a fucking exterminator).

Apparently, Ray Kinsella, played by Kevin Costner, has daddy issues, dementia and absolutely no regard for his family's well being because he destroys his only source of income, his corn field, and constructs a baseball diamond.

Fine, we can go along with this, but then the movie takes an inexplicable comedy/science fiction/drama turn. Ghosts appear from corn stalks, James Earl Jones gets kidnapped, the Kinsella family is continuously on the brink of bankruptcy and then there's a subplot about First Amendment rights.

Defining douche-chill moment:

The end of the film goes for the easy tug of the heartstrings when Costner's Ray ask Shoeless Joe Jackson to "have a catch" with him, then calls him "dad." That's the climax of this movie? A fucking game of catch? At least A League of Their Own had the balls to end with an inside the park home run.

Vomit-in-the-mouth quote:

Annie Kinsella: "At least he is not a book burner, you Nazi cow," or pretty much anything Amy Madigan says in the movie. Seriously, she's like a shitty-line-generating cyborg.

Roll the tape:

If you'll notice, a long, pointless speech is given, Kevin Costner looks bland and ignores the needs of his family, and no one plays baseball. Pretend this clip is just under two hours long and you've duplicated the experience of actually watching the movie.

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