Hollywood loves to take the cojones out of everything. How else can you explain the movie industry hoi polloi taking a dick-swinging genre like the classic "sports movie" and slowly turning the whole thing into one big pussified monstrosity?
Here are the five sports films that make us want to go Fat Elvis on our 50-inch plasmas.
5The Next Karate Kid
In a nutshell:
Let's get the facts out in the open right now--the first Karate Kid movie was fucking genius. It had it all: The good guys (Ralph Macchio and the late, great Pat Morita), the bad guys (Billy Zabka and his Cobra Kai Sensei, Martin Kove), a cute Elisabeth Shue. It was like someone crossed Rocky with a Chuck Norris movie and decided to set the whole thing in the surreal, cheesy universe of Saved by the Bell.
Unfortunately by the fourth installment, the movie had been watered down from a fun cheesy high school take on the sacred kick-ass martial arts genre into a harmless Lifetime Original Movie about strong women that vaguely touches on karate. Gone is Daniel-san, in his place is Hillary Swank as Julie--a busty teen who pisses all over her grandmother due to unresolved daddy issues. Luckily, Mr. Miyagi is there to teach her something called the Praying Mantis karate chop, which comes in handy after the bad guy in the film nearly rapes her at her high school. Because after all, when every other element of your movie seems to be aimed squarely at 12-year-old girls, what's more appropriate than an attempted rape?Defining douche-chill moment:
A deadlock between Mr. Miyagi shopping for a fucking prom dress--a prom dress!--and the dancing monks in the monastery. We don't know what research the filmmakers did that would suggest that "dress-shopping and extended-dance sequences" were the two things the original Karate Kid movies desperately needed. All of the polls we took point to "more karate" and "boobs" as the best answers.Vomit-in-the-mouth quote:
Julie: "I wish I had courage like you."
Mr. Miyagi: "I wish I had chocolate bar with almonds."Roll the tape:
Mr. Miyagi teaches his pupil an important lesson about self defense by getting a bunch of kids to throw NERF toys at her. While it's unclear how this is supposed to teach her to fight off any but the most idiosyncratic rapist, it does provide one of the longest uninterrupted toy commercials ever inserted into a major motion picture.
If you really need to get the taste of shitty kung fu out of your mouth, (and after that clip, you'll pretty much have to), rent The Octagon with Chuck Norris from 1980. When Norris spits out the line, "That's an insult to both of us-it makes me stupid and you a whore," you'll be far too busy fist-pumping to wonder whether or not that statement actually means anything.
4Field of Dreams
In a nutshell:
Most people call it a "sports movie." There's a baseball diamond on the movie poster and there's "field" right there in the title. So why the hell did we waste two hours watching some sort of half-assed fairy tale about a schizophrenic farmer? We haven't felt this betrayed by a movie title since Naked Lunch (it's about a fucking exterminator).
Apparently, Ray Kinsella, played by Kevin Costner, has daddy issues, dementia and absolutely no regard for his family's well being because he destroys his only source of income, his corn field, and constructs a baseball diamond.Fine, we can go along with this, but then the movie takes an inexplicable comedy/science fiction/drama turn. Ghosts appear from corn stalks, James Earl Jones gets kidnapped, the Kinsella family is continuously on the brink of bankruptcy and then there's a subplot about First Amendment rights.
Defining douche-chill moment:
The end of the film goes for the easy tug of the heartstrings when Costner's Ray ask Shoeless Joe Jackson to "have a catch" with him, then calls him "dad." That's the climax of this movie? A fucking game of catch? At least A League of Their Own had the balls to end with an inside the park home run.Vomit-in-the-mouth quote:
Annie Kinsella: "At least he is not a book burner, you Nazi cow," or pretty much anything Amy Madigan says in the movie. Seriously, she's like a shitty-line-generating cyborg.Roll the tape:
If you'll notice, a long, pointless speech is given, Kevin Costner looks bland and ignores the needs of his family, and no one plays baseball. Pretend this clip is just under two hours long and you've duplicated the experience of actually watching the movie.