Philosopher of rap Ice-T once reflected that "Pimpin' ain't easy." We here at Cracked are inclined to agree. That's why these historical men deserve special commendation for bringing the bling, bitches and beatdowns to their reigns, while laying a stiff backhand across the face of convention and scoring major amounts of tang in the process.
They were, quite simply, the pimpingest men of all time.
They had to build a second afterlife for all of the dudes Ghengis Khan killed. He and his army are thought to have killed around 35 to 40 million people. That's a little more than the number of people living in California. He conquered 13 million square miles of land, so the man basically couldn't walk a mile without leaving three dead bodies in his wake.
Pertaining to Poon:
The figures are in, and they're staggering. Reports show that he has fathered the generation that went on to produce .5 percent of the world's population. That's 16 million people. That means for every two people he killed, he impregnated one.
That's right. There are TWO feathers in this man's cap. One for murder; the other for fucking. And, it doesn't end there. He's decked out in armor made from, one can only presume, the finest materials. According to this artist, he even has perfectly plucked and highly emotive eyebrows to enhance his "come hither" eyes. He also has a handlebar, people, doubtlessly used by woman for steering this uncontrollable love machine.
"No. To crush your enemies, and see them fall at your feet - to take their horses and belongings, and to hear the lamentation of their women. That is the best life." Yeah, you thought that came from Conan the Barbarian, didn't you? Well Ghengis said it first. The screenwriters thought it was so badass, they borrowed it, and Cracked starts every weekday by having every employee chant this in unison.