6 Singers Who Are Mistaken About Their Raw Sexuality

Kid Rock

During his long tenure in the entertainment world, Kid Rock has demonstrated the kind of pimpin' credibility that can only come with the willingness to wear an emerald rockabilly pant suit.

In "Cowboy," Kid Rock alternates between running off with someone's newly betrothed and being wildly gyrated against by go-go dancers.

The dancers are particularly impressive, since Kid's animal magnetism must have been so great they were compelled to spontaneously cast off their clothes and gyrate in the middle of the road. Or, perhaps the matter in Kid's pimp hand was so dense that it collapsed all non-pimping matter, tearing the fabric off the ho/time continuum, opening a wormhole from which they appeared. Thanks to NASA's hard-on for Mars, we may never have the scientific resources to know definitively.

The greatest feather of validation in his cap would have to be his once romantic link with Pamela Anderson. That kind of high profile dating is certainly notable, although in Hollywood circles it is about as rarefied as the rest of the world riding public transit.

Why he's mistaken:
If you could simultaneously hybridize both the prominent features and fashion sense of The Simpsons' Cletus The Slack-Jawed Yokel and either of the Nelson brothers you have essentially brewed Kid Rock.

Kid Rock understands that the more interesting the clothing he selects, the less interesting he actually has to be. No matter how much gusto he puts into his straight, pimpin' redneck retardery, there is nothing that can outshine the fact that he sports a moustache that barely pubescent Filipino boys can trounce.

With all of his homies, his entourage and throngs of followers, any number of people could have staged an intervention on his "moustache" by now, and yet it persists.

Notorious B.I.G.

Though his flow usually focused on dark storytelling, some of his more mainstream songs like "Big Poppa" and "Hypnotize" allowed Biggie an outlet for his sensitive side. He wanted the world to know he was a Renaissance man who didn't just slap bitches, but just frequently had sex with them. In the video for "Hypnotize," he managed to convey that message while on an epic run from the law with Diddy (or as he was known then, the dude who whispers "that's right" in the background of Biggie's songs). The chase finds them in a boat trying to outrun three helicopters, as well as attempting to escape from six motorcycles in a car driving exclusively in reverse. For two enterprising pimps, they had a tendency to choose unballin' modes of evasion.

His lyrics spoke clearly for him, even if he seldom did.

"Girlfriend here's a pen, call me round 10
Come through, have sex on rugs that's Persian (that's right)"
Biggie is suggesting that he was such a mack that he had to pencil appointments into his bustling sex schedule. Not only would he rock their world, he also would introduce them to luxuries like sex on a throw rug.

"At last, a nigga rappin' bout blunts and broads
Tits and bras, menage-a-tois, sex in expensive cars ..."
We're not sure what B.I.G. had against conventional beds, but it didn't keep him from sexing up a few lucky ladies in his hoopdie. Likely while driving in reverse.

Why he's mistaken:
He might be one of the greatest rappers, ever, but to say Biggie wasn't a handsome man is a bit of an understatement. To this day, our nation's top scientists have been unable to conclude if Notorious B.I.G. looked more like an obese Boston Terrier ...

... or Quaid just prior to asphyxiating on the surface of Mars in Total Recall:

Prince

Prince, or the Artist Seldom Known As Subtle, has insisted since day one he is sex incarnate. While some singers occasionally bolster the notion with suggestive dancing or lyrical turns, Prince has opted it as his entire shtick.

The best part is it takes zero familiarity with his catalog to notice this. Just browse a selection of his song titles to make that case.

"Adore"
"Cream"
"Dirty Mind"
"Do Me Baby"
"Gett Off"
"Head"
"I Wanna Be Your Lover"
"I'm Yours"
"In Love"
"Insatiable"
"Kiss"
"My Love Is Forever"
"Nasty Girl"
"Nothing Compares 2 U"
"Orgasm"
"Sexy M.F."
"Soft and Wet"
"The Greatest Romance Ever Sold"
"The Most Beautiful Girl In The World"

On a side note: He's so overtaxed with his sexing that he doesn't even have time to spell out "to" or "you" in any of his song titles or lyrics, but rather juxtaposes with "2" and "U". Impressive!

Why he's mistaken:
Prince has postured himself as some kind of other-worldly, almost ethereal, sex-monger. Unfortunately for Prince, there is a sizable rift where fantasy and reality depart for mainstream sexiness. Ladies, identify which of the below characteristics your Ultimate Male Sex Symbol would embody.

[] Bouffant hairdo
[] Pencil-thin pedophile moustache
[] 5-foot-2, except when wearing heels
[] Wears eyeliner
[] Wrote a song called "If I Was Your Girlfriend," probably while wearing heels

Furthermore, while we understand musicians often leverage the power of wardrobe to give them an exotic style and indelible mental image, it also serves the distinct advantage of drawing attention away from their face. Whether it's ass-less pants or testosterone-less man blouses, Prince is always primped to make an impression. Even if you previously thought Prince was an institution to sexy, watch what happens to his mystique when he is removed from his normal couture and slides into a McDonald's uniform.

More of Ian's work can be found at InternetSensation.com

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