There's something about a lead singer that drives the ladies wild, even if the man is hideous. Someone like Seal, or even Lyle Lovett, who looks like an ill-fitting skin glove pulled over a hat rack, has more access to poozle than any of us could dream of.
We don't begrudge them; we actually are die-hard supporters of people managing to pork out of their station. Yet, some artists seem to have convinced themselves that their popularity with the ladies is because they're love gods, and not because of their fame and piles of money.
Adam Levine (of Maroon 5)
In "Makes Me Wonder," the first single from It Won't Be Soon Before Long, Adam asserts that his sexual prowess is so palpable that even a simple airport security procedure results in a violation of his person (about two minutes in).
He wants the viewer to know it would require at least three agents to examine him because the sheer power of his attractiveness would cause all of the instrumentation to suddenly read "Warning: Libidinous Demigod Is About To Rock Your World." Unless standard weapons searches now include a "happy ending," this is an experience unique to Adam.
Why he's mistaken:
For all of his video swagger, Adam Levine is basically ripping off Robert Palmer. He pops his hips in sultry/arthritic manner and surrounds himself with strangely leathery fembots.
Levine seems utterly convinced of his appeal, as if someone once pulled him aside and told him, "You know what chicks are into? Falsettos and anemia." He also spends an inordinate amount of time staring coldly at the camera, as if he has Rohypnol Vision as a superpower. He's going for "intensity," but winds up with "Crazy Guy on the Bus Who Won't Stop Staring at You."
We do have to give Adam credit, though. He has carefully selected band members exponentially less hotter than he is, in an overt attempt to make himself look better by comparison.
It's easy to dislike Usher for being a pale imitator of an old-school Michael Jackson, but it seems these days that his impression is actually more compelling than the originator. However, we're pretty sure Michael never purported to be a sex symbol (at least not for anyone post-pubescence), which Usher happily cops to at every turn, as we see in the below video.
In "Yeah," he lets it be known that he can't find an idle moment to contemplate the horrors in Darfur because some random lingerie model is always trying to bed him. With all of these nymphomaniacal strumpets pawing at him, he barely has time to pout for the camera for tightly-cropped face shots or stroke his washboard abs. Won't they just leave the poor introvert alone?
Why he's mistaken:
Sure, Usher is a stunning specimen in many respects (just try to do an image search for Usher and count the images of his exposed torso). But, none of it matters, because his head is shaped like a butternut squash.
We don't want to come down too hard on the man, we realize his cranium isn't his fault (and may be the product of a traumatic birthing procedure).
All we're saying is that if instead of an R&B star Usher was, say, working at the tech support call center at Verizon, he would not be surrounded by booty 24/7. He would be shoved into a corner so that passers-by would not see him and start screaming at the sight of his terrifying alien squash head.
Jay-Z doesn't have to insist anything. The man is dating Beyonce Knowles. We would abandon all of our earthly possessions and live a karmically clean life on the outside chance that we'd be reincarnated as a wart on his penis and thereby get a brush with glory. That said, he is no stranger to outrageous claims in songs like "Big Pimpin'."
"Now every time, every place, everywhere we go
Hoes start pointin - they say, 'There he go!'"
While this may be true, we object to Jay-Z's assertion that all hoes use such deplorable grammar. We know a many good hoes whose command of the English language is beyond reproach. It continues ...
"You know I - thug 'em, fuck 'em, love 'em, leave 'em
Cause I don't fuckin need 'em
Take em out the hood, keep 'em lookin good
But I don't fuckin feed 'em"
Jay-Z is apparently quite the vivacious lover, as well as particularly brutal captor. From the sound of it, he could have any number of starving, well-dressed hoes locked up in his basement.
"It puts the lotion on its skin or tha Jigga slaps the hoes again."
Why he's mistaken:
Jay-Z has a big head. Not figuratively, either. His body weight is 85 percent cranium.
That would be fine to a degree if it was a particularly dashing head or if we were hydrocephalus fetishists, but it simply doesn't fly. We heard he had titanium shafts installed into his neck for the video shoot for his own safety and all hoes in proximity.
We were searching for a comparison for his looks, but no mortal being came to mind. That's when we discovered that he is basically just an amply blinged Mr. Potato Head.