CRACKED's Got Humorquio Syndrome

We may be short in "stature" and "amount of time left to live," but one thing we're NOT short on is funny articles for you to look at! Enjoy the cream of this week's comedy crop and we'll try to ignore the burning sensation when we urinate. And speaking of which, it's ...

IT'S (FAKE) WAR!

The Ultimate War Simulation Game Read up on possibly the greatest [hypothetical] war simulation game in history to discover where exactly the Truth stands with regards to the dicey issue of Being Handled Vs. Not Being Handled. The answer may surprise you.

Notable Comment: Unknown points out that "The freedom is gone in America dipshit, our president, in no uncertain terms, declared himself above the law. If you'll check your dictionary, that is the DEFINITION of a fucking dictatorship. In case you're wondering what I'm referring to and calling me a liar, it would be the congressional meetings on whether to officially pass the "Patriot Act" as law...(goes on like this for 1500 words)"
Right...just so we're clear, this was in response to an article about video games on a Website that deals largely with dick jokes and the as yet unfulfilled ambition to hang out with Christian Bale, right? OK. Just making sure.

NEWSPAPER COMICS THAT ARE ACTUALLY FUNNY!

The 5 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Comic Strips Mary Worth has been getting a free ride for too long. It's time for that bitch to pay the piper. [Note: "Payment" will be rendered in the form of sarcastic commentary made on isolated panels taken out of context.]

Notable Comment: In a history-making event, three comments in a row were dedicated to the topic of counting toes. One comment might indicate a spelling error, ("Didn't the Counting Toes do that whiny ‘Long December' bullshit?), two comments might indicate a strange phenomenon, but three comments–this is for real. Toe-counting is going to be the next big thing.

POO!

The 25 Most Baffling Toys From Around The World The holiday seasons are right around the corner, and nothing quite says "Don't include me in next year's Secret Santa" quite like a transgendered Russian doll or a poop hat.

Notable Comment: MoshiMoshi says "When I was small, I couldn't use the bathroom in my grandparent's house cause my parents were scared I was gonna fall in, so they got me a portable potty in the shape of a duck for me HAHA. Japanese toys made my childhood GREAT. I'm only half though, so I didn't have to deal with the golden poop for too long." We have to point out that, even though she didn't have to deal with the golden poop for "too long," that's still considerably longer than most.

STOP THAT MASKED MAN!

5 Upcoming Comic Movies That Must Be Stopped Shazam! promises to be so Shazitty! that you'll be demanding all of your Shamoneyback!

Notable Comment: Unknown posts "You guys write articles about how awesome it is that Christian Bale went from skinny weirdo in 'The Machinist' to MANLY MAN MAN MAN in 'Batman Begins' in a year, then complain about some guy playing a skinny weirdo ELEVEN YEARS AGO."
We have nothing funny to say about this. We actually didn't read the entire comment; we saw "Christian Bale" and immediately posted it because we're a little light on obligatory Christian Bale references this week.

WORDS! (also... boobs, too)

9 Words That Don't Mean What You Think They Mean We've been catching a lot of flak because people consider our articles to be "uninformative" or "pointless" or "offensive." So we wrote up an article all about grammar and people still found something to complain about (in this case it was the gratuitous pictures of half-naked women).

Notable Comment: DitaArgento begs "Can we please leave David Caruso out of your next list?" That's gonna be pretty tough next week when we run "11 Things We'd Do Instead of Save David Caruso from Drowning."

RACISM!

The 9 Most Racist Disney Characters Are you between the ages of 18 and 30 and wondering where all of your latent, race-based hostility came from? We've got the answer in an article that's as informative as it is infuriating.

Notable Comment: This article actually fostered a whole lot of passionate debate in the comment section about what "political correctness" actually is and whether or not its inclusion in cartoons is necessary or simply the result of guilt-inspired over-attention.
Ultimately though, we decided that Da's comment, ("Disney was a dick"), was the most notable and effective of the bunch.

VIDEO!

At Work With Thwomp The WGA has nothing on the Thwomps.

11.15.07:

Some bamboo and a knife? You can trade Asian children for next to nothing these days!
by bad_plumbing

Editor's pick:

Visual recipe:
1. Slice the bamboo thinly.
2. Tie the strips into a bundle.
3. Put the bundle in the trash can.
4. Go buy some actual food at a grocery store.
5. Fry to a desired state of doneness.
by JewelsVern

11.14.07:

Iran hasn't quite understood the phrase "Nuclear Arms"
by Worzel

Editor's pick:

Not exactly a testament to the strength of the Iranian president... It doesn't take much to convince Bush to snort lines of blow out of your armpit.
by TheGreenSaga

11.13.07:

"... So ya, that's how I got her out of the fire. It was pretty rough, but in a few weeks she'll be good as new... Husband? Oh no, he fucking died."
by visijared

Editor's pick:

"Is not cat, is Lion. Look at maine, look at large feet. Is Macedonian Lion. Give me 5 denar for photo."
by Worzel

11.12.07:

The student protesters soon discovered that water cannons and riot shields trump peer-reviewed science and posterboard 99.98% of the time.
by pizzamogul

Editor's pick:

Studies show that the most powerful riot weapon is indeed hundreds of blown up pictures of people you meet in Atlantic city.
by mr1swift

11.11.07:

"You see Father, the 'Good News Emporium' was out of angel statues. So I improvised with my left over Halloween decorations... you like?"
by pizzamogul

Editor's pick:

"The God of skullfucking has answered my prayers! Thank you Dickeyephus!"
by jmcfarl3

11.10.07:

"Crap...I forgot to shave my pits...okay, just play it cool, and they won't even notice..."
by planB

Editor's pick:

"Go greased lightning you're burning up the quarter mile."
"Greased lightning, go greased lightning!"
by Horton The Elephant

11.9.07:

"Hey Karl, your bald eagle trap worked! Should we rape them first, or just make them watch us eat their babies?"
by lc9er

Editor's pick:

"Your mom tried to fight back so I had to hold her like this."
by subscriber.name