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Grossly Inaccurate Review: Van Helsing
By
David Wong
Universal Hugh Jackman Kate Beckinsale Directed by Stephen Sommers by David Wong This is my last movie review. It's no big deal. I think I've pretty much seen them all, now that we've worked our way back to the Frankenstein vs. Wolfman spot in the cinema rotation with Van Helsing. Besides, film criticism is a dinosaur. The future, thanks to rotten-tomatoes.com, is this:  A-poo-logy. Because the film (Envy) makes references to poo, you see. The're called Pull Quotes, my friends. Clever little puns intended only to be quoted elsewhere. And what is becoming ap-poo-rent these days is that if you have the pull quote, you don't need the review.  Besides, there's nothing like wading through 4,000 words of a movie review, only to realize you've devoted 20 minutes to understanding the intricacies of opinions held by Willie Waffle of wafflemovies.com.  So with that, I present the PWoT Movie Review Pull Quote Generator. This will free up tons of time, but still crank out clever movie review kill lines sure to get quoted elsewhere using the same creativity-via-supercomputer method used by today's modern CGI creature wire-fu extravaganzas.  Just copy and paste the ones you want for publication: "This Dracula can stick its tongue in my crackula!" "An interesting piece of genre fun. And by 'genre fun' I mean 'shit!'" "A hole has just been drilled to the center of the Earth by Bram Stoker's spinning corpse!" "If originality were a penis, this movie would be you!" "...Astonishitty..." "A Frankensteinian creation cobbled from the severed parts of other bad movies! And this 'Frankenstein' is made entirely of asses!" "A bite from Van Helsing won't have you drinking blood. It'll have you 'drinking' the barrel of a gun!" "If your high hopes for this film were a Birthday kitten, Van Helsing would be your uncle shoving that kitten right up his ass!" "Van Helsing is like driving your van to Helsin-ki, Finland! Where the entire population are rapists! And all vans are filled with goat turds!" "...The Cream of the Crap..." "This 'Wolfman' just humped a hole in my leg, and then licked the blood stains from his groin!" "...like the entire production was worked over by Queer Eye for the Retarded Guy!" "...Badtacular..." "So gay, it makes The Rocky Horror Picture Show look like Basic Instinct!" "...Like watching the President take a crap on his own face!" "I felt like my eyes had just gotten a spanking from Stephen Sommers' balls!" "If you see only see one film this year, Van Helsing would still be the second-best film you've seen all year! Somehow! "...Remarkabullshit..." "You'll wish your 'mummy' had had an abortion!" "When he took this part, Hugh Jackman must have been smoking some huge crack, man! To the point that he had to become a male whore to pay his huge crack debts! And when he got arrested, he had to make this film as punishment!" "Helsing? It looks like Hell will be singing the praises of this one, since it is in the pit of darkness where lamentation, groans, and wailings reverberate through the starless air, uncouth tongues and horrible shriekings of despair, where shrill and faint voices, cries of pain and rage and with it all, smiting of hands, making a tumult nothing can assuage, because Van Helsing sucks!" "I prefer other films to this one!" |