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Grossly Inaccurate Review: The Hulk

Hulk


Universal

Starring:

Eric Bana

Jennifer Connelly

Sam Elliot

Michael Silicon Arts X-14 Graphics Rendering Workstation Jr.

by David Wong

Film scholars know there is only one way to grade or quantify an effects-heavy, comic book-inspired cinema event like Hulk. Attend the same screening as aint-it-cool.com's Harry Knowles and observe how much of the film is allowed to elapse before he first lights his enormous crackpipe. Would Hulk beat, say, the record of 14.5 seconds scored during Harry's viewing of The Matrix "I was sure there would be tons of vampires and no Kung-Fu in this movie" Reloaded?

If, like us, you were not allowed into that screening because they refused to admit John's eleven incontinent "seeing eye" dogs without some kind of proof or even vague suggestion of any blindness, you are left to follow Plan B.

That is still a huge undertaking, not to be treated as lightly as our review of Europe or last year's scathing one-star write-up of Islam. No, we grew up with the Hulk. We all were entranced by the Television show where the character was born, we all stared in awe at that faded Hulk T-shirt Nathan Munson wore at least once a week back in the fourth grade. What was that stain on the back? Jelly?

No, an undertaking this monstrous is too much for any one human, so we exposed Hulk to an elite SWAT Team of PWOT film experts. On our panel today is MovieBlogZone.com editor Jacob "X-Machine" Mingheim, next to him is London Film Institute Chairman and former entertainment columnist for The Harvard Thoughtful Considerer Dr. Albert Oxford, PhD, and our own contributing columnist John Cheese, six-time winner of the John Cheese Film Knowledge Award.

D. Wong: First of all, Dr. Oxford has requested that everyone, and by "everyone" we mean "John," refrain from cheap references to the Hulk's genitalia in this discussion. I've decided to delete any such talk, mainly because I've seen that flailing innuendo-y joke made in at least fifteen reviews so far. This site always shoots for a certain level of maturity, not jokes aimed at those who are thirteen or stoked to the gills on reefer cigarettes.

Dr. Oxford: Indeed. Let's try to rise above that level of adolescent giggle-fodder.

D. Wong: Quite indeed. We all saw enough swollen, green penis back in Kindergarten.

Dr. Oxford: ...

J. Cheese: ...

X-Machine: ...







D. Wong: So, let me say welcome to all of you.

Dr. Oxford: Oh. Thank you.

X-Machine: Yeah. Thanks, yo.

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

DW: Alright, I want to go out to the panel. First impressions?

X-Machine: It was okay, yo. Not a life-changing movie, but it fit the bill. You know. Worth the eight bucks. GCI was better than the commercials made out. Not the greatest film of all time, but... you know.

D. Wong: What's so funny, Dr. Oxford?

Dr. Oxford: Ah, excuse me. I sometimes have uncontrollable gales of laughter when listening to other people's opinions. 'Fit the bill?' Yes, I suppose if we're talking about the 'bill' of a baseball cap carved of cow dung. Ah, bloody priceless. Seriously, though, I think there will be a great deal of devisiveness over just how much loathing to heap on this film. Is it the worst film of the modern era? Or is it indeed the worst film ever made? I think critics will be torn over this one for quite some time, with equal arguments on both sides. Quite the polarizing issue!

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

X-Machine: Yeah, I agree with John, but I think that would have made it a completely different movie. But I disagree with Dr. Oxford. I mean, I respect his opinion and all, and it did start out slow, but you gotta admit that the last 30 minutes were the shit, yo!

Dr. Oxford: I believe that very thing. About the entire film.

X-Machine: What?

DW: How does this compare to other superhero films? How does it stack up to, say, Spiderman or Tim Burton's Batman films?

Dr. Oxford: I would compare this film to having your face slowly shoved into an elephant's anus over the course of two hours. The dialogue was much like listening to a screeching infant on board a flight from Newark, around the world, and back to Newark again, while wearing an electronic voice-operated dog collar around your genitals that shocked them every time it detected the sound of a screeching infant.

The editing appears to be the work of an attention-starved film student who has never edited, nor seen, a film before, and who molests children in his spare time, later burning them alive and collecting their skulls to build an altar to his imaginary child-molesting god, Captain Molestro. The ridiculousness of the story was far, far, far, far inferior to the random impromptu ramblings of my developmentally disabled four year-old nephew whilst he wonders around the maze we built for him the back garden that he must navigate in order to get to his evening medication.

Also, the acting was bad.

X-Machine: I'm not sure we even saw the same movie, yo. I think Hulk is the best comic book movie I've seen, probably the best film of the year. The psychological foundation that is laid out in the-

Dr. Oxford: -Don't get me wrong, I understand why some would delude themselves into thinking they enjoyed the film. The weak-minded, the mentally ill, the sexual deviants, all would find reason to convince themselves they enjoyed the latest, splattering projectile from the muzzle of Hollywood's Turd Cannon. This is not only the worst film ever made, but undoubtedly will be counted as the worst work of art in the history of mankind.

X-Machine: Yeah, well, I guess some critics just can't wrap their minds around the subtle layers of, you know, subtext and all that that makes Hulk such a rich experience, yo. This is likely to be considered the best film of all time in future generations. Maybe that's why the entire audience I saw it with said it changed their lives and that they would see it again and again.

Dr. Oxford: That's very interesting, because the audience I saw it with howled with laughter after every single line of dialogue, and rioted in the theater demanding their money back.

X-Machine: The audience I saw it with all went up the box office and offered to pay more money. You know, as a donation the studio to thank them for the best film of all time. Besides, other critics liked it, yo, and this weekend the audience will have its say. Your opinion is about to get my opinion's dick up its ass.

Dr. Oxford: There were critics who liked the Black Plague, too. Surely if there were a God, He would regret His very creation of the physical universe based entirely on this film. Any man who professes to like this pile of malignant groin rot has been so virulently corrupted in his ability to discern good from bad that he can no longer be scientifically classified as a member of the human species, and should be removed from the living biosphere of Mother Earth with the cold razor efficiency with which a surgeon slices a blackened tumor from a dying spleen.

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

Dr. Oxford: I don't see your point. A metaphor for what?

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

Dr. Oxford: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

X-Machine: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

Dr. Oxford: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

D. Wong: Guys, we're getting off on a tangent here. X, you mentioned the effects...

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

Dr. Oxford: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

Dr. Oxford: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

X-Machine: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

Dr. Oxford: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

Dr. Oxford: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

Dr. Oxford: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

X-Machine: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

Dr. Oxford: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

Dr. Oxford: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

Dr. Oxford: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

X-Machine: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: Furthermore, [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

J. Cheese: [*deleted due to reference to Hulk genitalia*]

Dr. Oxford: John makes a series of bloody powerful points. But don't think I'm going to let 45 minutes of silver-tongued elocution bring me to his position. I agree that Hulk may be in the top five films made this year, granted, but it definitely should not win Best Picture.

X-Machine: Yeah, man. I think we all could learn... uh, excuse me, I uh, have something in my eye.

D. Wong: Here's a tissue. We're all a little emotional right now. There's no question, however, that John has made his case that Hulk deserves our highest rating:

Two stars.

**



Posted by nordling@verizon.net
6.20.03 - 2:55 PM
Subject: the incredible bulk

Message: i bet the hulks pecker is huge lol

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by mohair
6.20.03 - 3:12 PM
Subject: insiders

Message: David has opened up an uncensored version of the article for registered users. Click into the Member's Section and click on the link to "John's Incredible, Hulking Schlong Song." Very cool.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by JINGA!!
6.20.03 - 3:43 PM
Subject: nice

Message: thats really something. proves that censorship can really kill great ideas. I agree that Jennifer Connelly represents the common laborer. The huge green "hulk" of capitalism (colored Money green) is giving her a huge f**king.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by thor412@aol.com
6.20.03 - 4:02 PM
Subject: wow

Message: I like the part where John proved atheism false. If the Hulk's dong is the created universe, where are the balls, doctor? Where are the balls? It shut Dr. Oxford right the Hell up. I loved it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by mohair
6.20.03 - 4:22 PM
Subject: creation

Message: The agnostic would say the balls are hidden safely in the blue shorts of time. The atheist would say we're the balls.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by nordling@verizon.net
6.20.03 - 4:38 PM
Subject: lol

Message: just think how big hulks balls would be lol

----------------------------------------------------------------------



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