5 Upcoming Comic Book Movies That Must Be Stopped

Luke Cage

The Movie:
Coming 2009, directed by John Singleton (Link).

Who is He?
Luke Cage, a young gang member living in 1970s Harlem was arrested and imprisoned for a crime he didn't commit. You may be disinclined to believe young Luke was innocent upon hearing, directly from his origin, that he was a gang member in 1970s Harlem. But to be fair, according to the movies the vast majority of gangland activity before 1991 was comprised of double-dutch competitions, choreographed roller skating and breakdancing to save the community center from an evil strip-mall developer.

Luke became so utterly repentant in prison that he volunteered as a test subject for a secret government project that gave him diamond-hard skin and superhuman strength. How the project obtained funding for their proposal, entitled "give diamond-hard skin and superhuman strength to angry young ethnic convicts" is yet another prime example of the dangerous incompetence of the Nixon administration. After the experiments earned him his freedom, Luke found himself possessing new and amazing powers beyond that of any normal man and set about fighting crime as the indomitable ... LUKE CAGE!

This is, obviously, the worst superhero name in comic books; a genre famous for the insipidity of its names. To his credit, Luke did attempt a different name at first, that of Power Man, it just didn't stick. We imagine the conversation went something like:

"The ghettos aren't safe, and that's why I must become ... POWER MAN!"

"Uh ... Luke ...?"

"POWER MAN!"

"Yeah ... Hey, God love you man, but I would let you sexually rule me like a king, before I call you that. I would service you daily and refer to you as 'His Erotic Majesty' before I call you god damned Power Man."

"Y ... you would?"

"No, Luke. That's a Hyperbole."

Previous Notable Appearances on Film:

In this Web video, a grown-up comics fan engages in a little Luke Cage cosplay. Can a team of Hollywood professionals make the costume look less ridiculous? It might not be possible.

Why Fanboys Are Excited:
In talks to play Cage is Tyrese Gibson, who at least looks like he could kick somebody's ass.

The attached director is John Singleton, most famous for his work on Boyz n the Hood, arguably the best gang movie to come out of their resurgence in the early '90s. Singleton has easily proven apt to deal with the inner turmoil of disillusioned black ex-convicts, and perhaps Luke Cage would have been more at home in those harsh and edgy gangland dramas after all.

Why Fanboys Will Be Disappointed:
Since Boyz n the Hood, Singleton has proven himself more than capable of churning out awful genre trash. So anyone with visions of an uncompromisingly gritty Luke Cage should probably check out Singleton and Tyrese's previous collaboration 2 Fast 2 Furious.

Also, the character hasn't exactly aged well. Luke Cage was always one dimensional at best, an exploitive stereotype at worst. Cage was Marvel's entry into the blaxploitation craze, and rather than waste valuable time on characterization and ingenuity, they threw Shaft up on some cinder-blocks, tweaked the horsepower, and added the most generic abilities available. Still not offended? Alright, while Superman embodied "Truth, Justice and the American Way," Cage was famous for often shouting the catchphrase "Sweet Christmas!"

Though we will readily admit he was a serious hard-ass (the man patrolled Harlem dressed like your grandma on vacation) we would like for you to notice his "metal headband," which upon close inspection is actually a little girl's costume Tiara worn upside down.

This, combined with the canary-yellow blouse and navy blue stretch pants, leads us to believe that while the streets may be safer thanks to Cage, somewhere in Brooklyn there is a sad, pre-teen girl who is trying to find her Halloween costume.

286 Comments

Lockett

"Mightor" is the best name ever.

Posted on 7/4/2008 9:54:23 PM

steeeeve1

I don't wanna meet fat people. Period.

Posted on 7/4/2008 7:34:32 PM

blacksally

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Posted on 7/2/2008 8:28:48 PM

Kakeru

poor green lantern...story of my life....

Posted on 7/2/2008 12:18:05 PM

noodlepie54

Y'all, Kevin McKidd will fuck you up. You know it, i know it, and He sure as shit knows it so watch your backs because he's a comin... also, im reading this then actually checking the links and like...one of them has actually panned out...i realise you cant update your lists but its frustrating/hilarious to read these and be going 'no, wrong, not happening' etc

Posted on 6/29/2008 3:09:03 PM

gretfan

instead of making 'Thor' they can make 'Mightor', who is almost similar to 'Thor' but better in 'Idea' perspective. No stupid costumes. the villains will be dinosaurs(jurassic park) and other cave people. This will prove to be the least expensive Super movie ever made.

Posted on 6/29/2008 9:59:23 AM

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Posted on 6/12/2008 9:51:24 AM

JBuncom

Too bad they can't make another Ghost Rider.

Posted on 6/9/2008 1:47:50 PM

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Posted on 5/29/2008 1:09:18 PM

intimate

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Posted on 5/25/2008 11:59:26 PM

Al-literati-on

So why isn't this a big issue on blackwhitemeet.com?

Posted on 5/24/2008 10:18:01 PM

robinjane

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Posted on 5/21/2008 9:38:38 AM

amightyrobot

I read Cracked all the time and love it, and I KNOW you guys are well-read, comics-wise, because you write about 'em far too much not to be comic geeks. So you probably already know this. But, just for people who aren't familiar: It's worth noting that Luke Cage has aged VERY well in that a few recent writers, particularly Bendis, have brought him out of obscurity and made him an interesting, complicated, and extremely badass character far from his Blaxploitation roots. That said, the movie'll probably suck (and I base that mainly on Singleton and Tyrese). Just sayin', he's become one of my favorite Marvel characters in the last coupla years.

Posted on 5/19/2008 11:28:24 PM

kingeclectic

"The Broken Hearts Club" is a fantastic movie, with great dialogue and witty comedy. It also stars Dean Cain, the former Superman himself! The author of the article should have pointed out, however, that "The Broken Hearts Club" is a *gay* romance movie. But don't let that deter you; it's still a great movie!

Posted on 5/19/2008 12:11:16 AM

TheR0N

wow, i had no idea that ant-man was a wife beater. i'm not sure why but that makes me happy.

Posted on 5/17/2008 10:04:53 AM

roundmoon093

Is it possible to find love on the Internet? You bet it is. Though internet dating sites, we know of many married couples who admit they met on the internet dating sites such as match.com, americansingles.com, richkiss.com, etc. And I found my perfect match from richkiss.com. He's a real gentleman and certified millionaire. I belive there's true love on the internet. We've been engaged. And I'd like to share my happiness with everybody.

Posted on 5/16/2008 8:50:06 PM

patrickbnj

Come on folks, lets face facts here.......Watchmen is going to just make an absolutely terrible movie. If they change the ending, regualar movie goers may like it but fanboys will hate it, and if they keep the ending intact, fanboys will love it, but everyone else will hate it! It's a lose-lose proposition!

Posted on 5/15/2008 8:34:43 PM

ultimakewl

the best green lantern of all time was Guy Gardner. he was so popular, in fact, he got his own spin off comic where he ditched the green lanterns and got his own magical ring that did the exact same thing somehow. he is most noted for his sense of humor and that is why he made all the stupid things with his ring, because its much funner to beat up a guy with a giant boxing glove on a spring and the likes than a giant ball or something. that movie could be quite good and i cant wait to see it.as well the thor movie good be very good.

Posted on 5/13/2008 6:42:44 AM

aljensen

How many roads must a man walk down, before he can speak Chinese? www.mandarintoplist.com

Posted on 5/12/2008 2:39:15 PM

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