Grossly Inaccurate Review: Chamber of Secrets
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Warner Bros.
Daniel Radcliffe
Kenneth Branagh
PARENTWATCH SCORE: 23
MS x 5
PSB x 12
I, SO x 76
EMM x 4
BWC x 3
TMFM x 3
(see guide below)
Regarding the latter, there is no argument as to whether there is indeed bigotry in this film. The real question would be, is it enough? Chamber of Secrets starts out promisingly, portraying the English Petunia and Vernon Dursley as petty, empty beings with cold and blackened souls, every bit the selfish, child-abusing, human-shaped devils we expect the English to be. However, the gains the story made with me were wiped out just as quickly when the couple are seen sharing a bed, insinuating that somehow there could be even two people who are both British and heterosexual.
Why Hollywood consistently stops short in its damnation of foreigners is a mystery. I could recklessly make the accusation that members of the crew or some of the writers were British, though such people would surely face execution back home for collaborating with the rebel colonies. There are even rumors that Potter author J.K. Rowling maintains some ties to Great Britain, but to make such a damning accusation would require a bolder journalist than I. The blood of my forefathers was not spilled back in the '70's just so we could turn around and pour money back in to the motherland. Of course, the idea that the British King would even accept green dollars branded with the faces of men such as George Washington and Ben Franklin, the very revolutionaries who became drunk on the blood of English oppressors, is laughable.
(As a bit of trivia, American money was colored green because the first bills were printed with the green blood of the English).
But I digress. We saw in the first film, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, that our young wizard had learned to do magic with his "wand," a wooden staff seven feet long with a razor-sharp pike at the end. With a simple hard thrust of this "wand" he can cast numerous "spells" such as Bloody Punctured Lung and Spurting Skull Hole.
Harry learns to solve all of his problems this way. Once more in Chamber of Secrets Harry is impeded from returning to Hogwarts school for Wizards by his evil Aunt and Uncle. He remedies this by casting Torso Skewer on the uncle and turning his Aunt into a Bitch Kabob.
Potter arrives back at school for Year Two of his training, only to run into arch-nemesis Professor Snape (Alan Rickman). Potter overcomes Rickman with his most powerful "spell," the Curse of the Stabbed Crotch. Once more I question the appropriateness of this scene for children, who may not want to spend 20 minutes watching Snape writhing on the floor in a pool of his own blood shrieking, "AAAARRRRGHHH!!! MY COCK! YOU STABBED ME RIGHT IN MY F**KING COCK!!! YOU SICK LITTLE BASTARD! I'M DYING HERE FROM A SINGLE STAB WOUND TO MY ONCE WHOLE, UNSTABBED COCK!!! COCK!!! COOOOOOCCCCKKKKK!!!"
New to the saga is Gilderoy Lockhart, the new Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts played by Kenneth Branagh, himself apparently the victim of a spell that removed his lips. Lockhart befriends Harry right away, but can Harry trust him? And will Harry be able to confront the dark forces that suddenly have Hogwarts under seige?
The answer is no, Harry can't trust Lockhart and yes, he will be be able to confront he dark forces. In the climax Harry confronts the evil wizard Voldamor, who appears in spirit form floating through the halls of Hogwarts. Harry defeats him with a spectacular Anus Impalement.
(Note: In real-life England, it would not take a wizard to cast such a spell.)
It's all good fun, but judging from the above, you would do well to keep the kids away. In these troubled times you would not want them to grow up as British sympathizers.
I give Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets my highest rating: Two stars.
**
* PARENTWATCH GUIDE
MS - Mild Swearing
PSB - Partial Nudity - Breasts.
PSA - Partial Nudity - Ass.
PSD - Partial Nudity - Dick.
FN - Full Nudity - may contain Breasts, Ass and Dick.
HS - Heavy Swearing - May include "sh*t," "f**k," or "s***-***** c*********."
I, SO - Impalings, Sharp Object
EMM - Explicit Monkey Masturbation
IMM - Implicit Monkey Masturbation
BWWC - Beastiality While Wearing Clownsuit
TMFM - Dialogue contains the phrase - "Trump my fuckhorn, Muchango."
TO ALL COMMENTERS: NO ONE GIVES A S**T IF YOUR BRITISH. THANK YOU.
ReplyTo the above commenter: turn your caps lock off and learn the difference between "your" and "you're". Sincerely, British guy who can actually speak English
I like how they misspelled Voldemort's name, but somehow it's still closer to the correct pronunciation than what the movies use
Reply"The dialogue contains the words 'Trump my fuckhorn, Muchango' "
ReplyCan't . . . stop . . . laughing.
I would WATCH this, if nothing mofe than to hear Snape utter those all-caps phrases above me.
Reply"Gilderoy Lockhart, the new Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts played by Kenneth Branagh, himself apparently the victim of a spell that removed his lips."
ReplyI laughed myself to tears.
I am British and this s**t is hilarious!
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesI am British and I am not amused.
I am not British and this article was not hilarious, but the comments were.
I am a fish.
I am a butthole.
For some reason most of the people who have commented here don't seem to realise what sarcasm is.
ReplyI came here expecting a nice funny article about how shit Harry Potter is, and instead I get a racist rant. Erm... Fuck you.
ReplyIt's not racism. The writer is clearly using sarcasm the entire time, and obviously holds no personal dislike for Britain. It's a joke. Why are people not getting this? o_O
I'm British, and personally i rip on other ethnicities or whatever all the time, so with me, getting it thrown back at me isn't a huge kick in the balls.
ReplyI realise this is meant to be a joke and everyone is entitled to their opinion and I don't want to be a spoil sport, but I think some of us do take offence at the jokes levied against the British for no real reason. And this is aimed at certain commenters, rather than the post itself.
ReplyYes, Mr. Wong, you're clearly an Anglophobe. There's no way that you're, like, joking in this humorous article on a humor site, or anything like that. By the way, did you know that the tea thrown overboard was actually made with the cerebrospinal fluid of Armenian refugees? Curse the Britons. Curse them straight to the waiting arms of their alien British demon grotesqueries in their unimaginably nightmarish British hell. Only such as they would spell "humor" with two U's, the second clearly a reference to the blood-spraying uterus which they cut from their own mothers as soon as they were born so they would never have to share their inheritance.
ReplyYou seem to have some sort of crazy warped view of British society....
Replyhaha, people here are either mean or spammers. i thought it was hilarious, and i'm a huge potterhead. i also have a crush on you, but unfortunately i am taken (by gladstone).
Replyi laughed so hard i woke my roomate up and he beat me
Reply