Login or Register

Sign in with Facebook

These are weirdest, most ill-conceived toys from around the globe. If you're about to say that they're "weird" only because of our own xenophobic ignorance of other cultures, well, we have two words for you: Poop toys.

You'll see.

Surprisingly, not all of these are from Japan.

#25.

This one is, though. We're used to Japan's superior electronics companies ensuring they get new televisions, video games and cell phones before the rest of us, but who knew they'd get the second coming of our Savior a full three years before the rest of the world. You have to love the fact that they've decided to use the box to point out ways your Jesus Robot can help you get chicks. As if you needed them to tell you.

#24.

These dolls from Russia quite clearly have both male genitalia and the long flowing hair typically associated with females. We're stumped and aroused. Is it possible they're doll versions of David Lee Roth?

Not that it really makes it any better.

#23.

Playmobil makes little figurines in the shape of hundreds of different professions, but only the Hazmat disposal crew provides children with the stark reminder that mankind's excesses will eventually doom us all.

#22.

"You see, girls, your father was in the air force. He was an F-15."

#21.

Why you'd ever feel the need to conceal a USB stick in a doll wearing a bondage mask is beyond us, although it's probably a small blessing that it's not withdrawn via the gimp's ass.

#20.

Teaching a 3 year old how to clean and prepare a fish used to be a difficult and messy task. No longer!

#19.

The thing flying out of the toilet appears to be a plastic piece of poop, molded in the traditionally popular swirl-cone shape. Projectile excrement is a popular prank in Japan, and the workplace injuries that result are a major drain on the economy.

#18.

Shimajiro is the toilet training tiger that swept all over the Web in a video a little while back. When either of the two buttons are pressed, he exclaims a short burst of pro-toilet-training rhetoric. "Crap! Crap like a champion!" and "RRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHH!" seem the likeliest options.

#17.

What on earth is going on with the right side of this toy? Is that a horse coming out from behind the shield? Is this toy some kind of centaur, or is that shield concealing an unnatural sexual act? There are a lot of questions here, and none of the potential answers is very savory.

#16.

On the left is a mysterious toy. On the right, a graphical representation of a virus. And, on the bottom is a picture of what can only be a child catching herpes.

#15.

We're told this is some sort of child's sled, and that thing sticking out of it is a handle, upon which the child can hang on while enjoying an exciting winter adventure.

Why? What did you think it was?

#14.

The closest we can figure is that they're selling a life-sized plush camel, but to make more money they're selling it one body part at a time. This is the head.

#13.

What better way to market your putter with a golden penis on the tip than with three cute cartoon animals? Just imagine Jack Nicholson coming at you, swinging one of these. Hell, now that we've written it, we're having a hard time thinking about anything else.

#12.

The Japanese have a weird relationship with poop. On the one hand they love it. On the other hand ... there is no other hand. That's why it's weird.

#11.

This man does not know why he must wear the poop hat. He can only grimly accept his fate.

#10.

"Hey, what's the deal with that blonde girl talking on the phone over there? I've never noticed her before."

"Her?" (looks) "Oh. We don't have to worry about her."

"Why not?"

"Just because."

#9.

Stories about dolls that have to go undercover as cats to bust up feline organized-crime syndicates is one of those quirky Japanese things that Western culture hasn't appropriated yet. Yet.

#8.

And, just as we sometimes adopt and misunderstand certain features of Japanese culture, so, too, do the Japanese sometimes misunderstand ours.

#7.

Making toilet training fun and approachable is an admirable goal, but this seems like a good way for your child to develop an unnatural affection toward their own waste products. At a bare minimum, the sympathetic "Why me?" faces on the waste products will make flushing the toilet a psychologically jarring event.

#6.

When designing finger puppets, it's critical to only portray them from the waist up, because as soon as you put legs on them it looks like you're giving your diminutive new friend one hell of a ride. The dazed expression on this particular example only adds to the effect.

#5.

The Japanese version of the Scooby Doo team is made up of Sadslab, Baby Sauron, Raging Emo, Yellowturd and Soulglutton.

#4.

We don't care what he says it's for, when a clown comes at you with a syringe, head the other way, quickly.

#3.

This is a practice stripper poll, that was yanked from toy store shelves in the U.K. last year when some fussy killjoys questioned whether it was a good idea to market stripper poles toward children.

#2.

Yes, that's a gun that fires teddy bears. Although crime is rare in Japan, when it happens, it is absolutely hilarious.

#1.

Aside from the ubiquitous LEGO, there's dozens of different building block systems marketed throughout the world. However, none of them are as sexually frustrating as Cock Bloc Super.

You may also enjoy Chris Bucholz's The Best (Worst) Fantasy & Sci-Fi Book Covers.

To turn on reply notifications, click here

522 Comments

Load Comments