Some TV shows are cut down before their time, and never really get a fair shot (We are artistically obligated to mention Arrested Development at this point). Other shows live long past their time (According to Jim will be entering into it's seventh motherfucking season).
But then, every once and awhile, those crazy TV executives get it just right and cut an awful show off after it's first breath. Here are six shows that barely got to the credits on their first episode before somebody threw the switch.
6Emily's Reasons Why Not
Heather Graham's breasts play Emily Sanders, a successful young publisher who has a knack for giving great advice ... except when it comes to her own relationships. Emily, armed only with a gay best friend, who works in a tea shop, and a sassy female friend, who tells it like it is, is now on a quest to find the perfect guy, even if it cancels her.
Graham's breasts ultimately decide that, if they can find five reasons to break up with a guy, they will. That is what the entire show is based around.
Why It Was Canceled:
ABC reportedly committed to the show and poured millions in advertising and promotion into the show before seeing a script. They were, one might speculate, impressed by the heartfelt and passionate persuasion of Graham's talented sweater melons.
Generous critics compared the show to a "severely watered-down episode of Sex and the City," while many others found it to be "highly offensive" and "fucking stupid." One of the most common critiques was that Heather Graham was wholly unlikeable and unwatchable, though her breasts are still widely considered to be Emmy-worthy and, going further, a heaving symbol of artistic integrity. The clip below pretty clearly demonstrates Graham's "acting" as well as highlighting where the show goes wrong.
Did you watch that clip? Watch it again but, this time, pay close attention to the moments when you can't see Heather Graham's breasts at all and note how your decreased interest in the show coincides perfectly. Amazing, right? In short, this show needed less stupid plot and Heather Graham's shrieking Chihuahua head and more shots of her amazingly gifted chest monsters. Got that, ABC? If you greenlight our "22 Minutes of Heather Graham's Breasts" pilot, you will have a guaranteed hit on your hands.
5Who's Your Daddy?
A new reality show where an adopted woman tries to pick her father out of a lineup of 25 men. If the person guessed correctly, they got $100,000 (and a father). If they guessed incorrectly, their wrong selection would get $100,000, but they'd still gain a father. First off, raise your hand if you couldn't tell just by the description that this show originally aired on the FOX network. Now, chop your hand off because you're a fucking moron.
Why It Was Canceled:
Well, the adopted girl in question, TJ Myers, happened to be an actress in--you guessed it--borderline soft-core pornography! Also, the FOX producers reportedly lied to Myers about the title of the show, as well as the possibility of money being at stake. Also, it's a show that turns being reunited with your biological parents into a fucking game show.
So, yeah. Go ahead and pick a reason.
FOX wisely destroyed all evidence that the show ever existed so we can't provide a clip. However, The Maury Show is the same idea, presumably a little watered down since it's managed to stay on the air for this long. So to give you a vague idea of what Who's Your Daddy was like, here's a clip from Maury in which a guy finds out he's not a child's biological father, and begins dancing while a woman who hoped he was the father of her child weeps quietly off to the side.
Notice the classy way Maury comforts the weeping single mother while his producers play celebratory hip-hop music to facilitate the would-be father's I-don't-have-to-pay-child-support dance. Yeah, Who's Your Daddy was apparently less classy than that.
Honestly FOX, if you're going to exploit and capitalize on something as serious as adoption, why not go all out? Make it a Joe Millionaire-style reality show where a successful bachelor goes on dates with a bunch of aspiring actresses, with the big reveal at the end being ... don't worry ladies, you didn't bang a poor guy. You did, however, have sex with your own biological father! Oh, snap!
Actually, we're literally positive this show is in some stage of production at FOX right now.