The 7 Most Easily Escapable Movie Monsters

When victim and movie monster square off, it's not exactly a chess match. Here's seven monsters that anyone with working legs and the IQ of a well-trained Dalmatian could escape.

Samara Morgan from The Ring

How will she kill you?
In the least-straightforward manner possible. There's a whole runaround involving copying tapes and getting phone calls, but in the end she crawls out of your TV. What then? We don't really know, actually, but you end up a corpse with your color scheme inverted.

How can you win?
Well, for the observant victim, Samara's main weakness is that you know when she's going to come get you. That is, in seven days, right down to the fucking minute. One would think the obvious thing to do would be to step outside and leave the TV behind. Go camping maybe.

Since nobody seems to have tried this, we don't know if she'll wait, biting her non-nails in your cathode ray tube until the new season of Battlestar Galactica starts and you have to come back.

Also, maybe try to mess with her. Can she come out of a laptop? A video iPod? Go to a TV store and you'll probably get a Scooby Doo-esque chase scene with the two of you running in and out of screens. If all else fails, run out the clock in a sports stadium with Jumbo Vision and take a lot of innocent people with you.

The Predator from Predator

How will it kill you?
Most likely, seeing as you're fleshy and human, by poking you with a sharp stick. Failing that, it can shoot blue spheres of pure energy that look like they could be recreated in MS Paint, but will nonetheless fuck your shit up.

How can you win?
The Predator's weakness is honor. Even Schwarzenegger realized this, since he noticed it butchered everyone in the film except for the helpless woman they had taken hostage. Using this knowledge to your advantage, smear yourself with feces and crawl weeping toward it. Wrap yourself around its shin and rock back and forth, making as much mess and noise as possible. The Predator will ignore you out of sheer contempt.

Also, it seems to have a bomb built inside it somewhere, activated by pushing buttons on its wrist.

If you can wait until it's asleep and turn that thing on, all you have to do is run.

Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

How will he kill you?
Meat-tenderizing hammer! And, yes, sometimes a chainsaw.

How can you win?
Leatherface is stupid. Really, inbred-to-the-point-of-extinction stupid. Your recourse is to be smart. Not even that smart, just stop running and screaming for two fucking minutes. If you get out of his line of sight and keep your trap shut, he'll forget you exist and wander home to play with LEGOs.

Also, don't talk to anyone within 150 miles of a Leatherface encounter. Every single one of them is related to him and wants to eat your succulent young flesh. Just keep driving until you’re not in Texas any more.

The demon Pazuzu from The Exorcist

How will he kill you?
He may be the laziest of the monsters on the list. He'll probably do his evil deeds through the body of some other victim (such as a little girl) and might simply try to talk you into killing yourself. Pazuzu is evil, just not very proactive.

How can you win?
Don't listen to him. You've likely been given the advice that he'll mix lies and truth to fuck with you, the trick is to pay no attention to either. There's always the chance that your mother does suck cocks in hell, but there's not really a lot you can do about it, is there? Have a cup of tea and nod thoughtfully at each of his points, and then counter with a quote from a popular cartoon or anime series.

The demon will probably be frustrated enough to leave at this point, and if not, hey, just go somewhere else and get drunk.

We should add a disclaimer that the possessed girl will most likely die, but this article is about how you can survive.

Michael Myers from Halloween

How will he kill you?
With a big ol' knife, mostly, though once he drove his thumb directly into some guy's brain.

How can you win?
If you're being stalked by this Shatner-masked Rhodes Scholar, chances are you're young and attractive. This being the case, you're likely able to move faster than the standard Myers saunter-–the pace of a retarded glacier.

With this knowledge, maintain a brisk walking pace in an open area such as a field. With no objects to suddenly appear from behind, Myers will soon be just a tall man alone in a field, stabbing at some cows.

If he does make it into your house or similar enclosed area, call the police, but try not to make any reference to an indestructible ghost-giant killing machine. This will inevitably lead to a single skeptical officer arriving at your door, finding no evidence whatsoever, and then being killed in your presence later on, having learned a valuable lesson about trust.

NOTE: This section can also be applied to Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th.

 

The Thing from, you guessed it, The Thing

How will he kill you?
By mimicking a person and either fostering a culture of paranoia amongst an isolated group to the point that they turn on each other, or by suddenly growing a new mouth somewhere in its crotch region and biting your face off.

How can you win?
If you suspect one of your co-workers or loved ones is The Thing, arm yourself and follow them around for as long as it takes. Given enough time, it will either attack you, attack someone else, or turn around and yell, "YES! OK! I'M THE THING! CONGRATULATIONS! NOW, WILL YOU PLEASE LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE SO I CAN TAKE A SHIT?" At this point, set it on fire and run away.

This tactic can equally be applied to the Body Snatchers, creditors and minor inconveniences. Also, if you suspect one of your enemies is The Thing, smile! He or she died a painful death before getting taken over.

The Blair Witch from The Blair Witch Project

How she kill you?
Evidently, by making you stand in the corner, then pushing you over. This is particularly effective if you happen to be a 5-year-old with brittle bone disease.

How can you win?
You get a lot of warning. Find little stick figures in odd places? Someone making a lot of noise at night, moving your stuff around, generally being a pain in the ass? If this is happening in your home, you probably just have children, and a straightforward beating will suffice. If it occurs in the woods, it’s the Blair Witch saying "please leave the woods or you’ll force me to be mildly irritating for a while longer."

The Blair Witch is, however, old, dead and picks on children. If you are reading this distinctly adult-oriented site, you should be old enough to just punch her in the face and stroll away, possibly walking on her lawn in the process.

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